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   July 24, 2014



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COMMENT





Total Divas: Naomi's Clothes, Nattie's Nose, Nikki's Woes
By BOB KAPUR - SLAM! Wrestling


The Divas are out for brunch, and Nikki shows off her new shoes that John Cena bought her. Brie is then explaining the present that Bryan Danielson gave her - a stone - when they notice that Nattie's nose is bleeding. She believes that the slap that Summer Rae gave her the other week has caused some damage. She tells the rest of the girls about the slapping incident, and wants to get on with brunch, but the rest of the girls are too grossed out by the blood to eat.

Backstage at a show, the Bellas are eating, when Eva Marie comes up to them. Nikki announces that she passed her real estate exams and is now a licensed agent. Her goal is to sell enough houses to be able to buy Cena a car by the time he turns 40.

Nattie meets with a WWE executive who tells her that she will be competing for the Divas Championship at the TLC PPV. Part of the reason she's getting the spot is because she never gets hurt - wonder if that nose thing is going to come into play here?

In San Diego, Nikki is showing a house, when she gets a call from Cena. She's nervous about the showing, and Cena gives her a pep talk - because she loves the house so much, he knows she'll be able to talk it up to potential buyers. A couple come by and she tours them through the house.

Naomi is going through the choreography for her music video shoot with the dancers. When she thinks about it too much, she can't get the moves down.

Cena is visiting Nikki, and he's surprised that she uses a chemical lip plumper. As she's blathering on about her family, he gets a phone call and walks away from her, ticking her off. Wonder if that means he's going to buy her that house before the end of the show.

Naomi is at Sandra the Seamstress' house where Sandra is working on her outfit for the video the next day. She's upset that the catsuit she wants to wear only has sequins on the front. Sandra tries to talk some sense into her, but Naomi says she'll bling out the dress herself before the shoot. Meanwhile, Jon (Jimmy Uso) just shakes his head. Sandra scolds her like a mother working with a petulant child, and Naomi leaves in a huff. Honestly, Sandra should really be the star of this show - it should just show her dealing with these crazy ladies, and focus on her reactions to same.

Nikki comes back home and shows Cena her new outfits that she bought to show homes in - professional oufits that cover up her side boob. He's distracted on his computer, so she tries to turn him on with a booby shirt, but he's too busy to notice.

Naomi and Jon, with some of Naomi's relatives are at her place, trying to bedazzle her catsuit with rhinestones. Or, more accurately, she does it while Jon and her uncles watch.

Nattie goes to her doctor to get her nose X-rayed. He diagnoses a septum problem, and says she needs to have invasive surgery. Nattie starts crying, since the doc tells her it will be at least a six month recovery. She says she'll think about it, as she doesn't want to miss TLC. She says that he can send the bill to Summer Rae, at which point he has the line of the night: "Who's Summer Rae?". He can be Sandra's love interest in the show I produce.

Naomi's at her video shoot, and she's too tired from having been awake all night. As she goes to get ready, Sandra shows up. Unexpectedly, she's impressed to see that Naomi's work paid off - the outfit is completely rhinestoned, and it looks great. Unfortunately, it splits right at the buttocks when Naomi starts to twerk. Even Sandra, with all her skills, can't fix it. So Naomi has to put on a new wardrobe and try again. This time, it looks like her hair extensions fly out during her dance. The director is concerned, because they're losing a lot of time with the wardrobe malfunctions. Then, to make matters worse, here come the po-po, and it looks like they don't have the right permits to shoot the video on location. Nope, false alarm, they do. But all the drama still has Naomi down, and it takes a pep talk from Jon to get her mojo back until she's ready to shoot.

The Divas and Superstars are doing a photoshoot for the No H8 campaign. Nikki mentiones to Eva Marie and Naomi about John's weird phone behaviour, and Eva Marie suggests that his secretiveness could be a sign that he's cheating on her.

Nattie is upset because she's working Summer Rae that night. Nattie asks her to stay away from her face and to not be reckless. Of course, that doesn't happen, and Summer Rae kicks Nattie in the face repeatedly during the match. After the match, Nattie starts bawling because there's still 25 minutes to go in this episode. Nattie asks the girls not to say anything, lest she loses her TLC match, but they say it's going to be hard to hide a crooked nose from the executives.

Nikki goes home, and Cena brushes her off, immediately leaving to go to the gym. Nikki calls Brie and floats the idea of going to the gym to spy on Cena. Nikki is paranoidishly worrying about her relationship, but there is still time for them both to demonstrate their stupidity by not knowing how to spell bon-bon, and have some other inane conversation. They get to the gym and don't see his car, so Nikki calls him, and he lies about his whereabouts. Nikki cries, and the only exercise she gets at the gym is jumping to conclusions. She tells Brie that she's going to kick Cena out of her house.

Back at her place later on, and Nikki confronts him. He shows the patience of a saint by not answering truthfully her question, "Do you think I'm stupid?". She accuses him of seeing someone else, and he dismisses it outright. He throws back in her face the lack of trust and faith that she always talks about, and unfortunately can't hear me yell at the TV to get out before this nutcase ends up boiling his pet rabbit. She pitches a fit and leaves in a huff.

Nattie and TJ are driving around, and he tells her to get her nose fixed. If she waits, he says things could get worse. She doesn't want to take time off and risk losing her spot, and uses about a dozen cliche's in one talking head segment about this decision.

Nikki is preparing for another showing of the dream house and gets mad when Cena shows up unexpectedly. He confesses that he wasn't at the gym, and tells Nikki that he went to see another woman. It was an escrow agent, and she sold him this house because he knew Nikki loved it. He tells Nikki he's going to move to California to live with her. Whereas he should be heading for ze hills. God, this show.

At a show, Brodus Clay asks to hear Naomi's song, and he loves it, as do the other Divas. Clay wants a copy of the song so he can send it out to his contacts in the music business.

At TLC, Nattie is freaking out about her nose, and starts crying again while talking to TJ before her match. But, she ends up going out there to compete. Though she lost the battle, she won the war - or some other cliche of the dozen more that she used to end the show.



Bob Kapur prefers his catsuits without rhinestones. E-mail some more fashion tips at bobkapur@hotmail.com.