May 16, 2013
Fantasy Match: Hulk Hogan vs. The Miz
By CANADIAN BULLDOG - For SLAM! Wrestling
Vince McMahon: Welcome, everyone, to Saturday Night's Main Event! What about this main event, Jess?
Michael Cole: Well, actually, Mr. McMahon I'm not Jesse Ventura, sir. It's Michael Cole, the voice of the WWE, and we're about to see one of the greatest match-ups in modern history.
Vince McMahon: - It should be UN-BE-LIEVABLE! Ah ha ha HA! The main event comes to you after this short break!
Michael Cole: We're back, and look who we have coming down to the ring! It's the most must-see champion in WWE history.. The Miz!
Vince McMahon: The Miz has his work cut out for him tonight. We're going to take you back to the locker room, where our broadcast colleague Mean Gene Okerlund is speaking with the one, the only.... HULLLLLLLLK HOGANNNNN!
Mean Gene Okerlund: Thank you, Vince. Hulkster, tonight you tangle with The Awesome One, The Miz. What about it?
Hulk Hogan: Well ya know, Mean Gene.... everyone thinks The Miz has what it takes to climb to the top of the mountain, brother. But that all is a bunch of ga-ga, brother. Last night, I scaled Mount Everest using the World Heavyweight Title to dig in to the rocks, brother, and all the Hulkamaniacs at my back, jack! Miz, you may have tried to make that climb, but there's no way you're going to ever reach that snow-covered peak, brother. And whatcha gonna do when the largest arms in the world run wild on youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?
Mean Gene Okerlund: Hulk Hogan, a true mountain of a man. Vince, Michael - back to you!
Vince McMahon: Here comes HULLLLLLLLK HOGANNNNNNNN to a deafening ovation. Twenty-two thousand Hulkamaniacs have erupted here!
Michael Cole: Hulkamania is definitely strong, Mr. McMahon - but it's nothing compared to the awesome power of The Miz.
Vince McMahon: We will find out which of these men is more awesome, when we return to Saturday Night's Main Event!
Vince McMahon: Welcome back to Saturday Night's Main Event. The Immortal Hulk Hogan is locking up with his opponent...
Michael Cole: "His opponent?" It's The Miz, one of the highest-rated WWE superstars of all time...
Vince McMahon: The Hulkster easily overpowering Miz in the test of strength. Ah ha ha HA! Sends him to the ropes, biiiiiiiiig back drop, and Hogan goes for the pin. One - two - three! Oh, no, only a two count.
Michael Cole: Miz is letting The Hulkster tire himself out before he brings out the big guns.
Vince McMahon: Speaking of big guns, Hogan is using HIS 24 inch pythons to press The Miz over his head..... and deposit him on the concrete floor below!
Michael Cole: Which superstar is going to emerge victorious here?
Vince McMahon: Back with more Saturday Night's Main Event, and the tide has turned here. The Miz gaining a temporary advantage with an armbar to the one and only HULLLLLLLK HOGANNNNNN!
Michael Cole: With all due respect, I beg to differ that this only a "temporary advantage". The Miz was a dominant WWE Champion, and went on to star in such classic films as The Marine 3. Surely he can dominant your favorite, The Hulkster.
Vince McMahon: I don't play favorites, and.... LOOK AT THAT! HULK HOGAN with a big chop! UN-BE-LIEVEABLE!!! Let's see if Miz can even up the odds, when we return with more Saturday Nigh's Main Event!
Vince McMahon: Back from more Saturday Night's Main Event, and right now, Hulk Hogan dominating The....
(CHIME RINGS ACROSS THE ARENA, AS LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND OFF)
Michael Cole: Can I have your attention please? I have just received an email from the Anonymous Raw General Manager. And I quote: "......" NOW! Get him, Miz!!!
Vince McMahon: Miz, attacking The Hulkster from behind! What a debacle! Officials are trying to restore order here!
Michael Cole: Will we see The Miz accomplish what no one thought possible?
Vince McMahon: Back with more Saturday Night's Main Event - and The Miz continues to dominate WWE Hall of Famer HULLLLLLLLK HOGANNNNNNNN!
Michael Cole: This is vintage Miz right here!
Vince McMahon: Miz, setting Hogan up for.... what's this?
Michael Cole: Skull-crushing finale! It's all over!
Vince McMahon: Miz goes for the cover! One-two- HULK HOGAN KICKS OUT WITH AUTHORITY!
Michael Cole: What will happen when Hulk Hogan recovers?
Michael Cole: It...
Vince McMahon: We'll be back with more Saturday Night's Main Event after this!
Vince McMahon: Back with more Saturday Night's Main Event, and the one and only HULLLLLLK HOGANNNNNN is in control! He's shaking his head, huffing and puffing, and drawing strength from twenty-five thousand Hulkamaniacs!
Michael Cole: I thought you said twenty-two thousand?
Vince McMahon: Miz trying to fire back at The Hulkster.... Hogan is blocking all of them! Sends Miz to the ropes for a big boot..... comes off the ropes with a legdrop!
Michael Cole: Do we have time for another ad break?
Vince McMahon: One-two-three! It's alllll over! HULLLLLLLLLLLLK HOGANNNNNNN is victorious!
Michael Cole: Hulk Hogan got lucky this time! The Miz will be back and better than ever, and certainly won't try to play a lame babyface gimmick where no one cheers for him.
Vince McMahon: Thank you for watching this match in The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament. We'll be back after this!
Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who he is!!!) has been writing for Wewantinsanity.com since 2006. His new eBook, Canadian Bulldog's Biggest Scoops, is available exclusively at Amazon.com.