SLAM! Sports
SLAM! Wrestling
Thursday, May 28, 1998
Big Daddy's parade of freaks
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Special to SLAM! Sports A weekly SLAM! Wrestling Editorial Column Previous columns |
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For a while now I've been trumpeting the impending greatness of slick talking, long haired, jewel wearing, monster slappin', Canadian boy know simply as Jackyl. I know a lot of you are thinking "He's just a crappy manager! What's he ever gonna do??" Well the truth is, that The Jackal is also a very capable wrestler and could be the next Dallas Page or Raven. By that I obviously mean manager turned successful wrestler. I did think that it would be quite a while though before we saw anything significant from him. I was wrong.
This week the WWF showed once again why they are the innovators and why they are on top of the wrestling game. They aren't afraid to push any envelopes ... In fact they're making a practice of it. The Jackyl's Parade of Human Oddities is pure genius. How long have we been subjected to the pretty boys? Guys who had the rippling muscles and not much else? Luger, Hogan, Warrior, Goldburg ... the list goes on and on. Now, the Jackyl's bizarre stable opens the door to a completely untapped talent pool ... the strange, misshapen, barely audible rejects of the wrestling world. Just look at what they've already got ...
- The masked man ... Golga (formerly Earthquake, Avalanche, Shark, and John Tenta) He's big, fairly athletic and he knows how to make people hate him!
- Paulo Silva ... the world's biggest man has still not been given an in ring name, but he is the WWF's answer to The Giant and he could be the second coming of Andre!
- Kurrgan. OK, he's 7 feet tall and has the brute strength of Max Mini, but at least he looks nuts! I don't care if he can wrestle or not ... anyone who looks that twisted is gonna make a lot of money!
- Princess Luna ... I don't care what her role is ... any gang with that lovely lady is worth watchin'!!
Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf and Crackhead Bob giving stand out performances.This is going to obviously elevate the individual careers of all parties listed and will help create the legend of The Jackal. While it's true that this story line is nothing more than "Raven's Flock" being done properly ... I think the WWF has shown that they will add any freak necessary to make this group well loved, hated or pitied. So, in that spirit I've prepared a partial list of candidates to join Jackal's little freak show ...
- The Missing Link - Keeping with the Canadian angle (Jackal, Kurrgan, Golga), I say "Bring Back Dewey Robertson!" Last I heard he was working with the Halton Regional Police. Please Dewey ... If you're reading this ... paint your face blue and let's hear that scream one more time!
- Bastion Booger, George Steele and Miguel Perez. Who says you have to wax your bod in order to be a money maker in this business? These 3 are big capable workers that have just been blessed with a little extra insulation. Should we outcast them based on their remarkable and enviable amount of body hair? I think not.
- All of the AOD (Army Of Doink)
- Damien Demento - You think Mick Foley is nuts? Not compared to this guy! He's the only wrestler I can remember who lost matches because he was so busy talking to himself that he forgot about his opponent. Sign up this tortured soul!
- Brother Love - In the footsteps of the Kane - Paul Bearer saga, we now have The Brother claiming paternity of The Dude! Maybe if all these "freaks" had a compassionate man like this around in their early days they would've turned out differently!
- Courtney Love: Call girl on crack or mall girl on smack??
- The Ghost of Tiny Tim. Man, he's still ticked at Jerry Lawler for bustin' up his little ukulele.
- Paul Reubens AKA Pee Wee Herman. Not since the like of Clarence Mason have we seen such a well dressed man. Speaking of Mason, did you know that when Reubens went to court he didn't have a lawyer? He tried got himself off ....
- Kato "The Sponge" Kaelin ... Well, what else is Mr. Selective Memory doing? Instead of lounging on his couch eating corn chips and watching reruns of Hollywood Squares, he could be the next Ed Leslie - latched onto other people's talents.
- The dude from Prodigy ... he scares me.
- 4 Words: Goodbye Goldust .... Hello RuPaul!
