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   October 02, 2014



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COMMENT





Total Divas: The trouble with men... or at least parts of them
By BOB KAPUR - SLAM! Wrestling


After John Cena asked her to sign the co-habitation agreement, Nikki drives off. She calls Brie and lets her know what's going on. They're offended that Nikki is referred to as a "guest" in the agreement. and that the terms include her leaving the house at his request. They speculate that maybe John isn't as serious about Nikki as they thought.

Ariane wants to go to sleep, but that dumb oaf Vincent tries to get intimate with her. She doesn't want to, though, because her endometriosis makes it painful to have relations, and because - and I hate myself for writing this, and I hate this show even more for making me write this - Vincent has a "huge winkie", according to Ariane.

Nikki checks into a hotel to avoid going back to Cena's house for the night. She calls her mom and lets her know about Cena's request. Mama Bella is reasonable and sees that Cena's past relationship problems have led him to wanting to protect himself.

Daniel Bryan and Brie pull up to an arena, and she seems miffed that he left her to go sign autographs for the fans that are there cheering for him. Meanwhile, a couple of the Divas try to get Nattie to twerk for no reason.

While Trinity preps for her match, Ariane twerks in front of her, and Trinity says that she should be doing that for Vincent. Ariane starts getting too descriptive about the technique that her and Vincent needs to use - let's just say, it's a "good tip" for anyone who is experiencing the same problem. Trinity says that if her boyfriend Jon (Jimmy Uso) doesn't get it regularly, he gets angry. More innuendo ensues.

Eva Marie is training at the developmental centre, and she asks TJ for help. He teaches her some submissions, and coincidentally, Nattie walks in. She's not pleased with seeing her man locking legs with the rookie, because she sees this as being an intimate moment somehow. Norman Smiley is there, but Nattie's more afraid about TJ and Eva Marie doing the Big Wiggle.

Ariane goes to her gynecologist to figure out why it hurts her to have relations. She also reveals to the doctor that will be checking down there that she was not part of the old ECW gang of Da Baldies. It's like in this second season, the girls were all asked to spice up the language and try to be more sexy. Oddly, the show has suffered, because it seems so forced. After various references to Ariane's various parts and service down there, the doctor gives her some good news - it doesn't look like she has endo. Ariane thinks maybe sex therapy may help diagnose her intimacy pains.

It's a new day, and Nattie is still upset with TJ, especially when he says he wants to go back to the Performance Centre to roll around with Eva Marie instead of go to the gym with Nattie. She gets all passive-aggressive about it, and leaves to do her own thing.

Brie is running around the park with her dog, when Bryan gives her a call. He brushes her off to go do various interviews and media appearances.

Nattie drives over to the Performance Centre when Eva Marie has TJ in a bosomy headlock. Nattie decides to play tit-for-tat, and asks Fandango to be her workout partner for the day. TJ finally notices Nattie and a shirtless Fandango, and he gets ticked. The accusations fly and Eva and Fandango are getting hit by the shrapnel. TJ leaves in a huff. Interestingly, with this segment, Fandango got more screen time this season than JoJo - who's actually on the cast!

Eva Marie confronts Nattie about what just happened, and Nattie unloads on her, accusing Eva of wanting to steal TJ away. Eva, who's engaged, denies it, and tries to calm Nattie down to no avail.

Ariane and Vincent head to the sex therapist's office. Ariane is basically asexual, and the doctor seems to be getting angry with that attitude. The doctor recommends Ariane loosen up and start exploring some kinks.

The Bellas are hanging out, and Brie is shocked that Nikki hasn't confronted John yet about her unease about the cohabitation agreement. Nikkie says she'll call him, even though she doesn't yet know what she's going to tell him.

Nattie and TJ are at home and they start sniping at each other about what happened at the Performance Centre. Nattie says she was jealous because she's insecure about her own appearance, but TJ talks some sense into her. He says that he just wants to help out Eva Marie as a professional courtesy, and in fact that Eva Marie told him that she wants to learn so that one day she can be as good as Nattie, who Eva Marie admires. Nattie realizes she was being stupid, and they make up.

Brie and Bryan are finally alone together to have lunch, but Bryan keeps interrupting the conversation to take calls from the office. At one point, he actually walks out on her, but even when he's at the table with her, he's not entirely there. On the drive home, she says she feels unappreciated and neglected because he's putting his career ahead of her.

Vincent comes home to show Ariane his latest purchases - a bunch of sex toys. She enthusiastically tries some of them out, and it seems like the sex therapy is working - based on the "Yes" chants coming from behind the bedroom door. Seriously, this must be November sweeps.

Brie gets mad at Nikki for texting while they're talking, projecting her frustration with Bryan onto her sister. She somehow, with a straight face, compares Bryan's title reign with her own Divas title reign. If she really thinks they are the same, Bryan should get out of that relationship in a hurry, because she's too clueless to be with. Nikki gives her some real talk, and tells her to live with the situation - Nikki knows what it's like when her man's professional success interferes with life, but Brie needs to be more understanding about it. This sequence must have been filmed in Canada, because only in "Bizarro-land" does Nikki come off on this show as someone who doesn't come across as completely selfish and unreasonable.

Cena calls Nikki and asks her to meet so they can talk in person.

Bryan gets home where Brie is waiting for him. She apologizes for making him feel bad for not spending time with her. He apologizes for not putting aside more time for her. First world problems.

At dinner, Cena tells Nikki that he has to protect himself if she changes and for whatever reason they break up at some point in the future. She says that it was selfish of him to wait until she had already started the moving-in process to tell her about it, and he realizes that she's right. Again, when did she become the voice of reason on this show? But he says that because he's supporting his mother and his brother's family, he can't afford to lose anything because of a relationship. Nikki wasn't aware that he was doing so much for his family, but seeing this, she sees things from his point of view, and the happy couple start to make out to end the show.

Bob Kapur never wants to have to write about "Little Vincent" ever again. Don't e-mail him any winkie pictures at bobkapur@hotmail.com.