Total Divas: Rookie Eva Marie offends, Nikki Bella's patience ends, Ariane makes amends, and Nattie Neidhart needs Depends
BOB KAPUR - SLAM! Wrestling
The show starts off with the Divas having brunch. Eva Marie tells the girls that she's scheduled to do a Maxim signing. The rest of the girls congratulate her and feign excitement, but it's clear they're jealous of the rookie's skyrocketing fame. Eva Marie disses the Bellas for only having been on the Spanish edition of the magazine in the past, making the others seethe even more.
Heading to the arena, Ariane gets road rage at another driver to the chagrin of her passengers, Trinity and Jon Uso. She gets out and confronts the other driver, getting right into his face and throwing a drink into his open window. After scolding Ariane, Trinity takes over driving duties from then on. Trinity has a laugh-out-loud line, modifying Ariane's catchphrase to say, "Girl, bi-polar."
Nikki explained that she is off her crutches, but still not cleared for in-ring action, a fact that she's still not happy about. Eva Marie pokes the angry bear, citing some internet rumours that she would be teaming up with John Cena (Nikki's real-life boyfriend) on-screen in a feud against the Bellas.
Backstage at RAW, Nattie and Trinity have a match, during which an inadvertent shot to the gut makes Nattie pee a little, to her great embarassment.
Backstage, Nattie tells Trinity what happened, blows up at her, and demands to be left alone. As she showers in anger, the cameras zoom in on her soiled pants - thankfully, they blurred out the offending stains (for the most part). Backstage, the news about Nattie travels, thanks to Nikki rushing over to John to tell him. John then confesses to Nikki that he once pooped his pants during a match (heh - and he called JBL "poopy"). It was during a match in Saskatchewan when he had food poisoning, and he said that unlike in Nattie's case, it was clearly visible. The ever-supportive Nikki gets grossed out by the thought.
Nikki finally notices Cena's softball-sized elbow, and suggests that he go get it checked out. He doesn't want to, because he's afraid it will result in him not being able to participate at SummerSlam. But she nags him until he agrees to get it checked out before that show.
At the hotel, Mark and Jane, the WWE executives, go through the girls' duties at the PPV. Brie and Nattie are told they will be getting a singles match, with Eva Marie and Brie in Nikki's corner and the Funkadactyls in Nattie's. They also tell Nattie that she'll be the host of the red carpet ceremony. She's not happy about it, because she doesn't get the chance to strut her stuff on the red carpet. They tell her it will be a good opportunity, and she agrees. It would have been funnier if they said to her, "you're-in front of the camera" or that she was their "number one" pick for the role, but they didn't.
Meanwhile, Nikki her own first world problems, fretting over how she and John will pose together on their first red carpet event.
During a break from the red carpet action, Alicia Fox tells Nattie that it's okay to pee your pants sometimes. Nattie is angry that the word about her has spread, and it doesn't help that Alicia laughs when Nattie says that she's pissed off by what happened. She blames her leaky faucet on Trinity's bad in-ring working ability. Cena gets a text in the middle of the event, and takes off, leaving Nikki high and dry (unlike Nattie's pants).
Vincent, Ariane's boyfriend, is there and Ariane is worried that he'll behave like the ass that he is. She yells at him repeatedly, and seems embarassed by everything he does. She actually shoves him at one point, walking away from him angrily. Trinity sees all of this, and confronts Ariane on Vinnie's behalf. Trinity tells Ariane to see things from Vincent's perspective, and suggests that Ariane has some deep-seated issues that cause her to be crazy sometimes.
The next day, Brie and Nikki speculate about why Cena left the red carpet party the way he did. Nikki is worried she may have done something, but Brie says it must be something else. Brie's dog has trouble peeing, so they ask Nattie to give it a few pointers. Well, that last part's not true. They actually put it into a flower bed on the sidewalk and take pictures of it doing its business. I think that actually might be a crime in some countries.
The girls are at the Fan Axxess event before the PPV. Eva Marie's head expands over the course of her signing, thinking that she is the most popular Diva there. Meanwhile, Trinity embarasses Nattie some more by insinuating to fans that Nattie peed her pants during their match.
While in L.A., the Bellas head to a movie studio to do their lines for the upcoming WWE Flintstones movie. During a break from grunting her lines, Nikki obviously confuses her boyfriend with Brie's, because she says something about Daniel Bryan being a sharter. Then Brie tells her that Eva Marie asked her about teaming together while Nikki is on the shelf. Nikki blames Eva Marie's evil tendencies on her red hair, and says that when she gets the chance to compete with Eva Marie in the ring, things will "get real".
Ariane goes home to visit her mom to get some advice about her anger management issues. Or is it blame her mom? She brings up her childhood and says it was hard growing up in that house because her mom and stepdad used to fight all the time. As a result, Ariane grew up resenting men and being silently angry. They cry together, and hug it out.
At the hotel, Nattie is nervous about her SS match, but TJ says she shouldn't worry, it's a chance for her to make a big splash at the company's second biggest PPV. Well, actually, he says for her to put away her nerves, forget about what happened last time, and focus on having a great match at the PPV.
To make amends for her explosion at the party, Ariane invites Vinnie over for a rooftop champagne party. She apologizes for her over-reacting, and Vinnie accepts. He accepts, and they chug it out.
Brie and Daniel Bryan are in bed with their dog. They remark on how they both have matches at the PPV, including his title match against John Cena. It's like they get a bonus every time they refer to the show as being the "second biggest pay-per-view of the year." Seriously, it's like the fifth time that's been said on this show.
Backstage at the show, Nikki confronts John for leaving her on the red carpet. He apologizes for leaving her there. And explains that the text he got was from the doctor, telling him that his elbow giganticism was caused by a tricep tear, and that he was told he'd be out for six months. He was hiding it from her so she wouldn't worry about him.
JoJo gets her first lines of the episode, as they show her singing a couple of lines from the U.S. national anthem to kick off the show.
Clips are shown from the Brie-Nattie match, but Eva Marie thinks it's all about her, pointing out a sign for her in the crowd. The experience of the match, which Nattie calls one of the best of her career, makes her wonder why she was so worried about it in the first place.
Afterwards, Eva Marie comes over to gloat about her signs. Nikki gets mad, and brusquely dismisses her. But Brie tells Nikki to chill out about Eva Marie, saying the rookie is trying to play head games, but if that's the way she's going to try to build her career, she won't be around long enough for Nikki to be bothered.
The twins then watch the Bryan-Cena match on the backstage monitors, with Nikki cringing and cussing out Bryan every time he hits Cena's elbow - and strangely focusing on a powerbomb where Bryan's crotch was in Cena's face.
After the match, Nikki is concerned by the look on Cena's face when he comes to the back, worried that her boyfriend's career may be over.
Bob Kapur should have his own reality show. E-mail him your ideas at email@example.com.