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   Sat, June 19, 2004



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COMMENT





Pondering mythical matchups
Politicians, celebs square off
By BRET HART - SLAM! Wrestling
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My dad had a way of sizing up big, burly wrestlers just by shaking their hands or gripping their forearms. It must be something I get from my dad in the sense I've always matched up opponents in my head wondering ... who's tougher?

I was flipping through the Sun and the first combatants to catch my eye were Stephen Harper, Paul Martin and, of course, Jack Layton.

I've never met any of them but I'm visualizing, especially after last week's debates, Martin with his red and white trunks hiked up to his sternum dancing around Harper with one hand extended and the other hidden out of view closed around a pair of brass knuckles.

You see, it's not all about their policies -- for me the big question is, who's tougher?

If I was going to orchestrate it like the finish of a wrestling match, I think it might get an interesting reaction if a fired up Layton -- along with a posse -- suddenly came charging out of the dressing room to gang up on Martin and spike piledrive him in the middle of the ring. Meanwhile, Harper spraypaints nWo on his chest just above his tights!

But there's a twist. Just as Layton and Harper are in the midst of high-fiving, Joe Clark would roll out from underneath the ring and throw two perfect standing drop kicks, knocking them both out of the ring. Joe would nip up and beg them, with tears in his eyes, to come back in and take him on.

I don't know why but I think a really interesting matchup would be a 'catch-as-catch-can' wrestling bout between Silver Dollar Casino kingpin Frank Sisson and none other than Premier Ralph Klein.

I picture Ralph coming out dressed like The Stomper in black cowboy boots, trunks and a leather vest, with a menacing black cowboy hat pulled down over his brow. A real stalemate.

And I couldn't venture a guess as to who would win.

Or ... how about Dave (Bronco) Bronconnier being dragged around the ring by his shredded clothes while taking on Darryl Sutter in a tuxedo match?

Other interesting matchups I fancy in my imagination would be with some of the media. Who wouldn't wanna see Eric Francis and Calgary's babyfaced Gerry Forbes battle it out in a 'you make me sick' match? I have this vision of Forbes kneeling over Francis, cramming pieces of pizza down his throat -- and Francis tapping out.

Then there's the female gladiators. Who wouldn't wanna see Barb Higgins in an evening-gown match with Tara McCool? That one might actually be worth watching.

Or how about a mixed match between Jann Arden and the Dinger, Rick Bell? Can you imagine if Jann borrowed some of her best moves from The Honky Tonk Man?

Instead of beating the Dinger with her guitar, she'd use a piano -- but true to his gimmick, Dinger would kick out and throw his typewriter at her.

I guess I could go on forever forming matchups in my head. Sometimes, it's better than real ones because, in the famous words of the great Muhammed Ali, there's better things to do than beat up people ... but it doesn't hurt to dream.

Have a great weekend -- and don't forget to vote.