SLAM! Wrestling Editorial: Mat Wars: The Phenom Menace
By JOHN POWELL -- SLAM! Wrestling
Use the Funk, Luke! SLAM! Wrestling replaces actors with wrestlers in the Star Wars series.
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Jacked to the max after taking in the new Stars Wars flick (It kicks
serious booty!), my imagination took flight. How could I combine my two
true loves: movies (as Jam! Showbiz's film critic on CANOE) and pro wrestling? Like
an Ion Cannon blast from the Millennium Falcon it hit me. What if SLAM!
Wrestling secretly infiltrated LucasFilms' casting department? What if we
handed out pink slips to those mostly fine actors, hired pro wrestlers in
their places? A scary thought ain't it? Below are my choices if Star Wars
became Mat Wars.
The Undertaker as Darth Vader
He's big. He's mean. He dresses in black. Mark Calloway has talked about
the mythical "dark side" more than the Dark Lord Of Sith himself. Hit the
bricks, David Prowse.
Vincent K. McMahon Jr. as The Emperor / Senator Palpatine
There is only one logical choice. Vinnie Mac makes the ever-scheming
Emperor look like a schoolyard bully stealing his classmates' lunch money.
Viscera as Jabba The Hutt
Size certainly matters. My preferred pick would've been Yokozuna but who
knows what kind of shape he's in these days.
Max Mini as R2D2
For obvious reasons.
Sabu as Darth Maul
The most homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, agile grappler ever to compete in
the squared circle is up to the task of playing the acrobatic dark jedi
apprentice.
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin as Captain Han Solo
An outlaw in his own right, the rough and tumble WWF World Heavyweight
Champion has the attitude and sharp tongue to deliver those snappy one-liners.
Kevin Nash as Chewbacca
The giant of a WCW World Heavyweight Champion wouldn't even need a haircut
to fill Peter Mayhew's monkey suit.
Paul Wight as Wampa the snow creature (Empire Strikes Back) or any other
gigantic creature required
Why spend a ton of dough on those costly computer effects when Wight can
fill in quite nicely? Kane growls pretty good so he could be Wight's
understudy on those days he's having liposuction done.
X-Pac or Billy Kidman as Luke Skywalker
Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Both are youthful, quick on their feet and
have an likable quality about them. How do we choose? Slap together a
quickie scaffold match. There's mucho light saber battles on metal
platforms in the series.
A whole slew of midget wrestlers as Jawas and Ewoks
Nuff said.
Harley Race as Obi-Wan Ben Kenobi
He sure don't talk or look like screen great Alec Guinness. We'll give it
to him anyways because he's a wise old coot. Use the steel folding chair,
Luke!
Gorgeous George as Princess Leia Organa
She's spunky. She's attractive. She'd be drop dead gorgeous if she put her
hair up in those quirky buns. AWF Champion Ms. B. Haven could also fit the bill.
The entire nWo Black and White as Storm Troopers, Tusken Raiders
They are used to being bit players having no discernible personality.
Scorpio as Baron Administrator Lando Calrissian
As Flash Funk, Scorpio wore the trench coat / cape well.
Dean Malenko as Boba Fett
Colder than a Canadian lake in December, Malenko's in-ring demeanor would
be an impeccable match for the ruthless, unemotional bounty hunter.
Terry Funk as Qui-Gon Jinn
Terry Funk? Liam Neeson? They sorta look alike don't they? What the hell,
I'd slip him in just so he could say to the Jedi Council...I'm training
Anakin whether you like it or not, you bast--ds!
Sting as a young Obi-Wan Kenobi
Virtuous and noble, the two characters suit each other.
Ahmed Johnson as Jar Jar Binks
No voice training needed. Nobody understood what Johnson said either.
