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   October 23, 2014



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Total Divas: Broken legs, broken relationships, and broken eardrums
By BOB KAPUR -- SLAM! Wrestling


The most recent episode of Total Divas was perhaps the most jam-packed one yet, with a heel turn by Eva Marie, a face turn by Ariane's boyfriend Vincent of all people, and major career developments for Nikki and JoJo (both with disastrous results). All that and a dog in pink nail polish! Want to know the details? Head to the recap!

In Tampa, Eva Marie was driving around when she got a call from Kristin, an Executive from WWE Entertainment Relations. Kristin told her that she was asked to do a photo spread for Maxim Magazine, which put her over the moon.

Before a show, the Bellas were shown signing and posing for fans waiting in line at the arena. They noted that since their return to WWE, they’ve been attending media events, charity events, and mingling with celebrities, and how their lives are so great.

At Arlene’s apartment, her doofus boyfriend Vincent whined that he wasn’t joining her at a red carpet event she was getting ready for. They started whining at each other, and this little Chihuahua watched on in shock – or maybe it was just its natural freakish big eyes… seriously, those dogs are freaky looking. Ariane is still mad at him for being a drunken idiot on last week’s show. He just continued to whine, and Ariane revealed that she was getting tired of his constant idiocy. She screamed at him to stop pestering her, and that scared the dog who ran for the border.

In Tampa, John Cena was going through a physical therapy session with his personal trainers. Nikki asked for some therapy, and soon the therapists had their hands all over her, pushing and pulling her limbs while Cena ogled her. She felt better and more flexible after the session, and they implied they would be having a freaky sex marathon later on. Cena and Nikki that is – presumably without the therapists.

In Grand Rapids, Michigan, Nattie, JoJo, Eva Marie and Ariane were having dinner. Eva Marie broke the news to them about the photo session. Nattie congratulated her, but her pursed lips suggested that she was really jealous. That was confirmed in a camera confessional, where she said it pained her to admit that Eva Marie had the “it” factor. Ariane and JoJo were secretly seething as well – Ariane because she feared that Eva Marie could soon become the central face of the Divas for the company, and JoJo because she felt she was falling way behind Eva Marie, career-wise, even though they started together.

Later, at Eva Marie and JoJo’s apartment, JoJo was practicing singing the national anthem. She told Eva Marie she would be suggesting to the executives that she bring singing into her character, and possibly kick off a Raw with the national anthem. She thought that would be a good way to skyrocket herself onto the main roster. Eva was silent, but told the camera that she had doubts about this strategy.

At another meal get-together, the veterans gave Eva Marie and JoJo slack for dressing too casually. They told the rookies that they need to glam it up, and that they should always dress to impress and dress for success. The Bellas hadn’t heard about the Maxim cover, but unlike the others, they didn’t visibly grimace at hearing the news.

Ariane told the girls that Vincent the doofus suggested to her that their parents meet. The girls all warned her that this meant a marriage proposal was imminent, but she said she wasn’t ready for that step. She admitted to them that she didn’t love him, and she wasn’t sure if he was the one.

They showed clips from the Divas match in Hartford where Nikki hurt her leg. She took a bad spill off the apron and landed on the floor, shin first. Backstage after the match, Brie told Nikki she should see a doctor, since Nikki’s shin was still hurting. Nikki went through the history of her bad shin, which she originally broke as a kid. She said her shin has never felt the same since. Nikki didn’t want to go to the doctor, but Brie threatened to tell John and the executives who would force her to go. Nikki was afraid that she could get pulled from TV if it was too bad, and didn’t want to be out of the spotlight again so soon after returning.

Eva Marie went to LA for her photo shoot, and was blown away by the star treatment she was getting, with makeup people and wardrobe people there. She looked great.

In Miami, Cena and Nikki were out for coffee and she told him about her shin. As Cena does on this show, he gave her sage Yoda-like advice.

