August 11, 2013
Total Divas: Relationships (and bites) are a pain in the butt
By BOB KAPUR -- SLAM! Wrestling
Back when the XFL was tanking in the ratings, shock jock Howard Stern suggested that the show incorporate reality television. His idea was that they should have the players and cheerleaders living together, and the show could focus on relationships that would develop between them, and they could somehow tie those stories into that week’s games. Based on this week’s episode of Total Divas, it looks like someone was listening. Let’s get to the recap to find out what happened.
The Bella Twins
The show started off with a cold opening in which the Bella Twins talked about how stupid they both were. I think they were trying to show how close the twins are, even having a secret language between the two of them. But, I swear, Nikki said that because she played competitive soccer in school, she had no time to learn; and Brie said that their secret language messed up her ability to speak English. Translation: they’re both stupid.
Want proof? Brie has decided to move to Phoenix with her boyfriend Daniel Bryan, because she wants to be closer to her pet dog Josie, who Brie says she has to leave with her mom whenever she goes on the road. She’s nervous about telling Nikki about the move.
At a workout, during which Nikki implies that she and John Cena did some unnatural lovemaking the night before, Brie tells her about the move. Nikki was taken aback by the news, asking (actually, not a stupid question), why can’t Brie simply hire a dog sitter. Nikki blames Bryan for this, and wonders if she’s going to have to take on all of the promotional work for the two of them when Brie moves. In other words, “waaaah, poor me.”
Brie is too busy packing, so forgets about a meeting they have scheduled with the director and producer of a movie they’re working on. Nikki is ticked by this, and blames Bryan for not doing the packing so that Brie can be there for the meeting. The director and producer seem unimpressed by Brie’s lack of professionalism.
At another workout, Brie updates Nikki, telling her that she and Bryan have found a place to live in Phoenix. Nikki’s hostility about the situation shows through, as she hurts Brie’s hands during a sparring session.
In San Diego, Brie and Bryan are packing and Nikki comes to help. They talk about their wardrobe and there are gratuitous mentions of boobs and camel toe – honestly, it’s like they are trying so hard to not be TV-PG that the girls are told to be shocking just for the sake of shock. Anyway, Nikki is being catty, and when Brie calls her on it, Nikki brings up the aforementioned movie meeting. She says it’s pathetic for Brie to move for the sake of a dog. She says she hates Brie and Bryan, and leaves in a huff.
Nikki and John Cena are driving for dinner. Nikki tells him that she got mad at Brie and Bryan, and told them that she hates them. Cena calls her selfish, and tells her that Bryan is a good guy. He points out that she is lashing out because she is emotional because she’s going to miss her sister when she moves. Nikki realizes this is true.
Back in Tampa, Nikki goes to Brie’s place to apologize. Nikki tells her that Cena made her realize that she’s only mad because she’s going to miss her. The two reconcile.
In Tampa, Trinity and her boyfriend Jon (Jay Uso) are hanging around the house. Jon notices that she isn’t wearing her engagement ring. She says it’s so that she doesn’t lose it. Jon isn’t happy by this. He asks her to not take the ring off, and then bites her butt.
Later, Jon and Trinity go for dinner at a Mexican place. He asks her again why she took her ring off at work. Trinity says that the company wants to portray the Divas as being single – it’s just business. Jon isn’t pleased, especially when she only half-heartedly agrees to wear the ring all the time when they actually get married.
In Tampa, Jon and Trinity are training together. Trinity wants to go for a springboard somersault legdrop, but she’s afraid to land on Jon’s face. Bill DeMott chews her out for not being decisive enough, and Jon makes the parallel about their personal life. In the car, he presses her around when they can get married, but she says she’s too busy to plan a wedding just now. He’s frustrated by her indecisiveness.
At home, Jon wants to talk about their two-year engagement, and Trinity says she wants him to drop the subject. He wants to know what’s going on with them. She gets mad, saying that she doesn’t want to rush into marriage, and that if he can’t wait, then he should go be with someone else. He’s upset, and says that she’s choosing the job over him. In other words, “waaaah, poor me.”
At RAW, after some time of not speaking with Jon, Trinity is told that she will be in an 8-person tag match, with her team facing off against Jon’s. Trinity isn’t thrilled with the fact that she has to work against Jon, noting the timing couldn’t be worse, as they're actually fighting in real life. She’s told to suck it up.
Before and during the match, Trinity can’t hide her feelings, and her face shows her unease about having to face Jon in the ring, and she’s overly aggressive against the Bellas. Finally, Jon gets tagged in and they are in the ring alone. Their disagreement comes into play when she hits a flying headscissors on him, which he ostensibly didn’t know was coming. After the mtach, Trinity says that she didn’t feel better by doing it, and they still need to talk.
Backstage, Ariane asks Trinity what’s going on. Trinity fills her in on the whole Jon situation, saying that she loves Jon but doesn’t feel ready for the next step yet. When Ariane asks why, Trinity says she’s worried about what happens if her and Jon don’t make it, citing past relationship problems. Ariane tells her to talk to Jon about it. Trinity finds Jon backstage and apologizes. He suggests maybe they should take some time off, but she explains why she was nervous - because of her past relationships, she fears that theirs will also fail. He convinces her that he won’t ever cheat on her like her past boyfriend, and all is good.
During a training session, while Eva Marie is getting chewed out by Bill DeMott for sucking in the ring, JoJo gets hurt. She feels dizzy and nauseous after landing wrong during a body slam botch, and so the trainer takes her out of the practice.
While JoJo is recovering, her boyfriend Sebastian shows up to visit, and they go for a romantic walk on the beach. The next day, JoJo says she has to go back to practice – to at least watch, even though she can’t physically do anything – but Sebastian gets upset, telling her to skip it so they can spend the day together. He thinks that he can’t wait forever for her, while she pursues her career. In other words, “waaaah, poor me.”
The next day, JoJo tells Eva Marie that Sebastian has laid down an ultimatum: him or the job. Eva Marie thinks she’d be crazy to walk away from the job. Eva Marie says it’s super selfish for him to ask her to do that. JoJo isn’t sure what she’s going to do.
At the training facility, JoJo watches the practice, even though she can’t participate. She’s upset that she can’t be there. Nattie is there as a guest trainer, and she notices that JoJo’s mind doesn’t seem to be on the work. She asks what’s going on, and when JoJo tells her, Nattie says that JoJo’s relationship may not work out unless Sebastian can support her career choice. JoJo’s not sure what she’s going to do.
After seeing the Funkadactyls and Bellas perform at RAW, JoJo says she’s inspired by what she saw. As a result, she decides to not give up her career. She says that as good a guy as Sebastian is, she’s going to break up with him and follow her dream.
The Professor and Mary Ann
This section is reserved for the Divas who don’t get much TV time on a particular episode.
Nattie was there as part of the training session during which JoJo got hurt. And later, she gave JoJo advice about balancing her career with her relationship.
Ariane was away because she had tonsillitis and a bunch of womanly health issues, which she shared with the other Divas before RAW, earning a comment about giving “TMI”. She tried to get out of wrestling because she was sick, but like her partner, was told to suck it up. After the match, she told Trinity to talk with Jon about their relationship.
Eva Marie was a screw-up during the training session, to the point that Bill DeMott had to tell her not to dump people on their heads or that they may do the same to her. She was there when Sebastian showed up to visit JoJo (and if he didn’t look like a complete schlub, 10-to-1 that she would have tried to steal him). And she watched the match at Raw, pointing out how upset Trinity looked during the match against Jon.
Bob Kapur has never had womanly health issues. Give him your diagnosis at email@example.com.