SLAM! Wrestling Editorial: What I hate about wrestling
By JOHN POWELL -- SLAM! Wrestling
Did the headline get your attention? I thought it might. I know what you're
thinking. How can a proud pro-wrestling journalist vigorously defending the
sport (Yeah, I said "sport", punks.) against the naysayers and snobbish
media types have anything negative to say? Well, I do. Why? Because I
strongly believe that you can only make something better by being open and
honest. So without further ado, I'm stealing a page out of good old David
Letterman's book and presenting my Top Ten things I hate about professional
wrestling.
10. Finishing Moves That Aren't Finishing Moves
There once was a time when certain specified moves really damaged an
opponent. If a DDT, piledriver or brain buster were applied, you were
toast. It was part of the unwritten wrestling lore so that some sense of
believability could be instilled. No human being can be fully functional
right after having their head and neck spiked into the canvas. It's just
not possible. The human body isn't capable of absorbing such a sudden
impact. So, if Ric Flair piledrived Ricky Steamboat in the middle of the
ring, he stayed down or at the very least was "dazed" for a large portion
of the bout.
Today, a wrestler can be spiked, slammed, catapulted, shot through a cannon
and they get up seconds later as if they were slapped by Mae Young. It may
not be a big deal to some but for me such "no selling" chips away at the
reality pro wrestling wants us to buy into. And, that's not the half of it.
How can Vince McMahon execute a Stone Cold Stunner so that it has the same
effect as if Austin had done it himself. That's laughable. What's the use
of having a special finishing move if someone else can do it just as well
as you can? It sorta defeats the purpose of a finishing move to begin with,
don't you think?
9. Unwavering support
We would all agree that D-Generation X are heels. They abuse and kidnap
women. They use their new-found authority to belittle others. They can't
fight their own battles without the support of their pals. They've even
mistreated "homeless people" on national television. According to current
WWF angles, DX are scum. Why then do fans happily sing-a-long whenever they
launch into their famous catch phrases? Same goes for the Outsiders and
others. Either you support them or you don't. When I was a kid, the Iron
Sheik could cut a promo saying all the coolest things in the world and
people would still boo the living hell out of him. What he did in and
outside of the ring meant more than what he babbled in a promo. I'm sorry.
I just don't get it. Engaging in sing-a-longs with a wrestler you don't
root for seems hypocritical to me.
8. Suits In The Ring
The worst thing to come out of pro-wrestling in the nineties was
spotlight-hogging promoters putting themselves over. I'll admit it. I loved
it when Vince McMahon and Eric Bischoff were taken out of the
"decision-making process" by Austin and Flair. McMahon, unable to meddle in
federation business due to his loss to Austin. Bischoff, demoted to setting
up rings by "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. What a glorious duration it was! The
championships meant something again. Matches ended in clean finishes. No
promoters interfering in the bouts, changing cards around on the fly and
exerting their authority to manipulate the outcome of key title matches.
I'm telling you. If I see the Bret Hart - Screw Job ending one more time I
swear I'll personally resurrect the entire Dungeon Of Doom. That's not a
threat, my friends. That's a promise! The Shark will surface again!
7. The Run-In Finish
Unimaginative. Tedious. Darn lazy booking. It's been done to death. For the
sake of all that's holy, I am pleading with each and every booker out
there, stop boring us with these catch-all finales. Did I mention that I
have The Master's number on speed dial? Just one touch of a button and
it's...Dungeon Of Doom Mania! Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
6. Promos
Yap. Yap Yap. More yapping. Things are pretty bad when there's but 20
minutes of actual wrestling per television hour. Okay. It's not THAT bad
but it's close. If it doesn't advance a storyline, I say shut the hell up
already and wrestle. Unless you happen to be Rob Van Dam, Al Snow, The
Rock, Chris Jericho, Steve Corino or Mankind. Then, you can flap your gums
until they bleed.
5. Lucha Style Wrestling
Note this comment doesn't apply to all Mexican-born or trained wrestlers.
What I am getting at is not what Super Crazy, Eddie Guerrero or Konnan do
in the ring. It's those dumb-ass bouts we are subjected to. You know the
ones. Guys trained in the Lucha style hitting nothing but high spots. The
action has zero credibility as every maneuver would either...One, put a
normal man away or Two, severely injure the attacker. Those fifty-man
pile-ups outside the ring gotta go too. Come on, man. That move is worse
than X-Pac's imbecilic Bronco Buster. The wrestlers picking their nose and
flossing their teeth outside the ring while waiting for the next fly boy to
launch himself over the top rope onto them? What a joke. High spot-only
wrestlers are self-serving, egomaniacs whose primary desire is to get
themselves over at the cost of every person they work with. You'll notice
that these spotlight hogs can't produce a match that has some flow to it.
