SLAM! Wrestling Editorial: Money for nothing
By JOHN POWELL -- SLAM! Wrestling
Except for the occasional snide remark here and there, we at SLAM!
Wrestling stay pretty neutral when it comes to reporting on the three main
federations and their talent. Though everyone has their favourites, we
closely monitor our coverage. The guidance we give each other and the
comments sent to us by our dedicated readers keeps us in check. Often these
criticisms act as little nudges in the right direction, putting us back on
the right path from which we have wandered astray. Fairness is something we
try very hard to maintain.
SLAM! Wrestling all too often shouts the praises of our wrestling idols.
The hard workers. The amazing athletes. The charming personalities. What
about the rest, I say? Don't they deserve to be recognized as well? With
this editorial, I hope to correct that situation. To right a great wrong.
To make up for our past mistakes. The lazy, the boring and the inept
deserve their time in the spotlight too! And by God, they shall have it in
my list below of the worst personalities in wrestling today.
So, here's to you o' lamest of the lame. May your wrestling duds shrink in
the wash. May you always miss your flight. May you be made to join the new
and improved Dungeon Of Doom. May you wake up one day, find another line of work and fill my heart full of joy, joy, joy.
Jack Victory
In case you are wondering, the big "V" on his chest is for "vacation" which
is what this guy should be on as he does next to nothing anyway. A run-in
specialist with all the personality of a crumpled beer can, Jack Victory
should be put to real work so he can earn his keep. Have him pour beer at
the concession stands, set-up and dismantle the ring or hock programs
outside the arenas. Then he would have a reason for being on the payroll
for crying out loud.
Stephanie McMahon
If you had a lovely daughter would you write her into a storyline in which
she was drugged, forced to marry someone and then imply she was sexually
assaulted? Remember, this is YOUR daughter we are talking about not some
everyday employee. Sure, it is just make-believe but you really have to
challenge the moral fibre of anyone who holds the final say on the scripts
and still approves of their daughter being written into such an angle. My
feelings on Vinnie Mac's decision as a father aside, Stephanie, herself,
has proved she doesn't belong in front of the camera. For one, she's got
just two facial expressions. The first is that sickening "little girl" pout
she does. The second is that annoying smirk, which is her trademark. She
can't act. She can't wrestle. Yet, she holds the WWF Women's Heavyweight
Championship when Ivory, Lita and Jackie are there to call upon. Go figure.
Mark Madden
By no means is his first name a coincidence. WCW let their biggest shill
take a seat at the announcer's desk and in that time the quality of their
already weak broadcast team has sunk lower than Berlyn's push. They give
this overbearing loudmouth a forum to act as a low-rent Bobby Heenan and
they relegate the insightful Mike Tenay to conducting backstage interviews?
What's up with that? Everything that comes out of Madden's mouth seems
forced and contrived. His overzealous sells on the mike are embarrassing to
the point of ruining the flow of whatever broadcast he's on. All that's
missing are the pompoms. Where's Tank Abbott when you really need him?
Tank Abbott
Speaking of Tank, that waste of space has engaged in some of the worst
matches WCW has put on in years. Punching and kicking are his forte. A
wrestling move is as foreign a concept to him as professional dental work.
He can't cut a promo to save his life. Why not kill two birds with one
stone? Let Tank beat up Mark Madden some more then show him the door back
to Ultimate Tough Guy Streetfighting or wherever the heck it is he came
from. So long and good riddance.
The Kat, Major Gunns, Elektra, Torrie Wilson
They are over because they showed some skin. Big deal. Anyone can do that.
Say what you want, at least the Nitro Girls break a sweat during their
dance routines. Dawn Marie, Francine, Terri, Tammy Lynn Stych and Elizabeth
run good interference while Tori and Daffney can 'wrestle' somewhat. The Kat,
Major Gunns, Elektra and Torrie haven't established that they can do
anything but look good. Whoopie.
Kevin Nash
Big Lazy is like an automatic car. He's totally shiftless. Getting away
with doing as little as he possibly can, Nash's work rate is slightly above
that of what Bret Hart's has been the last few months. If you look beyond
the dopey grin and witty remarks, he hasn't much to contribute. He's one of
those wrestlers who learned a handful of basic moves and has coasted by on
them ever since, never desiring to improve himself as a performer.
Routinely, he relies on other more talented wrestlers to carry him in the
ring. He hasn't has a great singles match in decades. Enough is enough.
Vote him off the "island" to paddle home in a dingy.
Horace Hogan, Jerry Flynn, Major Stash, Prince Albert
Okay. When are these four guys going to have that "break out" moment again?
They've had their chance to show that they can carry the ball. They fumbled
it. It's time to bench this foursome...permanently.
Reader Feedback
June 15:Tsuruta the best ever from Japan
Dear Mr. Molinaro
I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your fine editorial
on the impact of Misawa's departure from All Japan. Although there
admittedly are few AJPW fans on this continent, those of us that do look to
the Far East for are fix of real wrestling (as opposed to the drivel that
McMahon & Co. promote as "sports entertainment") are always grateful to have
a thoughtful and articulate voice such as yours speak on the subject. I'd
like to think that if more people could experience the All Japan product,
they'd finally realize how silly the Worm and G.I. Bro and other such North
American crap really is.
My friends never fail to be amazed when I show them the incredible bumps
that All Japan's fine competitors take every time they enter the ring. Moves
like Misawa's Tiger Driver '91, Kobashi's Burning Hammer and Kawada's
brainbuster simply put to shame the phoney-looking punches and kicks that
get served up every Monday night in Canada and the U.S. I am sad, for
reasons of tradition and sentimentality, to see AJPW fall apart but I hope
that Misawa can take his fellow defectors and create a promotion that can
take wrestling to an all new level. Hopefully, those staying in AJPW will
realize that they're on a sinking ship and get out before it's too late. I'm
particularly sorry to see that Kawada's staying on. What a shame it would be
if we never again have the good fortune to enjoy another classic
Misawa-Kawada match-up.
Well, I've ranted enough. Thanks again for the excellent work. It's always
a pleasure visiting the SLAM! Wrestling website and your columns always make
for an informative read.
Cheers!
James Charlton
I might disagree with one thing you said: you compared the Misawa
defection to Flair in 1991 or Hogan in 1994. I don't think he meant as
much to All Japan, in fact, he meant far more than either Flair or Hogan
ever could (well, admittedly Flair comes close). The number of quality
wrestlers leaving in his wake is evidence enough of that, this is the
undisputed wrestling story of the year thus far and I can only imagine the
implications.
BMN
