May 11, 2013
Fantasy Match: Randy Savage vs Raven
By CANADIAN BULLDOG - For SLAM! Wrestling
Joey Styles: Welcome, wrestling fans, to round three of The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament! We’re live at The ECW Arena in Philadelphia with a highly-anticipated matchup coming up next. And who better to call the action with me than WWE Hall of Famer, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan!
Bobby Heenan: I assure you that the pleasure is all yours! I’m just here because this tournament needed a broadcast journalist like me, who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is.
Joey Styles: It’s time to kick things off here, as we have the tortured soul Raven coming to the ring. Brain, what does Raven have to be thinking here ahead one of the biggest matches in his career?
Bobby Heenan: Well, Raven may look like he gets his clothes from the Salvation Army, but he’s no slouch in the ring. Imagine the money I could have made off of him when I was a manager…
Joey Styles: I’ll bet you could, especially taking your typical 70 percent cut off the top… and here comes one of the most decorated champions in wrestling history, Macho Man Randy Savage, accompanied by his gorgeous manager Miss Elizabeth!
Bobby Heenan: Why don’t you focus on the match, you little pervert? You’re no better than the rest of these ham and eggers out here.
Joey Styles: This is an ECW rules match, and we’re going to see an interesting contrast in styles here from the outset. Savage is pacing back and forth in the ring like a caged animal, while Raven is sitting down slumped in the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Bobby Heenan: That’s why Raven is smarter than most of these humanoids. He’s going to let Macho Man Savage tire out and then he’ll go in for the kill.
Joey Styles: Macho Man Randy Savage isn’t tired, but he is going after Raven, as referee John Finnegan rings the bell to kick things off. Savage hammering Raven with a series of lefts and rights.
Bobby Heenan: Right now, Raven needs to head back to The Bowery and collect his thoughts.
Joey Styles: Savage punishes Raven with a running axehandle. Now he’s jumping over the top rope and clotheslining Raven’s neck in the process!
Bobby Heenan: It’s like I said all along, Randy Savage is your clear winner here.
Joey Styles: I don’t recall you saying that, but… what’s going on here?!?
Bobby Heenan: Ha ha! It looks Raven has brought some friends with him, Mooney!
Joey Styles: They’re the members of Raven’s Nest and… Wait, Mooney? You think I’m Sean (CENSORED) Mooney??
Bobby Heenan: My mistake.
Joey Styles: You’ve got Stevie Richards, The Blue Meanie, Brian Lee, Chastity and a whole host of others surrounding the ring. This does not bode well for the Macho Man.
Bobby Heenan: I knew Raven was gonna win this one!
Joey Styles: The members of Raven’s Nest are ganging up on Savage. It appears as though they’re getting something from under the ring, and… OH MY GOD!!!
Bobby Heenan: That looks like some sort of a… a… crucifix!
Joey Styles: Shades of The Sandman in 1996! Will anyone be able to stop Raven from crucifying the Macho Man? Wait a minute… Miss Elizabeth is in the ring, pleading with Raven to stop the insanity!
Bobby Heenan: Figures the Macho Man would hide behind a skirt.
Joey Styles: It looks as though Raven is considering Elizabeth’s pleas here and… What the hell? Chastity has jumped Miss Elizabeth from behind! CAAAAAAATFIGHHHHHHHT!
Bobby Heenan: I’m pretty sure they’re actually fighting over me, Pettengill.
Joey Styles: No one can separate these two lovely la… wait, Todd Pettengill? Seriously?
Bobby Heenan: My mistake.
Joey Styles: And while you were busy confusing me with random announcers, Raven has hit Savage with his patented Evenflow DDT on top of the crucifix!
Bobby Heenan: There’s no way Randy’s going to be able to come back from this, I guarantee it!
Joey Styles: Raven with the cover. One… two… SAVAGE KICKS OUT!!!
Bobby Heenan: I knew it!
Joey Styles: Savage is up, with a crazed look in his eye. Big bodyslam to Raven!
Bobby Heenan: That’s the set-up for Macho Man’s big elbow, Tony!
Joey Styles: Tony? Now I know why everyone hates you so much… Savage going to the top rope, where he’ll have to deal with the likes of Big Stevie Cool and Da Blue Guy on the apron.
Bobby Heenan: Savage is fighting all of them off. This guy is nuts!
Joey Styles: More reinforcements coming to the ring to back up Raven! I see Saturn, Sick Boy, Scotty Riggs – members of Raven’s Flock from WCW!
Bobby Heenan: This guy has more soldiers than I ever did in my stable… I mean, Family.
Joey Styles: Half a dozen of Raven’s lackeys are now ganging up on Macho Man Randy Savage. But wait – I hear the familiar strains of Metallica. That can only mean the entrance of one person!!!
Bobby Heenan: Mike McGuirk?
Joey Styles: No… The Sandman! The Sandman is fighting off Nest and Flock members with a Singapore cane while draining a six-pack of Budweiser! Only in ECW!
Bobby Heenan: Savage may think he’s in the clear, but Raven is standing behind him, clutching a steel chair. Turn around, dummy!
Joey Styles: But wait… Here comes another ECW original to even out the odds!
Bobby Heenan: The Big Bossman?
Joey Styles: No, it’s… Tommy! TOMMY DREAMER! Dreamer hits Raven with a DDT!
Bobby Heenan: Savage is going up to the top rope again.
Joey Styles: BIG ELBOW! 1-2-3! OH MY GOD!!! MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE HAS ADVANCED IN THE TOURNAMENT!
Bobby Heenan: Quiet, Tenay! Savage got lucky, but Raven will live to wrestle another day.
Joey Styles: Not in The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament, he won’t. For Bobby Heenan, I’m Joey Styles. Good night, everyone!!!
Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who he is!!!) has been writing for Wewantinsanity.com since 2006. His new eBook, Canadian Bulldog's Biggest Scoops, is available exclusively at Amazon.com.