HHH wrestling with the truth
By SHELLY DECKER -- Edmonton Sun
When Hunter Hearst-Helmsley struts into the ring tonight, he's not sure
who will be his most ardent pursuer - the maniacal opponent a few steps away or
the lusting women in the stands.
At least that's the view through the self-absorbed eyes of this
27-year-old, one of the headliners at World Wrestling Federation's Raw is War
extravaganza in the Coliseum at 5:30 p.m.
The wrestling superpower is unstoppable when it comes to talking
about his (alleged) magnetic sex appeal.
"Chicks dig me the most,'' offers this testosterone-raging hulk of
flesh just moments into an interview.
And surprise, surprise - Hearst-Helmsley is very single.
"Why, you interested?" he queries.
Without pausing for breath, and ignoring my shrieks of laughter, he
utters: "What are you wearing? Your face isn't all red is it? You must have
something good on.''
Somehow this reporter manages to dodge the big boy's normally
irresistible rays to try to chat about wrestling.
"Just tell me how many articles of clothes do you have on?'' he asks,
adding there's no point in trying to resist.
"I'm like the sun. You know you're not supposed to look at it, but
you just have to look. Once you look, you can't stop staring.''
Similar to a freak show perhaps?
But Hearst-Helmsley's wants us to know his passion extends beyond the
other sex. He is fervent in describing the joys of climbing in the ring and
pounding an opponent.
"You've got to be a showman, an athlete and it's physically a
challenge. It encompasses a lot of different things,'' he says.
And like so many things in life, people need to look at pro wrestling
in a more appreciative light, he believes.
"People see a bunch of guys on TV in costume, yelling and screaming.
I don't think they consider us athletes.
"We are some of the toughest athletes in the world. We do this almost
non-stop, 280 days of the year. We don't have seasons or breaks where we don't
wrestle for months.''
To suspicious minds he insists the hulking size - lack of neck and
all - is the result of hard work, not a chemical fix.
"Does the WWF have steroid users? No,'' says Hearst-Helmsley, who was
raised in a wealthy neighborhood in Greenwich, Connecticut.
"Our drug testing program is stricter than the Olympics.''
Whatever you say.
Expect the Coliseum to be jammed tonight as the culturally challenged
witness the exciting bashing among the six-man, tag-team match to be broadcast
around the world. Proud, diehard fans from all backgrounds will be cheering on
the likes of Calgary's Bret "Hit Man" Hart, the British Bulldog and the
Undertaker.
Of course, many women filling the stands will be pining for the
Godzilla-like Adonis, Hearst-Helmsley himself. Or so he says - you may have
noticed by now.
"A lot of chicks come to watch me and they're diggin' me,'' offers
the brown-eyed wonder.
And not to keep beating the point, but those barricades lining the
wrestlers' entrance are actually designed to protect Hearst-Helmsley from an
adoring public.
"We need the barricades, otherwise I'd be mobbed.''
Hearst-Helmsley is a determined warrior when it comes to vying for
victory in this battle.
"But it's true. Wait till you come to the show, you'll dig me, too.
You won't have a choice."
Ah, like so many feminists, women have little ability to resist the
power of men. But, like Luke, the force is strong and this reporter manages to
soldier on.
How about explaining the entertainment value of seeing grunting,
grown men pretending to maim one another?
Hearst-Helmsley doesn't understand.
"We're entertainment. There's different characters. We have rock
music entrances and lights and fireworks and all different kinds of things.
It's the greatest show on earth. It used to be the circus, now it's us.''
But when these Bozos enter the ring, clad in their spandex costumes,
they insist it's no act. It's the real stuff.
Hearst-Helmsley extends an offer to reach out and touch someone if
they suspect the monster-sized men aren't true in their pounding of each other.
"The thing that makes me mad is that they say nobody gets hurt or
it's all phoney. I dare anyone to sign a waiver and get in the ring with any
one of us and they'll realize in 10 seconds that this isn't fake,'' says the
ring's bad boy, who does whatever it takes to win.
He's open to the suggestion boxer Mike Tyson is best suited to the
world of pro wrestling after he bit off part of Evander Holyfield's ear during
a recent match.
"I'd kill him,'' says big boy. "If biting an ear is his best move,
I'll beat him in five minutes. A wrestler would kill a boxer, 'cause a boxer
just knows how to throw punches.''
His female sidekick Chyna is a formidable 190-pound boxer with a
martial arts and wrestling background. Even if she were bad, he wouldn't pummel
Chyna.
"I'd give her a good spanking if she wants it,'' he says in true
Beavis and Butt-head form. "Did I mention that chicks dig me?''
