April 3, 2013
Fantasy Match: AJ Styles vs The Iron Sheik
By CANADIAN BULLDOG - For SLAM! Wrestling
Gorilla Monsoon: Welcome to The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament! This place is literally filled to the rafters for our next action-packed matchup!
Taz: Damn straight, Gorilla. This oughta be a real rocketbusta! You got two former World Champions goin' at it, and it may be too close to call.
Gorilla Monsoon: Let's go to our broadcasting colleague Mean Gene Okerlund, who had the opportunity to speak with both participants!
Mean Gene Okerlund: All right! With me at this time, none other than The Phenomenal AJ Styles. What is your mindset going into the tournament this evening against the crafty and dangerous Iron Sheik?
AJ Styles: You know, Gene, I ain't got a lot to say about this tournament, but the headline tomorrow will read "AJ Styles victorious over Iron Sheik; Styles advances in tournament." If Sheikie thinks he can run wild on me, I reckon' he doesn't know what he's in for.
Mean Gene Okerlund: Thank you, AJ Styles. Not nearly as, um, verbose as your opponent, who spoke with me a bit earlier…
Iron Sheik: Lemme tell yeh, Gene Mean. Intell'gent wrestling fans all over the world know, Iron Sheik true Double-U Double-U Heff Champyen! I beat that Howdy Doody Bob Backlen in Mad'sen Square Gardens. Ten years I'm the world Olympic champion. Undefeated, bubba! Then Kennedy Mac-Men tells no-good bleached blond Jeh-broni American Hogayne to steal champ'yen.
Mean Gene Okerlund: Sheik! Please… what about your matchup with The Phenomenal AJ Styles?
Iron Sheik: I tell ya... 25 years, I know heem from Georgia I go, that no-good Jeh-broni does'n show respeck, man. I humbled the (expletive deleted) JJ Styles! Iran, Russia, number one. USA - hock, ptoo! Meester camera - zoom in dese abs.
Mean Gene Okerlund: So… that was earlier today. AJ, what about it?
AJ Styles: What about WHAT? I have no clue what's he talking about!
Mean Gene Okerlund: Gorilla, Taz - back to you!
Gorilla Monsoon: All right! We're getting underway here, with The Phenomenal AJ Styles coming down to the ring! Very impressive youngster.
Taz: Wait… youngster? AJ has to be in his mid-thirties right now!
Gorilla Monsoon: Using that same logic, I would have been dead for the past 13 years.
Taz: Touché, Monsoon. Touché!
Gorilla Monsoon: And here comes The Iron Shiek, looking in top physical condition. He's got those Persian Clubs with him. PLEASE! Those things have no business in the ring!
Taz: Sheiky is just showin' off his strength, Monsoon! This is gonna be off the hook!
Gorilla Monsoon: Sheik swinging around those clubs, but he really has to watch out for… OH! AJ Styles just clobbered him with a dropkick from behind!
Taz: Time to let the pigeons loose!!!
Gorilla Monsoon: This one is underway, and AJ is keeping The Sheik off his feet here.
Taz: AJ Styles is TNA's first-ever Grand Slam champion. It looks he still has a little coal left in the furnace!
Gorilla Monsoon: I'm not sure what that means… but now we see The Iron Sheik countering with a BIG gutwrench suplex! Really punishing the lower lumbar region there.
Taz: I'm not sure what *that* means. But The Sheik is definitely one dangerous cat. Check out that old-school abdominal stretch he's got on AJ Styles now.
Gorilla Monsoon: Sheik can put you away in so many ways. He's got some sort of submission hold that will wear down his external occipital protuberance.
Taz: I been meaning to ask you. Where is your externipal octoberibal - whatever you just said. Where is it?
Gorilla Monsoon: I believe it's near the groin. And… wait, what is HE doing here?
Taz: That's Nikolai Volkoff! This is unbelievable, Monsoon. Big, bad Nikolai out to offer some moral support to his long time tag partner!
Gorilla Monsoon: President Jack Tunney ought to ban that fountain of misinformation from ringside!
Taz: Wait…. fountain of what?
Gorilla Monsoon: WILL YOU BE SERIOUS?
Taz: I thought I was being fairly serious over here, Gorilla.
Gorilla Monsoon: Meanwhile, the tide has turned once again and AJ Styles is in control. Big dive off the ropes. I don't care how big and bad you are - when he hits that out, it's lights out.
Taz: I respectfully disagree with youse… because Nasty Nikolai is distracting the ref!
Gorilla Monsoon: The referee needs to break up this meeting of the mutual admiration society… But wait! Volkoff and The Sheik have accidentally collided! Double noggin-knocker!
Taz: Oh man! AJ needs to capitalize on this, big time!
Gorilla Monsoon: AJ is looking for the Shell Answer Man. He's digging down deep, drawing from the strength of the literally 25,000 strong here in the arena…. It looks like he's going for…
Taz: STYLES CLASH! AJ just nailed the Styles Clash, Gorilla!
Gorilla Monsoon: Excedrin headache # 35. The pinfall is academic at this point.
Taz: Don't tell Nikolai that. He's up on the apron again, sayin' somethin' about somethin' to the ref.
Gorilla Monsoon: GIVE ME A BREAK! Turn around, referee, do your job!
Taz: BAM! It's too late, Gorilla - Sheikie just nailed AJ with one of them Persian clubs behind the ref's back. Styles is out colder than Joey Numbers on a Sunday morning.
Gorilla Monsoon: Stick a fork in him - he's done! 1-2-3! This one's all over! Highway robbery is what that was!
Taz: I'll tell you what. Call it whatever you want, but it looks The Iron Sheik is headed to round three of the tournament, Monsoon!
Gorilla Monsoon: Total miscarriage of justice, but Sheik gets a notch in the win column. Let's go back to the event center!
Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who he is!!!) has been writing for Wewantinsanity.com since 2006. His new eBook, Canadian Bulldog's Biggest Scoops, is available exclusively at Amazon.com.