It is common knowledge that every bout should "tell a story". Someone
should tell these guys that.
4. Monthly Pay-Per-Views
You may think I've been spent too much time near the office photocopier or
that I am closing in on The Fabulous Moolah as far as birthdays go (I swear
to you, I'm not that old!) nevertheless I do recall a time when there were
less than ten...count them TEN... pay-per-views per year. Imagine that.
Feuds building-up for months and months then ultimately exploding in a
thrilling showdown. Not so, any more. You may laugh (as I do sometimes) at
eighties Rock 'n Wrestling but...you know what? There were more memorable
matches and storylines then than there are now. The time, effort and
thought put forth made for a superior product. You really did get your
money's worth. You felt as if you were witnessing wrestling history in the
making. Those days are long gone. Suspenseful programming has been cast
aside for monster buyrates. Carefully constructed storylines for cold, hard
cash. It's a darn shame.
3. Mature Themes
One thing that I look forward to is sharing my life-long passions with my
son. Maybe he will appreciate heavy metal, pro-wrestling, motion pictures,
video games and the art of cooking. Maybe he won't. That's cool. I promise
I won't take it too hard if he scoffs at me sitting in front of the
television and watching grown men (and women too!) beat themselves into a
bloody pulp. However, I would've liked to have that chance. I wanted him to
experience the wide-eyed wonder of attending his first live wrestling event
like my grandfather did with me many years ago. To take in the sights and
sounds that I love. To sit together at home and share in something special.
Based on the shenanigans going on in the squared circle now, I don't know
if that will be possible until he is much older.
As much as anyone else did, I hated a substantial amount of the cartoonish
material pro wrestling dealt out in the eighties and early nineties. I
longed for promoter to stop catering to children and realize there was
young adults and adults watching too. I should've been more careful what I
wished for.
In my opinion things have gone too far. Why do we need X-Pac telling his
"Christmas story" in the ring when there's already a feud established with
Kane? Why do we need ECW wrestlers using language that would make my
grandmother blush when it's going to be bleeped out anyways? Why are women
disrobing on pay-per-view? Why so many sexual references? It's not that I
am against any of those things. I have watched my fair share of porno
flicks and routinely use colourful language. But, not in front of my son or
other children. Everything has its time and place. Wrestling is not the
family-oriented entertainment it used to be. Something that mom, pop, sis
and bro could enjoy together. More than anything else in pro-wrestling, I
miss that aspect. In their quest to re-invent and draw attention to
themselves, the promoters have alienated a large portion of the population.
One day, I promise you, they will go so far there will be no way back.
Their actions
will come back to bite them. Mark my words.
2. The Status Of Women
Wrestling has never been an institution that has depicted women in a good
light. Their persons have been the prize in many a contest. They are abused
and forced to do humiliating things in countless storylines. You'd suppose
that in the year 2000, their position would improve just as the subject of
race is not a viable angle in our enlightened times. Not so. The state of
the Women's Championships speaks to that end. Talented women who've trained
hard and worked hard in a male-dominated business forced to rely on how
fast they can unhook their bra rather than how fast they can counter a
figure four to get themselves over. Be it known that in Japan, there are
several flourishing women's wrestling federations that pack arenas to the
rafters. They take bumps. They fight in cage matches. They are just as good
as their male counterparts. Trust me. I've seen them in action. They're
hardcore. We'd like to think of ourselves in North America as being more
sophisticated. Yeah, right. Who are we kidding? Real wrestlers like Ivory,
Luna
and Madusa turned into second-rate strippers so that immature males
can chant phrases that belong in strip clubs not live wrestling events?
It's a deplorable situation.
1. Federation Marks
You know who you are. You're the ones who think that EVERYTHING and I mean
EVERYTHING your favorite federation does is the best. Nothing they ever do
is wrong, misguided or just plain stupid. Your chosen fed is perfect beyond
compare and criticism will not be tolerated no matter how justified it is.
These people are unquestionably the greatest blight upon the professional
wrestling business. Their dishonesty does nothing to improve the sport and
display their arrogance by demanding that others choose one federation over
the other. In their minds, you can't expand horizons and like wrestling as
a whole. You're either on their side or you're deemed the enemy. That's
unfair and senseless. Every federation has their good and bad points.
That's the reality. That's the truth. When someone is so blinded by their
loyalty that they won't criticize or question things, then it can only be
said that mind-set is the mark of a fool. You belong in the Dungeon Of
Doom. Enough said.
