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   October 24, 2014



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Total Divas: Wedded bliss, a kinky tryst, and an exploding cyst
By BOB KAPUR - SLAM! Wrestling


On tonight's episode of Total Divas, family issues troubled Naomi and Jimmy Uso on the eve of their wedding, and Eva Marie, who had to go through a painful life-changing event of her own. But as painful as those things were, they couldn't hold a candle to the pain of having to hear a sex therapist give kinky advice to Nattie and TJ - in fact, a candle is the only thing she didn't suggest. Want to know more? Read on!

The show starts off with Nattie and Trinity meeting up at some bar, and they discuss how Naomi and Jimmy Uso are still not married.

Meanwhile, Eva Marie is feeling sick, so her husband Johnathan takes her to the doctor. Her stomach is bloated, so she's scared that it could be an abdominal rupture. My guess? It's just gas.

Over brunch, the girls meet up and make fun of Natttie for not being as slutty sexually experimentative as they are. Nattie says she would rather be conservative than a Bella, or something like that. The words "dog semen" are mentioned - by Daniel Bryan no less - and I'm ready to turn this show off for good.

In bed, Jimmy Uso and Naomi are planning a quickie wedding. Jimmy doesn't want to invite his dad, Rikishi, as they haven't spoken for some time, but agrees to invite him because, well, this show.

Cut to Eva Marie, who is at the doctor's office, and she is talking about the colour of her urine. Between the rapid-fire jump cuts from scene to scene in this episode, and the deliberate attempts at gratuitous dirty and gross talk, and I wonder if Vince Russo has somehow got a writing gig on this show. Eva Marie's diagnosis is a fluid leakage as a result of an exploded ovarian cyst, which is what I would name my band if I was ever in one.

It's Old School Raw and Trinity is worried that Jimmy won't invite Rikishi because he's afraid his dad won't approve of the marriage because she's not Samoan. Cut to the match between 3MB against Rikishi and 2 Cool. After his match, he can tell something is up with Jimmy, but Jimmy is too scared to mention his intention to marry Naomi. He finally does, and Rikishi says he only wants them to be happy.

Later, Eva Marie has a follow-up examination, and we learn more about her uterus than any of us want to know.

Sometime later, the girls are working out and are telling Nattie she needs to be more slutty, and Ariane recommends Nattie talk to her sex therapist. Ariane actually calls the therapist and forces Nattie to set up an appointment. Meanwhile, TJ is trying to find his testicles, because it's implied by all these discussions that he knows exactly nothing about how to please a woman. Maybe he has an exploded ovarian cyst as well.

Eva Marie gets some bad news from the doctor, namely that she might not be able to have kids in the future. This disappoints Johnathan, her husband, but he says they can worry about that later on. Because the show is only half done and they need more drama, he suggest she tell her mother who she hasn't spoken with since she told her family she was marrying Johnathan.

Cut to Hawaii where Naomi and Jimmy are ready for their nuptials. But they haven't heard from Rikishi, so aren't sure if he's going to come to the wedding after all.

Johnathan pressures Eva Marie to call her mom, and actually has to initiate the conversation on Eva Marie's behalf. Her mom is kind of a beeyotch at first, but softens up when Eva Marie eloquently explains what's going on. Yes, the "eloquent" comment was sarcastic - just read this transcript and see if you agree: "They found out, like, my uterus is, like, mis-shaped, or, like, not normal, as like every other woman's. So when I go to have, like, children or whatever, it could be, like, not possible." Her mother says that she'll be there to help her get through this.

The sex therapist comes to Nattie and TJ's place. TJ is confused about the need for a therapist, especially when her first suggestion is for he and Nattie to incorporate food into their love-making. Seriously, I'm checking the credits to see Vince Russo's name in there. The therapist then suggests some other games, including having sex with the neighbours' kids and pets watching, or something to that effect. After TJ starts discussing his feelings and his romantic memories about Nattie, the therapist says that they don't need anything more. Geez, this show.

It's the night before Naomi's and Jimmy's wedding, and the families are all breaking bread together, except for no-show Rikishi. Naomi confronts Jimmy about why his dad isn't there, and Jimmy lets her know that Big Kish isn't coming, because he has a last-minute booking. Jey Uso says it doesn't matter, and gives the couple a pep talk.

Backstage, Nattie tells Ariane and the Bellas about the therapy session, and divulges that her and TJ did spice things up a bit, but won't go into detail. Luckily, the cameras are there to show their kinky role-playing session that saw Nattie dressed up in a schoolgirl outfit, while TJ played an intruder that broke in and (not shown on camera) had relations with said schoolgirl. Nattie smiled throughout her match the next night, so presumably TJ did a great job, so yay.

The wedding is on. Naomi's father is there, and he has enough good feelings about it that who needs Rikishi anyway? The ceremony goes down without a hitch, so yay.

Eva Marie is still sick, and her parents come to check in on her. Her parents seem to warm up a bit towards Johnathan, since they see how much he's been taking care of Eva Marie. Her dad even gives him a hug, so yay.

Bob Kapur has never been to Hawaii. E-mail him your travel tips at bobkapur@hotmail.com.