March 17, 2007
The Condemned (2007)
By DAVE HILLHOUSE -- SLAM! Wrestling
Starring: Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Nathan Jones
In one sense, it's odd that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin wasn't the first person chosen to launch the inaugural string of WWE Films; Austin may have even more ability than The Rock does as far as drawing in mainstream crowds. On the other hand, See No Evil and The Marine may have been the equivalent of dark matches -- just pumping up the crowd before the main-eventers take the screen.
Regardless, on April 27th, Stone Cold will get to swear, beat people up, get beaten up, and resist authority. And you thought Eminem was stretching his abilities in 8 Mile.
The story finds Steve Austin playing Jack Conrad, one of 10 convicts purchased by a rich television producer and sent to a remote island to play a sort of high-stakes Survivor. The convicts are forced to kill each other to survive, leaving only one victor to make it off the island. With these shades of Schwarzenegger's The Running Man (which also had a wrestling connection, featuring Jesse Ventura and Professor Toru Tanaka in bit parts), Austin is primed to emerge as the winner of the 2007 Island Rumble -- er, you know what I mean. Something tells me, though, that there's bound to be some collusion amongst the inmates and that smarmy television producer just might get his comeuppance.
Dave Hillhouse is a screenwriter and teacher, and can be emailed at firstname.lastname@example.org -- SLAM! Wrestling.