Cagey Jarrett wins Slamboree gold
By JOHN POWELL -- SLAM!
Wrestling
David Arquette stands beside Jeff Jarrett as he reaches up to capture the WCW World Heavyweight Title from the top of the Ready To Rumble Cage.
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I'll be the first one to back the naysayers. Putting the WCW World
Heavyweight Title around the waist of actor David Arquette was about as
disgraceful and lame as you can get. It's about as shameful as Vince and
Stephanie McMahon winning WWF World Titles. Yet, there was no outcry then
or now. Go figure. The WCW brain trust of Russo and Bischoff stupidly dug a
hole for themselves and really ticked off hordes of wrestling fans by doing
what they did. How they burrowed out of the horrible mess they created at
the Slamboree pay-per-view from the Kemper Arena in Kansas City was pretty
smart. Let's just hope and pray that the public backlash has taught them a
lesson or two.
The obvious problem with scheduling Arquette in the three-way, four-tiered
cage match against Diamond Dallas Page and Jeff Jarrett
was...duh...Arquette couldn't wrestle if his life depended on it. So, Russo
and Bischoff relegated him to onlooker status as Page and Jarrett fought
around him. He took a few bumps. He figured into the finale. But, for the
most part he stayed out the hell out of the wrestlers' way.
The cage itself was a mighty impressive sight. The first level surrounded
the ring. The second had a fence-like floor and all sorts of plunder
attached to the sides. Hence the Hardcore Cage label. The third cage (the
Guitar Cage) was a small, cube-like room on top of the Hardcore Cage.
Guitars hung on the walls of that cage and since it was slightly raised,
the combatants had plenty of room to brawl while standing on the roof of
the Hardcore Cage. The WCW World Heavyweight Title was suspended above the
Guitar Cage's ceiling. It sure beat WCW's Tower Of Doom Cage by a long
shot. You've got to give it up to the planning and construction crew for their
creative work on that monstrosity.
Jeff Jarrett and Diamond Dallas Page scale the Hardcore Cage.
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Before the match, a visibly terrified Arquette struck a deal with DDP. Page
would watch his back if Arquette kept his distance and help stop any
members of the New Blood from interfering. Dressed in goofy wrestling gear
which looked like something Elvis would've worn on a Las Vegas stage,
Arquette ran from Jarrett, was body splashed into the cage, took a punch
and was thrown into the cage by Jarrett. Until the finish, that was his
level of participation. Thank the Lord for small favours.
A bloodied Jarrett and Page fought over the ladder that had to be used to
climb up to the Hardcore Cage. DDP tried to scale it. Jarrett back-suplexed
him off of it. The Chosen One attempted to climb the ladder. DDP Power
Bombed him off of it, set the ladder up in the corner and whipped him into
it twice. The Chosen One speared DDP in the stomach with the ladder to
initiate his ascent. Page tipped it over. Jarrett was crotched on the top
rope. DDP easily advanced to the Hardcore Cage with Jarrett in hot
pursuit.
DDP used bolt cutters to cut the chain locking the Hardcore Cage's exit
door. Trash cans, steel chairs and a plastic serving tray smacked against
flesh and bone as Jarrett and DDP raided the plunder provided. In a
jaw-dropping moment, DDP Irish Whipped Jarrett into the Hardcore Cage and
the entire side gave way! As the Hardcore Cage was smaller than the cage
below, the was plenty of room for Jarrett to maneuver in sparing him a fall
over the edge. DDP set-up a table and slammed Jarrett through it. Both
wrestlers traded blows outside the Hardcore Cage while David Arquette
scooted by them and up to the top of the Guitar Cage. Arquette could've
claimed the WCW World Title right then and there. Instead, he waited there
holding up his end of the bargain with DDP.
Kanyon lays motionless after his bump.
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Out of nowhere (one assumes he scaled the cage), Mike Awesome attacked DDP
from behind! DDP countered with a Diamond Cutter. Page and Jarrett
splitered some guitars on each other. Page slammed the Guitar Cage door on
Jarrett's skull then he handed a guitar up to Arquette. DDP and The Chosen
One climbed on opposite sides of the Guitar Cage. Arquette guitar-shot DDP
in the head completing his heel turn. Jarrett whacked DDP too. The Chosen
One pulled down the WCW World Heavyweight Title to become the new
champion.