Later, Ariane and Vincent took the freaky dog (its name was given as Glitty) for a manicure. Ariane paid more attention to the dog than Vincent who basically begged her to meet his dad. She brushed off the idea, but finally agreed out of guilt to meet his dad.

Back at the apartment, Eva Marie told JoJo about her photo shoot experience, and showed JoJo the photos. Eva Marie could tell JoJo was upset, and asked her why, but JoJo wouldn’t admit to being jealous. Here started Eva Marie’s heel turn, as she basically wrote off JoJo, saying that she didn’t care if JoJo was jealous, that she had to worry about her own career.

In Tampa, Jimmy Uso (Jon) put JoJo and Trinity through the paces in a workout. JoJo told Trinity about her idea of singing the national anthem at TV. Trinity liked the idea so much that she tried to basically steal it for herself – she offered to “help” JoJo by first suggesting a duet, and then suggesting that instead of the national anthem, they sing the Funkadactyls theme, and then suggesting that Ariane be included. Poor, naïve JoJo bought into this hook, line, and sinker.

Nikki went to get her bone scanned. Her amateur diagnosis of the diagnostic results was that she was injured and would be pulled from TV. She lashed out at Brie, who was equally worried, since if Nikki got pulled, she would likely suffer the same fate, since they are a combo package.

The next day, Nattie was telling Eva Marie about the pressures she was going through for planning a wedding. She compared her fights with TJ to Eva Marie’s current situation with JoJo – that spending so much time together was causing stress on their relationship. Nattie took Eva Marie’s side, but then inadvertently insulted her when she dissed Hooters girls.

Trinity and Ariane went in with JoJo to re-record their theme song at a studio that Trinity’s dad booked for them (apparently, he’s in the music industry). JoJo killed, but the Funkadactyls fell flat.

Ariane and Vincent and Glitty went to meet his dad, Andy. He started talking about their wedding, which Ariane wasn't too keen on hearing about. Andy then started talking about having grandkids, which had her feeling even more uneasy.

Back at their apartment, there was visible tension between Eva Marie and JoJo. Eva Marie said she didn’t care, because it’s a competitive business, and she was going to continue to do what she needs to do to get ahead, with or without JoJo’s support. WWE Executive Jane Geddes called JoJo and told her that she loved the tape of JoJo and the Funkadactyls, and that she would try to get the singing stuff on TV.

The next day, Vincent was getting grossed out when Ariane kissed Glitty on the mouth. He then promised her a surprise and took her to a ring store. Ariane was completely shocked by the gesture, and even moreso when Vincent awkwardly proposed. She silently walked away, taken aback by how quickly he was moving. He followed her out of the store to the sidewalk where she told him that she needed more time, to take a step back, and that she wanted to take a break. She broke down, and he became less douchey by agreeing to take a break so that she could have the time she needed to figure things out, and told her that he would wait for her.

Before a show, Dr. Sampson, the WWE doctor, took Nikki through the bone scan results, and told her that she had a significant stress fracture. He said that she would be off her feet with no physicality for three months. He left it to them to tell the WWE Executives.

Backstage, JoJo and the Funkadactyls were rehearsing their moves when Vince McMahon walked by and said how much he was looking forward to their performance. That was bad news for Trinity who was having a major coughing fit due to illness. The girls made their debut on Main Event. The performance was a train wreck, and had all the other Divas, and Jane, in shock as to how bad it was. Eva Marie completed her heel turn when she admitted to taking joy in watching JoJo fail, saying that’s what she got for not supporting Eva Marie.

After the show, the Funkadactyls tried to see the silver lining in their performance, but JoJo knew it was a disaster. Meanwhile, WWE Executive Mark told Nikki that there was doubt as to whether they could do anything with Nikki while she was on crutches. He sent her home, and said she could only return when she was cleared by the doctors. Nikki understandably was upset, thinking that her career could be over, and hobbled off in sadness.

Bob Kapur hates chihuahuas and loves Hooters girls. E-mail this renaissance man at bobkapur@hotmail.com.