March 9, 2013
Fantasy Match: Trish Stratus vs. Ravishing Rick Rude
By CANADIAN BULLDOG - For SLAM! Wrestling
Fantasy booking has always existed for wrestling fans. But with our Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament, it is a unique chance to end up with some fascinating random matches, pitting a current star against a major name from the past. Today, guest writer The Canadian Bulldog imagines the unique match-up of Trish Stratus and Rick Rude ...
Jim Ross: Welcome, everyone, to a very special tournament match-up! I'm Good Ol' JR, alongside the iconic Jesse "The Body" Ventura. My broadcast colleague Jerry "The King" Lawler has been barred from the commentary booth, for fairly obvious reasons.
Jesse Ventura: This is a very special match, indeed, Ross! They're calling this one Battle Of The Sex Symbols; Diva of the Decade vs. Every Woman's Fantasy; Trish Stratus vs. Ravishing Rick Rude!!!
Jim Ross: This one won't be for the faint of heart, folks. Let's go to The Fink for the introductions.
Howard Finkel: The following match is scheduled for ONE fall! It is a SECOND-ROUND matchup in The Great 1,024 Wrestler TOURNAMENT!
Jesse Ventura: What's with Finkel using the all-caps, Ross?
Jim Ross: It's kind of his thing, Jess.
Howard Finkel: First, accompanied by his MANAGER, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, from Robbinsdale, Minnesota, weighing in at 251 POUNDS - Ravishing Rick Rude!
Rick Rude: Cut the music! What I'd like to have right now... is for all you fat, out-of-shape, Internet-reading sweathogs, to keep the noise down while I show you what a real man is supposed to look like! Hit the music!
Jim Ross: Aw, come on now...
Jesse Ventura: Quiet, Ross! Rick Rude is flexing his abs!
Howard Finkel: And his OPPONENT... from Toronto, Canada... Trish Stratus!
Jim Ross: Trish Stratus, looking lovelier than ever tonight!
Jesse Ventura: Big deal. Trish lacks the overall muscle definition of a Ravishing Rick Rude.
Jim Ross: Um, okay then. Whatever floats your boat, Jesse.
Jesse Ventura: Quiet, Ross! Ravishing Rick is taking the microphone again.
Rick Rude: You know what? I... can't do this.
Bobby Heenan: What are you talking about?!?
Rick Rude: Easy, look, I know I've been entered in this tournament and everything, but I just don't think I can lay a hand on the gorgeous Miss Stratus here.
Jim Ross: Could Ravishing Rick Rude be having a change of heart here?
Rick Rude: Trish, we're not going to accomplish anything if I bruise your pretty little face tonight. Let's call the match off... and go back to my hotel room!
Jesse Ventura: That sly dog! I just knew that Ravishing Rick had something else on his mind! Ahahahaha!
Trish Stratus: So... that's all you want? Just to go back to your hotel room? Get a little Stratusfaction?
Bobby Heenan: You heard the man, toots. Now let's get going before The Ravishing One changes his mind, sweetheart!
Trish Stratus: Rick, I have to say... you're in for a rude awakening!
Jim Ross: CHICK KICK! CHICK KICK! Trish Stratus has blindsided Rick Rude with a Chick Kick to the back!
Jesse Ventura: How is that legal, Ross? This should be an instant disqualification!
Jim Ross: The referee has rung the bell and we're underway here... or at least, we would be underway if Rude wasn't being consoled by Bobby Heenan in the corner. Awwww, anyone feeling sorry for him yet?
Jesse Ventura: Quiet, Ross! Rude is fully within his rights to conference with his manager. Especially after Trish Stratus showed such blatant disregard for the rules!
Jim Ross: It appears as though The Ravishing One is heading over to center ring now, and he's... challenging Trish to a test of strength?!?
Jesse Ventura: Brilliant strategy by The Ravishing One! He knows he can wear down Trish with his impressive pecs and triceps.
Jim Ross: If The King was here, I'm sure he'd have a comment or two to make about Trish's impressive pecs... but I refuse to sink to that level. Bah gawd, the two have locked knuckles are engaging in a test of strength!