Awesome prepared to Awesome Bomb Page off the top of the cage. Kanyon made
the save. In a hefty bump worthy of Mick Foley, Awesome grabbed Kanyon and
threw him off the structure to the padded rampway far below the cage.
The next WCW pay-per-view is The Great American Bash on June
11th.
WCW Slamboree 2000 Results
A bus arrives dropping off the Millionaire's Club. Russo, Bischoff and
The New Blood watch them from the dressing room and heckle.
Chris Candido (champion) Vs The Artist (challenger) (WCW
Cruiserweight Title Match)
Should've been a great match, however, Candido and The Artist blew way
too many spots. Candido's hard bumps to the floor was its only saving
grace. Tammy bings a metal chair off of The Artist's head. The referee
slaps his count. Candido thinks he's won. Tammy rushes into the ring to
congratulate her man. Candido's music plays. The ref breaks up the party
informing Candido that The Artist kicked out. Candido piledrives The Artist
and lands a flying head butt to finally put him away. Paisley low-blows
Candido. She and The Artist rip Tammy's dress off. She's got a skimpier
costume underneath. Coming soon a Candido, Tammy, Paisley, Artist, mixed
tag match?
Winner: ...and still WCW Cruiserweight Champion...Chris Candido at 8
minutes and 8 seconds.
Match Rating: 3 / 10.
Norman Smiley, Mystery partner (challengers) Vs Terry Funk (champion)
(WCW Hardcore Title Match)
Not nearly as good as their earlier pay-per-view match up. Funk asks a
crowd in the back where Norman is. Everyone points to the bathroom. Funk
kicks open a stall. It's the mystery partner dressed in a Kansas City
Royals catcher's uniform. Smiley blasts Funk with a fire extinguisher. Funk
and Smiley tear up the Kemper Arena so that it resembles how CANOE's new
offices looked like a week ago. The portly Mystery Partner gets a few shots
in but they have no effect on The Funker. Funk drags him to the ring and
unmasks him. Of course, it's Ralphus. Funk pushes Ralphus over the top
rope. Small children run screaming from the arena as Ralphus moons the
crowd. A ladder from Smiley clocks Funk. Smiley gives Funk the Big Wiggle.
Ralphus does the same. Funk chair shots him and Smiley to get the three
count. Smiley and a shirtless Ralphus dance. The resulting naseua is a tad
below Mae Young's strip tease on the Vomit Meter.
Winner: ...and still WCW Hardcore Champion...Terry Funk at 10
minutes and 8 seconds.
Match Rating: 4 / 10.
Shawn Stasiak Vs Curt Hennig
Stasiak comes out to Hennig's old Mr. Perfect theme song that's ever so
slightly altered. Someone call New Jack as Chavo Guerrero, Van Hammer and
Lash Laroux are sitting at ringside in multi-colored combat fatigues. The
announcers refer to them as the Misfits. Stasiak employs Hennig's own
finisher to recieve the three count following a well-wrestled bout.
Winner: Shawn Stasiak at 7 minutes and 59 seconds.
Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Russo claps Big Poppa Pump on the shoulder wishing him luck. A snarky
Steiner tells Russo to keep his hands to himself. Poppa Pumps walks off in
a huff.
Hugh E. Rection (challenger) Vs Scott Steiner (champion) (WCW U.S.
Heavyweight Title Match)
Hugh Morrus, decked out in combat gear a la The Misfits, lets the
audience in on his name change. He says Bischoff came up with the Hugh
Morrus moniker to make a fool out of him. He's reverting back to his real
name...get this...Hugh E. Rection. You have to wince every time the
announcers say it because it is so darn dumb. Big Poppa Pump is now Big
Poppa Pimp as he is accompanied to ringside by two valets dressed in
leather. It's the Scott Steiner of old, folks. More suplexes on display
rather than relaxed power moves. Steiner stalls a lot during the match by
posing and picking verbals fights with the audience. Rection (wince!) goes
for his Raging Climax (formerly known as No Laughing Matter). One of Steiner's
valets crotches him on the top rope. A Steiner Recliner and Rection is done
like dinner. Steiner won't break the hold. The Misfits leap over the
barricade. They are met by Russo and Bischoff's personal security squad.
