It's called Armageddon for a reason folks. After
ending RAW's 2003 season with a fiery train wreck of a
Pay-Per-View and winning the dubious honor of Worst
PPV in the SLAM! Wrestling reader poll, WWE shook
things up with Smackdown! sending its roster to what
may be its ultimate doom.
The main event has always been the make or break
match for this PPV. In fact, the Hell in the Cell main
event in 2000 was so bad that Armageddon didn't even
take place the next year. Although expectations have
been significantly lowered in the years since, the
success of this year's card rests mainly with the
Fatal Four-Way between JBL, The Undertaker, Booker T
and Eddie Guerrero.
Over the past six months, JBL had dispatched each
one of his opponents for the WWE title, every time
using underhanded tactics to retain the belt. After
beating Booker T at Survivor Series, Bradshaw thought
he was in the clear, until Guerrero, Undertaker and
Booker T came looking for rematches. The champ refused
to grant any matches. Smackdown! General Manager
Theodore Long agreed; there would be no individual
matches. Instead, JBL would have to defend his belt
against all three men in a Fatal Four-Way at
Armageddon. Long also banned JBL's cabinet from
ringside during the match, adding that if any one of
them interfered, Bradshaw would be stripped of the
belt.
Before heading to the ring, Bradshaw meets with
his newly-formed cabinet. Even though they offer words
of encouragement, the mood is somber. Without the
trademark limo, Bradshaw walks slowly to the ring. Of
course, we all know this means there is a good chance
he's keeping the belt. We're smart like that.
Like the true fighting champ he is, Bradshaw ducks
out of the ring to let his opponents duke it out.
Guerrero and Booker T decide to team up to take out
Taker, an alliance that lasts a whole five minutes.
The only time JBL sticks his neck out is to try to
score a cheap pinfall on Booker, who promptly kicks
out.
Undertaker takes command of the match, nailing JBL
with a side slam and knocking Booker T into the crowd.
With all four men outside the ring, Bradshaw gets a
taste of the steel steps. The champ fights back
though, clearing the announce table and setting the
Dead Man up for a power bomb. Undertaker counters with
a back body drop.
With the action finally back in the ring,
Undertaker takes Booker 'Old School,' and then tosses
Latino Heat over the top rope. Undertaker follows with
a guillotine leg drop on Eddie while Booker is getting
worked over by the champ in the ring.
After recovering from Taker's beating, Eddie
decides to make things interesting by pulling a ladder
out from under the ring. The Dead Man gets smacked in
the face and Eddie rolls back into the ring, where
Booker T is cleaning house. Just past the
fifteen-minute mark, Booker T hits Guerrero with the
scissors kick, but can only score a two count.
The fight spills out to the floor again. Bradshaw
takes charge for a minute. He tries to powerbomb
Booker through the announce table, and when that
doesn't work, he drops an elbow that gets the job
done. JBL gets a taste of his own medicine a minute
later when he takes the Last Ride through the Spanish
announce table.
Guerrero, still in the ring during this nonsense,
decides to go into his bag of tricks and plays possum
for the Undertaker. Eddie slides out of the Last Ride
but runs into a choke slam shooting off the ropes.
Latino Heat is set up for the Last Ride, but counters
with a belt shot while on Taker's shoulders. Guerrero
tries to finish him off with two frog splashes, but
Undertaker sits up. Eddie nails him with a mule kick
and tries a frog splash off the top of the ladder. It
connects, but JBL pulls the ref out of the ring after
a two count.
All four men get their chance at the belt.
Undertaker rises up again, connecting with choke slams
on all three opponents. The match looks sealed as JBL
is set up for a tombstone pile driver, but our worst
fears are realized: Heidenreich hits the ring.
Heidenreich pummels Taker and slips out of the
ring. JBL tries to cover Booker, who kicks out, then
Eddie, who does the same. Undertaker sits up, only to
be pulled from the ring by Heidenreich, who slaps on a
cobra clutch. JBL seizes the opportunity, crushing
Booker T with the Clothesline from Hell and covering
for the three count to retain his title.
The next WWE Pay-Per-View is New Year's
Revolution on January 9.
We here at SLAM! Wrestling are presenting you, the
reader, an early Christmas gift. That's right, it's
the tag-team PPV report with Dale Plummer and Nick
Tylwalk! You may remember us doing the very same thing
last year for the same PPV, but this time I get top
billing because it's a Smackdown! show.
I don't know anything about Smackdown except
what I read in your reports and I don't remember
losing any bets. Why am I here again?
It's retribution for having to sit through the
debacle of a PPV last year.
Match #1 - RVD and Rey Mysterio (champions)
vs. Kenzo Suzuki and Renee Dupree (challengers) - WWE
Tag Team championship
Hey, here's some guys that you should remember:
RVD and Dupree. RVD and Mysterio are fresh off winning
the belts on Thursday, which you'd know if you read my
report!
