September 9, 2013
Raw: Edge returns, while Triple H continues to abuse power
By MATT MACKINDER- SLAM! Wrestling
Monday Night Raw tonight is live from Toronto and native son Edge is in the house!
And for those wondering (probably none of you), I’m pinch-hitting tonight for Nick Tylwalk, who is busy packing away his Philadelphia Phillies’ gear for the impending winter.
The show opens with Edge making his way to the ring for The Cutting Edge as Michael Cole welcomes viewers to Raw. Who will be Edge’s guest? It would make too much sense for it to be Christian or Randy Orton, so Edge brings out Daniel Bryan.
Yadda, yadda, yadda ensues and then Orton, followed by Triple H make their way to the ring and boy oh boy, these fans are not hip to HHH. I’ll save you the dialogue, as most of you remember foolishness like this in the third grade, but to sum it up, Triple H books Bryan against Dean Ambrose and as Ambrose will have Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns in his corner, Bryan gets the Big Show in his.
Triple H says while he can’t hurt Edge, he’ll hurt his loved ones. Cue the Shield dragging Christian to the ramp before Edge chases them off and he calls for help for his downed comrade.
Back from a commercial break and we’re now backstage (when does the actual wrestling start?). The Shield (pretty cool to see Tyler Black on WWE TV, by the way) is with Edge, HHH and Stephanie McMahon. Edge yammers on and on that he wishes he could wrestle so he could take on HHH. Sorry, thanks for playing. Edge walks out.
Match #1 – Kofi Kingston vs. WWE Intercontinental champion Curtis Axel w/ Paul Heyman (non-title match)
I forgot how short Raw matches are. Axel gets disqualified for drilling Kofi with repeated knees in the corner and not breaking on the ref’s count. Yawn.
Winner via DQ: Kofi Kingston
Heyman jumps into the ring to calm down Axel, who instead goes back to thrash Kofi, only to have Kofi nail Trouble In Paradise. Kofi plays to the crowd on the ramp and Heyman looks down at Little Mr. Perfect.
Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL hype Orton against Dustin Rhodes for later tonight. If Goldust wins, Cody Rhodes gets re-hired. A montage video of Goldust’s WWE career is shown – ah, memories.
Drama backstage as Heyman apparently slipped on some water in the hallway and Axel is out to find out who put the water there. Come on, really? This is what you people are forced to watch Monday night??? Give me a break. I would expect this on 1999 WCW TV, but that’s right, WWE just recycles and recycles. Again, yawn.
Big Show and Booker T are backstage (again, do we get matches on Monday night?) and Booker tells Show to be a professional. Wait, does Show go from face to heel like every other night? In the real world, that’s called bipolar disorder, people.
A promo for the CREEPY Wyatt Family is next. Yes, creepy!
Match #2 – Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt w/ Luke Harper and Erick Rowan
Wasn’t Dolph a World champ a while ago? Now he’s already in the ring? Back in the day, that meant said dude was a jobber, much like Mario Mancini, Terry Gibbs, Don Driggers, Tom Stone, Ricki Ataki and Major Yates. Yeah, I just said Major Yates.
Decent bout here, but Ziggler falls after Bray (or is it Husky Harris?) hits something called Sister Abigail (I guess a swinging reverse STO) for the three count.
Winner via pinfall: Bray Wyatt
Wow. Who did Dolph rub the wrong way in the back? An ex-World champ and one of the more entertaining guys WWE has and he loses to Husky Harris. Whatever is good for business, right?
After a commercial, Heyman and Axel come to the ring, Heyman with crutches. Geez, these segments are worthless. Heyman says he has a torn ACL and doctors back in the U.S. (or as Canadians say, “the States”) will help him. Raw general manager Brad Maddox and a Dr. Sampson come out to assess Heyman. Blah, blah, blah, then CM Punk comes out and beats the doctor with a Kendo stick.
Match #3 - Layla, Alicia Fox and Aksana vs. Natalya, Brie Bella and Naomi
AJ Lee joins the commentary for this one, which sees Natalya make Alicia tap to the good ol’ Sharpshooter. Hey, there’s a move (and name) I recognize!
Winners via submission: Natalya, Brie Bella and Naomi
More promos and oh man, another match! Hooray!
Match #4 – R-Truth vs. World Heavyweight champion Alberto Del Rio (non-title match)
The fans are not into this match, even chanting for the announcers and the Undertaker at one point. It’s a shame because Del Rio, like Ziggler, has talent and is a freaking World champion, but gets stuck in matches like these.
Del Rio gets the tap-out with the cross armbreaker.
