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Hogan boring in Suburban Commando
By LIZ BRAUN - Toronto Sun
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What is Hulk Hogan, anyway - seven, eight feet tall?

Maybe 600 pounds?

And you know how his body is all covered with those huge muscles like somehow he got cantalopes stuck under his skin or something and how his blond hair hangs down over his shoulders and how he growls and grimaces and just has to pick up heavy machinery for kids to start cheering? You follow? Flamboyant doesn't begin to cover it with this guy, does it?

So Hogan's the star of Suburban Commando, and you know what they've done with him in this picture that also stars Christopher Lloyd and Shelly Duvall and is all about an intergalactic grudge match? Do you?

They've made the Hulkster boring, that's what.

Go figure.

Since children have a short attention span, we're not sure who the audience is supposed to be for Suburban Commando.

In this semi-dog, Hulk Hogan plays a sort of Mad Max of the universe who crash-lands in America and takes a holiday teaching Earthlings how to smarten up. Oh, bogus.

The movie starts with some fairly cheesy Star Wars special effects stuff, with Hulk and his enemies going at it in another universe.

The long and short of it -- well, the painfully long of it, to be accurate -- is that Hogan comes to earth and takes up residence with a meek guy named Charlie (Lloyd, Back To The Future).

Poor old Charlie doesn't have the courage to ask for a raise, or face the biker gang next door, or even to run a yellow light. He's a wimp. You can be sure the Hulk gets that squared away by the end of the movie.

Our hero goes about thrashing anyone who threatens dogs or children, while Charlie bumbles around spying on him and experimenting with his intergalactic war toys.

Then there's a big dust-up with some bounty hunters from outer space and all the bad guys get theirs and good triumphs over all, etc.

There are three great laughs in Suburban Commando. Here is one of them:

Christopher Lloyd to Hulk: "Where are you from?"

Hulkster to Lloyd: (grunting, wolfing down his food, physically dominating the dining room): "FRANCE!"

Maybe you had to be there.

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