Sun scribes go toe to toe over pro wrestling
EDITOR'S NOTE: Watching large, sweaty, nearly naked men pretending to pound one another into a bloody pulp - this is the spectacle that is modern professional wrestling.
Is it sports? Is it entertainment? Perhaps it inhabits some nether region in between. It sure is popular, though.
Nearly 15,000 fans came to WWF Attitude in Skyreach Centre last night. In the interest of balanced journalism, or maybe a sadistic impulse, we thought it would be fun to team up a veteran with a neophyte to cover this event: Scott Zerr
, who knows everything there is to know about professional wrestling, and Mike Ross
, who knows absolutely nothing about it.
Edmonton's own Chris Benoit, The Crippler, grabs Sun writers Scott Zerr, left, and Mike Ross before last night's WWF match at Skyreach. Benoit won his bout but our writers are still scrapping. -- Robert Taylor, Edmonton Sun
Here are their comments:
MIKE: Why am I here? What are these people doing? What, or who, is The Rock? And why does he always refer to himself in the third person? Does he walk into the house and say, "Hi, honey. The Rock is home. The Rock needs a
SCOTT: Come on. You don't know The Rock? Do you live in a cave or did you fall off the back of a turnip truck? The Rock is the man - the People's Champion.
MIKE: Who's this guy who looks like a pimp with all his ladies? He's larger than life, but that can't be the Rock.
SCOTT: That's Godfather and his, uh, entourage. A night on the town with him might be interesting.
MIKE: What are they chanting?
SCOTT: "Head cheese." That's for Al Snow.
MIKE: OK, so now the pimp guy is "fighting" the head cheese guy. This is so fake.
SCOTT: Fake, sure, but entertaining, absolutely. Throwing the guy off the
top of the turnbuckle. That's athletic. Look, he's starting up the ho' train. Chug-a-chug-a, choo-choo.
MIKE: Oh, no. The ho's are smothering the referee.
SCOTT: They're just showing their appreciation for his expert 1-2-3 count -- and another well-deserved victory for Godfather. Now it's time for the Iceman, Dean Malenko, Man of 1,000 Holds.
MIKE: Yeah, and all of them fake.
SCOTT: I'd give him a buck to put you in the Texas Cloverleaf.
MIKE: OK, calm down. I'm not sure which is which, but one of the guys seems to be losing. He's getting dragged around by his feet.
SCOTT: He's just softening him up for the finishing move.
MIKE: The Texas Cloverleaf?
MIKE: This is freaking me out. People are cheering as if there's some question about who's going to win. Don't they plan it all out in advance?
SCOTT: They know who the winner's going to be, but you never know what's going to happen in the ring. There's only so much scripting you can do.
MIKE: It's like a heavy metal grappling ballet. Now they're cheering the referee.
SCOTT: It's the only time you'll ever hear a crowd cheer the ref in this building.
MIKE: Time for the next act. These new guys look like Limp Bizkit.
SCOTT: That's Too Cool. They should make all the white kids in the suburbs really happy, the favourite team for guys who drive around in their mom's car with Snoop Dogg blasting through the windows.
MIKE: This is a little more entertaining.
SCOTT: It's entertaining because Trish Stratus is there. Oh, man, he nailed him with that boot to the head. You have to have heard that.
MIKE: Watch out, it's the dreaded airplane spin.
SCOTT: A classic move, but not a classic finish when you fall out of the ring. Come on, Mike, you're enjoying this. Admit it.
MIKE: It's pretty funny, all right. It's like a passion play, good against evil, the thrill of victory, the agony of a chair hurled at your head. Oops, it looks like Too Cool lost. Why are they still in the ring?
SCOTT: A little breakdancing always makes the loss go down easier.
MIKE: What's that they're shouting?
SCOTT: "The Bossman's gay."
MIKE: Are there any gay wrestlers?
SCOTT: I wouldn't want to ask one of them. Now this guy is Paul Bearer. He's the "father" of Kane, who was out with a broken hand.
MIKE: He's pummelling The Bossman, all right. Aw, no one likes The Bossman. Poor guy. Do they flip a coin to see which one gets to be the villain?
SCOTT: It's all determined. You're always either a heel or a babyface. Right now, Kane is a face.
MIKE: Ohmigod, Kane's boot came within inches of The Bossman's face. The force of the air must be tremendous.
SCOTT: Just as close as an actor with a sword in a Shakespeare play. This is theatre!
MIKE: Watch out, it's the dreaded ...
SCOTT: Choke slam!
MIKE: The crowd called for it and Kane used it to finish off The Bossman.
SCOTT: Now you're getting it. This ought to be good: The six-man tag team match.
MIKE: Hey, that guy called us "idiot Canadians." He must be a heel.
SCOTT: That's Triple-H. He's the biggest heel of them all. Boo to your heart's content, but be prepared for a big cheer.
MIKE: The Rock?
SCOTT: Can you smell what he's cooking?
MIKE: Huh? I'm not sure what's going on. The good guy just hit a woman. Doesn't that make him a heel?
SCOTT: Yeah, but she's a heel, too, so it's OK.
MIKE: This is like West Side Story on steroids.
SCOTT: That's a little too highbrow for me. I'll stick with this. Time for the People's Elbow.
MIKE: The what now? Oh, it appears The Rock has vanquished his foes. Wait, he's going to say something.
THE ROCK: Finally, The Rock has come back to Edmonton! ... Canada has made some of the best pie the Rock has ever had. Not just any pie ..."
SCOTT: (Naughty word) pie!
THE ROCK: (Naughty word) pie!
MIKE: Wow, you really know your stuff.
SCOTT: Yeah. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?