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  March 16, 1999



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READER ALERT: For all the latest wrestling happenings, check out our News & Rumours section.

Why wrestling rules over curling


By SCOTT ZERR -- Edmonton Sun
Enough is enough and it's time for a change.

After nine days of watching rock after rock slide down a sheet of ice and grown men yelling at each other to sweep just a little bit harder, just a touch further, we, the non-rockheads, can't stand it any more.

Time for some relief and hockey, March Madness and Grapefruit League baseball just aren't enough to alleviate the pain.

Ah, yes, professional wrestling - a real man's soap opera - that will do quite nicely. Nothing beats a Monday night in front of the big screen watching two palookas drop-kicking and pile-driving the heck out one another.

Professional wrestling just has so many things to offer that curling can't possibly provide. Alongside Junebug, Sweetpea and some non-stop potato chip-eating machine named Butterlove, a list of reasons shortly came together and it was peculiar how much the so-called 'roaring game' could learn from the men of the squared circle.

- In wrestling, you can always smell what 'The Rock' is cookin'. With curling, who knows and who wants to find out?

- Curling may have the 'Wrench', but wrasslin' easily outclasses the icemen in the nickname department. There's the 'Excellence of Execution', the 'Nature Boy', the 'Beast from the East', the 'People's Champion' and the 'Road Dogg'. And how did curling let the handle 'Stone Cold' get away?

- Curlers can 'hurry hard' all they want, but not a single one of them could possibly have "the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today." The fact curling prohibits full-contact certainly takes much away from its possibilities.

Jeff Stoughton -- No Hardcore Champion.
- Russ Howard and Jeff Stoughton - nice enough chaps and great curlers, but neither could ever be considered the "Hardcore Champion." A step in the right direction would be replacing the Tankard with a stylish title strap.

- Wrestlemania versus the Brier. A completely unfair contest. When was the last time you saw four guys call up their local cable company then order in a truckload of pizzas to watch pay-per-view curling. A live feed from the Patch does however have promise.

- Do give some in the Brier crowd credit for displaying 'Hunka 3:16' signs. The rest of us have just two words for ya - 'Sweep It!'

- And why, oh why, does not one team at the Brier have a semi-clad valet toting their gear to the rink? The volunteer drivers are fantastic, but wouldn't the squads be better served by someone of the calibre of Sunny, Chyna, Debra or even Luna Vachon? Not once will any of us see a curling sidekick appear in the April edition of Playboy. (Note to self: check mail for new issue.)

- Sticking with that topic for the moment, wouldn't it be a hoot to see a valet/manager provide a little outside interference during a pressure-packed 10th end with a spot in the playoffs at stake. All we're pleading for is a subtle trip or even distracting the official's attention for a split-second to allow for a hogline violation. Better still would be a metal chair to the spine or a violent broom shot to the back of the head.

- Yesterday's Brier final was a hotly contested affair. But why not add a dash of flair - all right throw in 13-time heavyweight champ Ric Flair and see how he does. Let the finalists settle the national championship in a cage match. Or how about an Indian strap match. Better still might be a Lumberjack match - put all the losing teams around the sheet to prevent the top-two sides from escaping unscathed.

There is so much to be gained by curling if it would only take wrestling seriously. Yet nobody but us fanatics do.

Oh well, back to the ringside seats.

The real show's about to begin.