I'm learning a lot watching this match, like
the fact that Rey and Rob's 420 was named for the four
legs that drop on their opponent and their combined
shoe sizes. So I guess the Chalupa Roll is named for
Rey's love of eating chalupas and Rob's love of
rolling ... um, stuff.
And despite being a high flying match, there were
missed spots galore. It's a good thing this PPV didn't
take place in Philly -- all you ECW fans know what I'm
talking about. Even though the match had its technical
problems, it was one of the most entertaining of the
night. RVD and Mysterio hold onto their belts, though.
RVD finishes off Dupree with the Five-Star Frog Splash
after a dual 619 from Rey on Dupree and Suzuki.
Winners ... and still WWE Tag Team champions ... RVD
and Rey Mysterio at 19 minutes
Match Rating: 7.5/10
Even though he is taking on Big Show later in the
evening, Kurt Angle is still up for defending his gold
medal in the Kurt Angle Invitational.
And Kurt has a very special opponent tonight
who many of you are probably hoping to get a visit
from real soon: Santa Claus. I'm rooting against him
on account of the coal he left me last year. Kurt
takes care of him quickly, making him tap to the Ankle
Lock in less than 30 seconds and avoiding Santa's
devastating finisher, the Chimney Drop.
Once again, it's a good thing this PPV isn't in
Philly. Santa would be getting booed unmercifully.
The entire Tough Enough competition is recapped.
Hey Plummer, weren't you excited about this new
version of Tough Enough? Remember all that crap you
gave me about the Raw Diva Search segments? Who's
chuckling now?
Yeah, about that ... WWE sure knows how to kill a
good idea, don't they? Anyway, we are down to our last
two competitors, Daniel Puder and Mike "The Miz"
Mizanin. Tonight, they will be fighting in a Dixie
Dogfight, so it's pretty much a shoot boxing match.
And since Nick is our resident boxing expert, he can
cover this sham.
The format is three one-minute rounds, which is
probably all I'll be able to stomach anyway. I'm a fan
of real boxing, and there isn't too much of that here.
What we do see is a lot of off-balance flailing and a
good bit of holding and rabbit punching. Despite the
announcers' attempts to pump up The Miz, I give all
three rounds to Puder for throwing some good straight
right hands. I heard Puder had ultimate fighting
experience, so you'd think he'd at least know what a
jab was. I'd rather watch John Ruiz fight than these
guys, and that's really saying something. There are
real boxing judges ringside, but since this isn't real
boxing, Long lets the crowd decide the winner, and
they pick Puder. Let's move on please.
Unfortunately, this 'boxing' match doesn't decide
who wins Tough Enough - that's up to the internet
voting. The Miz will probably win, because all the
girls know him from MTV.
The cameras catch Eddie Guerrero and Booker T
talking strategy in the locker room. Booker finds it
quite amusing the Eddie could ever beat him for the
title. The two eventually settle on worrying about
Undertaker, who just happens to walk in on them. Boy,
that was awkward.
Match #2 - Charlie Haas and Hardcore Holly vs.
The Basham Bros.
This match wasn't even on the card, and for good
reason.
There really isn't much worth noting that
happens until Dawn Marie and Miss Jackie come out from
the back and distract Haas from the business at hand.
The Bashams pull the old 'identical twin' switch and
Doug rolls up Holly for the pin. Or maybe it was
Danny, how the heck should I know?
Winners: The Basham Brothers at six minutes and
51 seconds
Match Rating: 4/10
I thought for sure Hardcore was going to beat Haas
to a bloody pulp, even if it wasn't in the script.
Instead, we fade to commercial.
It's not too often that a commercial is the
highlight of the night, but not every commercial is a
promo for the Royal Rumble featuring Vince McMahon
picturing his wrestlers reenacting the fight scene
from West Side Story. Whoever got Chris Benoit to wear
a handkerchief around his neck and snap his fingers
while lip-synching is my hero. And the sight of
Mysterio in costume but still wearing his mask? That
almost had me on the floor. You need to see this ad,
but you probably will get 179 chances over the next
month or so.
Why can't the guys that come up with the
commercials come up with a decent storyline?
Match #3 - John Cena (champion) vs. Jesus
(challenger) w/ Carlito Caribbean Cool - U.S. Title
Championship Match - Street Fight
Nick, it's HEY-ZEUS, not Jesus, the Lord our
Saviour. Got it?
That's cool because I like Cena but I don't
know if he could have won the match I was picturing
the first time I read through the card.
Anyway, this wasn't so much a match as it was a
straight up assault. But first, Cena tricked out the
U.S. Title belt. You have to see it to believe it.
Onto the match, which sees Jesus getting in an early
cane shot that just seems to wake the champ up. Cena
took Jesus out behind the woodshed, breaking the kendo
stick over his back. Jesus also took a stiff kick to
the head before getting doused with the contents of a
trashcan. Carlito tried to help his boy out, but with
no success. Cena finishes him off with a street sign
shot to the head, setting up a bloodied Jesus for the
F-U.