- Enigma from The Jim Rose circus. If you haven't seen the man who had a cameo on The X Files, just imagine a whole body tattoo of a jigsaw puzzle on a guy who eats raw fish, juggles chainsaws and swallows 4 foot blades!
- Tre Cool ... the drummer from Green Day. Anybody who needs to be taped down to their chair when they go to work should be involved. I'm positive Dave Letterman would personally endorse this selection.
- Former NBA play by play man ...Marv Albert. I can see it now -- He shows up on RAW at Jackal's side wearing a lovely pink negligee and screaming at Owen Hart ... "You stole my gimmick ... Bitch!"
Agree? Disagree? Think I'm completely out to lunch? E-Mail me your response and let me know. bigdaddy@better.net. I'll sample some responses in next week's column.
MAILBAG
I know last week I said that I wasn't going to discuss the Bret Hart situation anymore, BUT, since I did receive an unbelievable amount of email on the subject, I've decided to include some of them for your reading enjoyment!
I would like to comment on your editorial about Bret. I did have my opinion but I must say you changed my mind. I guess the one statement that got to me was when you wrote..."how long must you bleed for a man, who doesn't even know, or care, that you exist?" It all made alot of sense to me.
JCor171669@aol.com
Well that IS the bottom line. I say the same thing to people who are still crying over the deaths of Brian Pillman, Jim Morrison or Chris Farley. Sure, you liked and supported them ... but if you were in a jam, would they really care? If you passed away unexpectedly, or lost your job, or got divorced ...do you think "The Hitman" would grieve?
Great article! It's nice to know there are some fans here in Canada that are not blinded by Bret's "I am Canada" bit... last I checked.. Canada's colors were red and white.. not pink and black..
acoyote@telusplanet.net
Exactly. I'm as patriotic as the next beer guzzlin' back bacon eatin' hockey lover ... but it has gotten out of hand. He's a Canadian, therefore we MUST cheer him? Please. The other part of that which really bugs me was when Bret and his supporters said, "It was wrong for Vince to want Bret to lose the belt in his country!!" Well that means Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, The Undertaker, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair and essentially EVERY major star in the history of the sport CAN'T lose their respective titles in the USA. I really like this next letter!!
shut the *** up nobody cares for your opinion anyway....breat is a great wrestler great champion....better then the wcw wanna be guys your named.....get a realy job
M.C camara@netrover.com
I didn't edit this letter! I find it interesting that Bret's biggest fans can't even spell his name or string together a grammatical sentence.
SEE YA FRUITCAKE ''HITMAN RULES''
bedwards@brunswickmicro.nb.ca
Again ... another Einstein. This was the COMPLETE email this person sent. How insightful! The intelligence level of my detractors is really something to marvel at.
To say that Bret made Vince is completely idiotic. I can't believe that there are all these Bret fans still when you see how pathetic he really is. He has been in Huckster land for 6 months now, and wrestled less matches (that I know of) than I can count on my two hands.
bkrause@ea.com
They tried using his name to get him over ... people didn't care. They tried making him the "sheriff" to stop all nWo wrong doings ... people didn't care. Now he's a heel ... guess what? People don't care.
Big Daddy, YOU DA MAN!!! Way to set the record straight on the Bret Hart issue. Wait...there is no issue. As far as I'm concerned, Bret leaving the WWF may as well have happened 30 years ago. Crying about Bret's leaving the WWF is as dumb as crying for Bob Backlund when his manager threw in the towel to cost him the title some 20 or so years ago. IT'S OVER. Forget about it.
genesis_67@hotmail.com Well, theoretically that is true. Both instances were bizarre ending to the title reigns of popular champions ... except the Backlund thing was a work and Bret did actually get screwed ... I agree with the last comment. It's Over. Forget about it.
In case you're wondering .... over 75% of all the email I received agreed with my article outright. 20% think I'm absolutely insane and "Breatt Rulz" ... while 5% are asking Slam! to fire me ASAP!
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