Jesse Ventura: This should be interesting. How long before Trish starts crying that she wants to go back in the kitchen where she belongs? Ahahahahah!
Jim Ross: Predictably, Rick Rude is winning this particular test of strength, forcing Trish down to her knees... Oh, NOW I see why we had to sedate Lawler...
Jesse Ventura: Absolutely amazing, Ross! Trish is going to submit right here, during a simple Greco-Roman knucklelock!
Jim Ross: Trish Stratus, hanging on mightily, trying to fight an early submission... it looks like she's going to reach the ropes with his foot and break the hold!
Jesse Ventura: How typical, Ross! Whenever one of YOUR favorites reaches the rope, you cry foul if there isn't a clean break. But if Rick Rude was to do so, you'd be cheering for his opponent!
Jim Ross: I... never said anything like that.
Jesse Ventura: Shut up, Ross!
Jim Ross: Meantime, Trish Stratus has made her way to the ropes, forcing Rick Rude to break the hold!
Jesse Ventura: She's had her lucky break, Ross, but I don't think she...
Jim Ross: Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Trish batters Rude with a flurry of dropkicks!
Jesse Ventura: Yeah, but you'll notice Rick hasn't left his feet yet. He's still hanging on.
Jim Ross: BAH GAWD!
Jesse Ventura: Ahahaha! Rude just absolutely floored Trish with that clothesline.
Jim Ross: Trish may need medical attention after that one, folks.
Jesse Ventura: Absolutely, Ross! Such a powerful move! There's a reason Rick Rude was given the Jesse The Body award at the 1987 Slammys -- because he truly has the best body in wrestling.
Jim Ross: Wait a second... you're trying to tell me Ravishing Rick Rude has a better body... than Trish Stratus?
Jesse Ventura: Positively! I'd rather watch Rude's perfect form any day!
Jim Ross: Different strokes for different folks, I reckon. Meanwhile, Trish hasn't gotten up off the ground from that punishing clothesline!
Jesse Ventura: Ravishing Rick needs to stop showboating here and attempt a pin.
Jim Ross: Look at this, Rude standing over Trish, gyrating his hips. Wait - it's a small package!
Jesse Ventura: He's not *that* small, Ross. His trunks must be chafing him or something.
Jim Ross: No, I mean Trish has wrapped Rude into a small package. One - two - KICK OUT AT TWO AND A HALF, BAH GAWD!
Jesse Ventura: Yeah, that's what I meant too, the "small package" wrestling move...
Jim Ross: Sure you did. Meanwhile, Rude is charging Stratus and... he gets hiptossed out to the apron! Trish Stratus is taking charge of this match!
Jesse Ventura: Trish Stratus impressing me here, but I don't believe she's going to be able to suplex Rude back into the ring...
Jim Ross: Bah gawd, Trish is tougher than a two dollar steak. She's trying her damndest to lift Rude back in via a suplex. I think she may be able... wait, what the hell?
Jesse Ventura: This is genius, Ross! Bobby Heenan has grabbed Trish's leg and Rude collapsed on top of her.
Jim Ross: Heenan is still holding on, but the ref can't see it. One - Two - Three. DAMMIT!
Jesse Ventura: Ahahahaha! It's only cheating if you get caught, Ross! Bobby Heenan proved his worth out here tonight and secured the win for his client!
Jim Ross: Dammit to hell!
Howard Finkel: Here is your WINNER... Ravishing Rick Rude!
Jim Ross: I don't know how Heenan and Rude can live with themselves knowing they had to conspire... to beat a woman!
Jesse Ventura: Rick Rude won the match, didn't he? That's all that counts!
Jim Ross: Folks, be sure to tune into future match-ups for The Great 1,024 Wrestler Tournament. For Jesse The Body Ventura, I'm Good Ol' JR. Good night!
Canadian Bulldog (twitter.com/canadianbulldog) has been writing about professional wrestling over a decade, and has been writing weekly columns since 2006 at Wewantinsanity.com. Check out Canadian Bulldog's newest eBook, Canadian Bulldog's Biggest Scoops