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   October 20, 2014



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COMMENT





Fantasy Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Bob Backlund
By CANADIAN BULLDOG - For SLAM! Wrestling




Michael Cole: Welcome back to The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament! Michael Cole here, along with Jerry The King Lawler, and truly this is one of the second-round matchups I've been most looking forward to.

Jerry Lawler: Absolutely, Cole. You have two of wrestling's greatest champions, WWE Hall of Famers both.

Michael Cole: Although both competitors are a bit past their primes here in the year 2013, nonetheless I'm expecting a tremendous contest.

Jerry Lawler: Age is just a number with these guys, Cole. They could put on a five-star match in a nursing home.

Michael Cole: We asked members of the WWE Universe to Tout us who they think will win. But because no one uses Tout, it's time to kick things off!


Howard Finkel: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL. It is a match the second-round of The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament. Introducing first, coming to the ring, from Princeton, Minnesota, weighing in at 241 pounds… MISTER BOB BACKLUND!

Michael Cole: Talk about someone who has done it all, King. Bob Backlund is a Division II NCAA Champion, held the WWE Championship on two different occasions…

Jerry Lawler: The man even ran for President once, Cole!

Howard Finkel: And his opponent, from Victoria, Texas… weighing in at 252 pounds… STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!

Michael Cole: Stone Cold, on his way to the ring, a six-time WWE Champion, former King of the Ring, multiple-time WrestleMania headliner, and arguably the most popular superstar in the history of this business.

Jerry Lawler: He's also the toughest S.O.B. in the WWE. Woo hoo!

Michael Cole: In the ring, the two are sizing each other up. But it looks as though Backlund has something to say.

Bob Backlund (grabs microphone): Before we initiate this contest, Steven, I feel that is essential that we clarify certain misperceptions with respect to my disposition.

Steve Austin: Are you askin' me a question? Because I have no g**damn idea what the hell you just said, son.

Bob Backlund: It is ostensible to me that your foul proverbs are analogous to that of the plebeians that are not able to properly practice the English language!

Steve Austin: I ain't got a great grasp of English, but if ya like, I got here some sign language for ya!

Jerry Lawler: WOO-HOO! Stone Cold just flipped Backlund the bird!

Michael Cole: Vintage Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Bob Backlund: I remain apathetic by your dearth in extending even the most rudimentary of common courtesies, Steven! You are abysmal!

Steve Austin: WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Infantile!

Steve Austin: WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Contemptible!

Steve Austin: WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Disreputable!

Steve Austin: WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Incorrigible!

Steve Austin: WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Irredeemable!

Steve Austin: WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Something is erroneous within your hearing capabilities, Steven!

Steve Austin: My hearing is just fine, son, but just in case yours isn't, I hear 18,000 people callin' you an a**hole!

Michael Cole: Stone Cold Steve Austin getting the better of this exchange!

Jerry Lawler: Really, Cole? Ya think?

Steve Austin: Hell, Bob. I don't like how this is going down. No reason you and I can't have a good match, maybe a couple beers after we're done.

Bob Backlund: That sounds agreeable. I wouldn't mind imbibing in a small amount of lager following our contest, Steven.

Steve Austin: WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Beer. I'll drink beer with you.

Steve Austin: And you're sayin' I have problems with the English language?

Bob Backlund: I am eager to exonerate you from your past transgressions, Steven, but I want assurances that this will be a scientific match!

Steve Austin: A scientific match? That's what you want, son? WHAT? Collar and elbow tie-up? WHAT? A bunch of damn restholds? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

Bob Backlund: Affirmative. That would be my predilection.

Steve Austin: Then you must be the stupidest son of a b***h I've ever met! EH-EH! If you wanna see Stone Cold Steve Austin throw everythin' he has at Bob Backlund, gimme a "Oh hell, yeah!"

Crowd: OH HELL YEAH!

Michael Cole: Stone Cold… with a kick to the gut of Bob Backlund!

Jerry Lawler: STONE COLD STUNNER! WOO-HOO!

Michael Cole: It looks as though we're underway here, even though Mr. Backlund hasn't taken off his robe… one, two, three. Stone Cold wins in record time!

Jerry Lawler: That was even quicker than Backlund's loss to Diesel, almost 20 years ago now.

Howard Finkel: Here is your winner… STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!

Michael Cole: Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Texas Rattlesnake, has effortlessly vanquished his adversary here tonight in The Prodigious 1,024 Wrestler Competition.

Jerry Lawler: WHAT?

Michael Cole: For Jerry The King Lawler, I'm Michael Cole. Good night, everyone!

RELATED LINKS

  • Who do you think would win? Go vote in The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament

    SUBMITTING YOUR OWN FANTASY WRITE-UP
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    Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who he is!!!) has been writing for Wewantinsanity.com since 2006. His new eBook, Canadian Bulldog's Biggest Scoops, is available exclusively at Amazon.com.