Booker waltzes past them labeling Steiner with an axe kick.
Winner: ...and still WCW United States Champion...Scott Steiner at a little over 9 minutes.
Match Rating: 4 / 10.
Mike Awesome Vs Kanyon
Great stuff here showcasing Awesome's acrobatics and Kanyon's
innovative wrestling stylings. Awesome is about to Awesome Bomb Kanyon over
the top rope to the exposed concrete floor. Wolf Pac music plays. Hey,
didn't they disband a lifetime ago? Kevin Nash rescues Kanyon from being
splattered on the arena floor. Members of the New Blood rush the ring to
pound on Nash. The Millionaire's Club and security join the squabble.
Winner: None. Match called at 11 minutes and 37 seconds.
Match Rating: 8 / 10.
Buff Bagwell Vs The Total Package
Backstage, Liz has had enough of Russo. She pushes him over and takes
a bat to his leg. Liz does her batter-up thing on Bagwell. Package Torture
Racks Bagwell. Enter the clone. Power Plant grad Chuck Palumbo interferes.
He is wearing trunks and boots which have Package's doltish symbol on them.
Palumbo racks the Package.
Winner: The Total Package at 8 minutes and 55 seconds.
Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Shane Douglas Vs Ric Flair
A hard-hitting contest. Flair tells Douglas he's going to "kick his ECW
ass". At 5:34, Douglas pulls a chain out his boot. He wraps it around his
fist and punches Flair. A fake Sting takes a bat to Flair. Douglas gets the
three count. The fake Sting and Douglas split. Flair thinks it is Russo
dressed as Sting. He tells the fake Sting over the house mic that since
Russo interfered, he is supposed to have five minutes in the ring with him.
The fake Sting obliges. He brains Flair in the head with a small Statue Of
Liberty. Vince Russo heads down the entrance way. The fake Sting removes
his mask. It is David Flair! Groan. David Flair and Russo gang-up on The
Nature Boy. The Total Package's save is halted by a swing of the baseball
bat. It's that Wolf Pack music again. Nash sprints to the ring. Daffney
appears. She low blows Nash. Russo uses Nash as batting practice.
Winner: Shane Douglas at 5 minutes and 34 seconds
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Match Rating: 7.5 / 10.
Sting Vs Vampiro
Vampiro hides a lead pipe under the ring. Sting doesn't repel from the
ceiling. He walks out as normal. It was the right thing to do considering
what happened to Owen Hart last year at the Kemper Arena. Sting is hyped
and so is Vampiro. Lively effort by the former Brothers In Paint. Vampiro
suspends Sting's onslaught via lead pipe shots. At 5:54, Sting takes
possession of the pipe. He Stinger Splashes Vampiro with the pipe. Two
Stinger Death Drops and Vampiro is a goner. Heading back to the dressing
room, Sting sees Vampiro getting to his feet in the ring. Sting returns to
the ring for one more lead pipe shot on Vampiro.
Winner: Sting at 6 minutes and 47 seconds.
Match Rating: 7 / 10.
Hulk Hogan Vs Billy Kidman
F.U.N.B.? What could it all mean to the little Hulksters? Horace is by
Hogan's side. Bischoff sends him packing. Hogan blades again. Bischoff
won't count Hogan's pinfalls. Hogan Power Bombs Easy E through a table.
Hogan has trouble earlier sliding the tables into the ring. He broke the
legs on one. Kidman lays Hogan on a table. Hogan moves out of the way.
Kidman crashes through the table from the top rope. Horace slaps Bischoff's
hand on the canvass three times.
Winner: Hulk Hogan at 13 minutes and 34 seconds.
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Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Russo chases Liz to the Millionaire's Bus. The sight of Luger onboard
scares him off. Nash is also chasing down Russo. Russo car-jacks a vehicle
speeding off into the night.
Jeff Jarrett (challenger) Vs Diamond Dallas Page (challenger) Vs
David Arquette (champion) (WCW World Heavyweight Title - Ready To Rumble
Cage Match)
Winner: ...and new WCW World Heavyweight Champion...Jeff Jarrett at
10 minutes and 50 seconds
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Match Rating: 8 / 10.
Total Event Time: 2 hours and 45 minutes.
Overall Event Rating: 8 / 10.