Carlito tries to steal Cena's chain again after
the bell, but Cena cuts him off and lays him out with
a chain shot to the face. That leaves our hero to
celebrate with his new belt, complete with extra ice
and a spinner in the middle. I'm sure I lost some of
you there. And dude, I know you straightened me out,
but I'm reading my notes and seeing things like, "Cena
dumps trash on Jesus" and "Cena gives F-U to Jesus." I
think I need to go to confession now.
Winner ... and still U.S. Champion ... John Cena at
seven minutes and 54 seconds
Match Rating: 5/10
Miss Jackie is getting ready for her match, while
her fiance, Charlie Haas, gets ready to officiate.
Jackie tells her man that she will take care of Dawn
Marie for good. Charlie seems pleased, but then asks
if she is planning to wrestle with her engagement ring
on. Miss Jackie thinks it best not to and takes it
off, giving it to Haas.
Match #4 - Dawn Marie vs. Miss Jackie w.
Charlie Haas as Special Guest Referee
Nothing special here folks, it's your typical
catfight. We did have the "both women roll over the
referee" spot, which is fast becoming a staple of
these matches. Dawn Marie picks up the victory with a
roll-up and a handful of Jackie's tights.
Winner: Dawn Marie at one minute and 43 seconds
Match Rating: 1/10
The real fireworks take place after the match.
If by fireworks you mean Charlie admitting he's
having an affair with Dawn Marie and calling off his
engagement to Jackie, then yeah. Haas gets down on one
knee to ask one question to Dawn, but it's not the one
she was expecting. Instead, it's "Why are you such a
slut?"
Post Match Shenanigans Rating: 8/10
I really didn't see that one coming. It's not very
often WWE writers stray from the most obvious path.
It's also not too often that a WWE crowd cheers
someone for turning down two attractive females.
Moving on, Big Show gets a good luck kiss from Joy
Giovanni on his way to the ring. I've got two problems
with this. First, how does she have a job? And second,
I need some good luck too, just to make it through the
rest of this report. What about me? What about
Tylwalk?
I think I can help. I've looked into this
situation. First, she was on the RAW Diva search. It
said nothing about Smackdown, so legally it's cool.
Second, you're a married man Nick, shame one you.
Match #5 - Big Show vs. Kurt Angle, Luther
Reigns, and Mark Jindrak
The problem with a match like this is that only
one of two things can be happening at any given
moment. Either Big Show is tossing someone around
one-on-one or the heels are double or triple-teaming
him to even the odds. Wash, rinse, repeat. That's not
very exciting. At least Show's presence in this match
virtually ensures that it won't go more than ten
minutes. Also, if you had told me three years ago that
Jindrak would be a regular on TV and his former
partner Sean O'Haire would not, I would have
questioned your sanity.
Angle tries to finish off Show with an Angle Slam,
which almost gets all the way up. Show rolls out of
the Ankle Lock and goes after the legal man, Jindrak.
Show picks him up and hits ... the F-5? What the?? Is he
baiting Brock Lesnar to return? I thought the
Minnesota Vikings just recently re-signed him to
practice squad.
Winner: The Big Show at nine minutes and 45
seconds
Match Rating: 4.5/10
Before the cruiserweight title match, number
one Smackdown announcer Funaki decides to interview
himself. Go back and read that last sentence again,
then use your imagination. Spike Dudley crashes the
one-man show but finds himself outwitted by his
challenger, surely a low point in Dudley family
history.
Match #6 - Funaki (challenger) vs. Spike
Dudley (champion) - Cruiserweight Title Match
When you think cruiserweights, you probably think
of high-flying matches with crazy spots. Well, not
tonight. The crowd was dead throughout the match,
which didn't help matters. Spike counters a tornado
DDT and goes for the Dudley dog, which Funaki dodges.
A series of reversals and roll-throughs ends with
Funaki on top, winning his first cruiserweight
championship.
Winner ... and new Cruiserweight Champion ... Funaki
at nine minutes and 30 seconds
Match Rating: 6/10
Match #7 - JBL (champion) vs. Booker T
(challenger) vs. Eddie Guerrero (challenger) vs. The
Undertaker (challenger) - Fatal Four-way - WWE
Championship match
Winner ... and still WWE Champion... JBL at 25
minutes and 37 seconds
Match Rating: 7/10
Total Event Time: 2 hours and 47
minutes
Event Rating: 6/10
Visit the SLAM! Wrestling store!
Pre-order the Armageddon 2004 DVD
Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM!
Wrestling since 2003, while Nick Tylwalk has been on
the beat since 1998. Dale and Nick enjoy working
together, but are wondering why they were asked to
cover this lowly PPV for the second straight year. A
pair of diamond-crusted tag team belts would probably
help smooth over any hard feelings. Hint, hint.