Winner via submission: Alberto Del Rio
Back from a commercial and it's announced a Tag Team Turmoil Match to crown new No. 1 contenders for the WWE World tag belts will take place at Night of Champions this Sunday in Detroit with 3MB, Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro, The Usos, The Prime Time Players and Tensai and Brodus Clay. Wait, wait – Tensai and Brodus Clay are a tag team?
Match #5 - Santino Marella vs. Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger
So Cesaro is American now? What am I missing? Guess it doesn’t matter as Santino is Canadian and not actually from Italy, right?
Somehow, Joey Marella, er, Santino Marella, wins. I missed it. I tuned out.
Winner via pinfall: Santino Marella
And we go to another match. I’m liking this.
Match #6 – The Miz vs. Damien Sandow
Again, I missed how this one ended, but apparently someone from Dancing With The Stars came out (Fandango, I believe, with Summer Rae?) and distracted Miz and Sandow made the cover.
Winner via pinfall: Damien Sandow
Match #7 – Goldust vs. WWE World champion Randy Orton (non-title match)
Yes, Goldust still has it. He props up Orton in the corner and goes for Shattered Dreams, but Orton frees himself and slides to the floor as we slide to a commercial. The best part of this match is when JBL says more people remember Dusty Rhodes in polka dots than when he was “with Crockett.” Has Crockett ever been mentioned on live WWE television before? Mad props to JBL.
Orton mocks Bryan with a “yes” chant and then Goldust reverses an RKO into Cross Rhodes and gets a near-fall. Seconds later, Orton strikes with the RKO and gets the pin. Cody is still unemployed.
Winner via pinfall: Randy Orton
Orton takes the mic and stands over Goldust. He says Dustin’s dreams of saving Cody’s career are shattered, much like Bryan’s dreams of being WWE champ on Sunday.
Tito Santana is coming back! Woo-hoo! Oh wait, it’s Los Matadores. A new tag team? Or those Epico and Primo guys in yet another recycled gimmick? Sheesh. Maybe the “creative” team should be given a new name.
Goldust is walking in the back … crying? Stephanie confronts him and says he let his Cody and his soon-to-be bride down, his family down and calls him a loser. Yep, back to elementary school language. Stephanie tells Dustin to tell his dad “hi” from her.
Rob Van Dam’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez is out next to introduce RVD. OK, when did he ditch Del Rio? Ricardo is billed as RVD’s “numero uno amigo.” Cheesy, but I like it. Ha!
Match #8 – Rob Van Dam w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Ryback
Del Rio comes out to the top of the stage and says after Sunday, fans will be chanting “ADR” and not “RVD.” Oh yeah, Van Dam has a World Heavyweight shot Sunday in the Motor City.
Have always been an RVD fan and for him being north of 40, he’s just as agile as he was in his prime.
RVD goes up for the Five-Star Frog Splash, but Ryback goes to the floor. Van Dam leaps at Ryback from the top and eats barricade. Ryback then crotches RVD on the ring post and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner via DQ: Rob Van Dam
Ryback hits the Shell Shock in the ring. You know, that could be an explosive move if done right. Just watch old tape of Samoa Joe and his Muscle Buster. And anyone that says Sylvester Terkay’s was good needs psychiatric help.
Big Show is backstage walking and Stephanie and her nasal voice tells Show that he can’t lay a hand on the Shield or he’s fired. Show destroys a TV backstage and walks off.
Match #9 – Daniel Bryan w/ The Big Show vs. WWE U.S. champion Dean Ambrose w/ Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns (non-title match)
First off, name the two former Ring Of Honor champs in this match? Loved watching Bryan Danielson and Tyler Black just a few short years ago.
Midway through the match, the fans start a “This is awesome” chant and yes, they are correct. Bryan hits a top-rope back suplex for a near-fall. On the floor, Ambrose hits a DDT (on the padded mat, so he’s fine, youngsters) and then pushes Bryan in the ring for a two-count of his own. Ambrose yells at Bryan to stay down, only to reach down for Bryan and get small-packaged for the three.
Winner via pinfall: Daniel Bryan
Orton runs down and is met with Bryan diving through the ropes. The Shield attacks, but Show can do nothing. He picks up a chair and heads to the chaos, but stops. Orton tosses Bryan in the ring and hits an RKO. Show starts to walk back up the ramp, but Triple H and Stephanie show up and tell him to get in the ring and KO Bryan.
Show gets in the ring and Orton holds Bryan, but Show turns his back. Orton screams at Show to knock out Bryan, but turns into a running knee from Bryan, who celebrates with the WWE title as Show walks to the back.
All in all, these three hours were decent, I suppose, but I’m already looking forward to ROH next Sunday night. Just sayin.’
Matt Mackinder has been with SLAM! Wrestling since 2006 and was part of the all-star cast that covered WrestleMania 23 in Detroit and TNA Bound For Glory in 2006. Contact Matt at email@example.com