August 19, 2013
Total Divas: A diva's big twin... and a diva's big twins
By BOB KAPUR -- SLAM! Wrestling
This week on Total Divas, Nattie wanted to feel like a woman, Ariane felt like she wasn’t womanly enough, and Nikki felt like she was too much woman. Is your head spinning yet? Well, maybe you could get sick in Jimmy Uso’s lap! Want to know more? Let’s head to the recap!
This episode featured more Nattie than ever before. Literally, as she showed off some ample cleavage when she was out lingerie shopping with Nikki Bella. While Nikki was looking at something sexy as a present for her man John Cena, Nattie was feeling like she should buy something to spice up her love life. She confided that since her fiancée, TJ Wilson (WWE superstar Tyson Kidd) had been injured, he had been focusing on getting better, as opposed to focusing on her needs. She initially selected something out of the Queen Victoria Secret catalogue, but Nikki persuaded her to get something skimpier, saying that Nattie was super horny so she needed something to turn TJ on.
In Tampa, Nattie went home and asked TJ out for dinner, but he was more interested in watching a PPV. She complained that he had not been paying attention to her lately, and tried to change that by modeling her new lingerie, but he went back to watching the show. Nattie worried that the spark might be gone.
At lunch, Nattie tried to talk wedding plans, but TJ was less enthused – especially when Nattie explained how she wants to have a “small” wedding with about 150 people there. TJ brushed off the subject, and Nattie got ticked off.
Later, TJ told Nattie he had a surprise for her, and they headed out in their car. Nattie was excited until she saw the destination – the courthouse, where he suggested they go in and get married. Nattie blew up at him, furious with his insensitivity, as it’s clear he didn’t hear anything she said about wanting to celebrate with family and friends. Nattie said that he didn’t give her any romance, that he treated her like a friend not a fiancée, and that he treated the cats more romantically. The last one may not be entirely right, but there was something about cats in there. She then walked off in a huff, telling him that she wasn’t sure she was even going to get married to him anymore.
Later, she went home again, and TJ surprised her with a romantic night, complete with wine, flowers, and rose petals strewn about the room. Nattie was blown away by the gesture, and the two talked. Nattie said that she’d lost sight of why she wanted to get married in the first place. They agreed to a low key wedding on the beach, and then kissed and made up.
Ariane and Trinity
The Funkadactyls were in the makeup area backstage, where Nikki was flaunting her new breasts. Brie made a comment about Ariane’s breasts – or, more specifically, her lack thereof, prompting Ariane to start thinking about getting implants herself. Later, when doing some promotional work, Ariane couldn’t help notice that all of the guys in line were captivated by Nikki’s boobs. She said that once she got her own big ones, her career would grow as well.
In L.A., Trinity and her boyfriend Jon (Jimmy Uso) were doing some promotional events, when Ariane and her teacup doggie picked them up to go to the plastic surgeon for breast augmentation consultation. Jon was not impressed when Ariane’s dog, who was sitting in the back with him, got carsick.
At the plastic surgeons, a breast augmentation patient gave Ariane, Trinity and Jon a good look – and feel – at the doctor’s work. The doctor showed Ariane a variety of options, including a starter set so she could try them out at home. The doctor told her that if she had the surgery, she would likely need a couple of months to recover. Trinity was not pleased to hear that, noting that this would likely put a damper on their career path.
Later on, Jon and Trinity were poolside, and Ariane came out, test-driving her sample implants in a bikini. Trinity admitted that Ariane looked good with the ample sample. The two were horseplaying around, and Ariane discovered that little silicon bags float in a pool.
Later on, Ariane’s doofus boyfriend Vincent was there visiting and she modeled the implant samples for him. He started sweating more than a Kurt Angle vs Big Show vs Brock Lesnar Triple Threat Iron Man match, and wiped his face off on her couch pillows proving only that he’s a complete d-bag.
Backstage, Ariane showed Sandra, the WWE seamstress her booby buddies, and requested a customized outfit that would secure the packages, so to speak. Sandra made fun of Ariane’s small breasts, and continued being a great supporting character on this show, dispensing some funny real talk advice.
Ariane showed off her new costume to the Bellas and the new Divas. Nikki felt that Ariane was considering upsizing only because she though it would make her more popular, but Nikki thought that the plan would fall flat.
Backstage at TV, Ariane noticed that one of the booby boosters was missing from her outfit. She got called in to the next segment of the show, but was reluctant to go out there looking all lopsided. Trinity told her to suck it up if she couldn’t find the implant.
Ariane decided to take matters into her own hands, and stuffed the one side of her bra with paper towels. As the Funkadactyls were out there, the Bellas admitted to John Cena that they were the ones that took Ariane’s implant. Cena said it was a mean prank, but the Bellas chalked it up to good clean fun. After the match, the Bellas admitted the prank to Ariane, who forgave them, but promised to get back at her at some point – tit for tat, if you will.
The girls discussed it in the locker room, and while Nikki suggested Ariane go under the knife and get the surgery, Ariane, said she would go with plan B - or, more appropriately, stick with her current A’s. The girls then played around with the silicon booby, trying it on for size.
Brie and Daniel Bryan were in a hotel room talking about going for breakfast. Brie said she would pass, since she was going to start a cleanse, in order to lose three pounds before an upcoming SummerSlam video shoot.
Meanwhile, over breakfast with JoJo and Eva Marie for breakfast, Nikki checked out her online profile and got upset about comments from internet haters about how fat she was.
Over dinner, Brie and Daniel Bryan piled on Nikki some more, chastising Nikki for her frequent enjoyment of desserts and alcohol. Way to be a S.T.A.R., you guys. Brie said that she was always eating healthy, while Nikki was just always eating. The difference in size was ruining their twin gimmick, so Brie challenged Nikki to give up alcohol and sweets for 20 days.
The first couple of days of the cleanse were miserable for Nikki, since she hated the taste of the healthy smoothies that Brie said she would have to drink five times a day.
Later on, Nikki got busted – not in the Ariane way. Rather, Brie, suspicious by Nikki’s new-found good attitude, found a half bottle of wine and a muffin wrapper that proved that Nikki had been cheating. She read Nikki the riot act, and told her that it’s no wonder people call Nikki fat, before leaving angrily.
On the day of the shoot, Nikki felt bad for cheating on the cleanse, but was also upset with Brie for making her feel bad. She told Brie that her constant berating wasn’t helping her, and that Brie should let her just be happy. Brie was unsympathetic and said that Nikki needed to understand that they were in the entertainment business, and that meant they needed to look like twins – in other words, Nikki had to slim down to look more like Brie.
The sisters talked some more later on in their dressing room where Nikki broke down. She told Brie that she can’t face constant criticism from her own sister, and she was feeling insecure because of it. Brie apologized and said that her criticism likely stems from her own insecurities about her body. The two reconciled, and they finished the shoot together.
The Professor and Mary Anne
JoJo and Eva Marie barely appeared on the show this week. They had breakfast with Nikki, and it was a discussion about their online profiles that led to Nikki seeing the online comments about her being fat. Later on, they were there when Ariane modeled her training implants.
Bob Kapur is like the Danny Devito twin in that movie. E-mail him your favourite Aaah-nold jokes at firstname.lastname@example.org.