September 22, 2012
Smackdown: Analyze this, plug that
By DAVE HILLHOUSE -- SLAM! Wrestling
Dysfunctional tag champs Daniel Bryan and Kane are the focus of tonight’s show, with a surprising sub-plot starring a Swiss, a Lithuanian, and an Italian-Canadian. Also, even though the secret was purposefully let out, there’s something of a surprise return by a Smackdown stalwart.
First out of the gate tonight is Edge, looking happier than anybody to be here (though the producers of Haven are happiest of all). He soaks in the applause before commenting on how weird the whole thing with Bryan and Kane has become.
Bryan makes his way to the ring to claim sole ownership of the tag titles, and while he’s there he tries a little therapy on Edge about buried emotions regarding his annulled marriage to Vickie Guerrero.
To nobody’s great surprise, Kane comes out to have his say –- but not about the torture that Edge inflicted upon his father Paul Bearer. Instead, he joins Bryan in trying to sell Dr. Shelby’s technique on Edge.
Edge flips, calling out Kane especially for this touchy-feely stuff because he’s the Big Red Machine. After Edge reminds him of all the terrible things they’ve done to each other, Kane wants a hug and not a fight. Edge complies, and after Bryan throws a hissy fit about being excluded, Edge invites him in.
Before Bryan gets there, Damien Sandow interrupts and chastises the whole proceedings. He does bring an end to the sequence, but probably not in a way he envisioned.
Match #1 – Damien Sandow vs. Kane
Sandow is a practice dummy for side slams and top rope clotheslines, but before Kane can deliver a chokeslam Bryan, seated at ringside, grabs the tag title belts. As Kane tries to get his back, Sandow sneaks up from behind and wins with a neckbreaker.
Winner via pinfall: Damien Sandow
Backstage after the break, Kane is storming around in search of Bryan. He meets Dr. Shelby and vows to rip Bryan’s beard off. Bryan pops up out of one of the storage compartments -– storage compartments! He gives back the belt and Shelby says he’ll talk to Booker T about getting Bryan into a match tonight as well.
Elsewhere, in Booker T’s office, Alberto Del Rio confronts the GM about re-instating the Brogue Kick. He wants another title match, but Booker T says he has to earn it. Del Rio takes it out on Booker T’s autobiography, tossing it across the room.
Match #2 – Layla vs. Natalya
Eve is on commentary, expressing concern over Kaitlyn and her eagerness to give Layla a rematch. In the ring, Natalya falls to a Lay-Out.
Winner via pinfall: Layla
Match #3 – Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
Ziggler and Del Rio put aside their selfish intentions and double-team Sheamus effectively. Orton tries to get the crowd into it, and their magic works as Sheamus powerslams Del Rio and makes the tag. Orton gets ready for an RKO on Del Rio but Ziggler interrupts the attack from behind.
Things get messy soon after that as both teams tag but Del Rio tries to get Sheamus in a cross-arm breaker. Orton RKOs that plan away and Sheamus drops Ziggler with the Brogue Kick.
Winners via pinfall: Randy Orton & Sheamus
Match #4 – Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes
These two provide an intriguing match-up, but they’re really just biding time until Kane arrives. With Bryan distracted, Rhodes drops him with Cross Rhodes.
Winner via pinfall: Cody Rhodes
Backstage, the tag champs argue, then challenge the eavesdropping Rhodes and Sandow to a tag match. The challenged pair run away, leaving it unclear if the match is on.
Match #5 – Brodus Clay (w/ Naomi & Cameron) vs. Heath Slater
What starts as a dance-off is turning into a squash before a surprise attack by Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre creates an even more surprising new Trio of Terror as they beat up on Brodus.
Winner via disqualification: Brodus Clay
Match #6 – Santino Marella vs. Antonio Cesaro (w/ Aksana)
Santino gets enough momentum going to get the Cobra ready but, as usual, it becomes infatuated by Aksana. Cesaro rips it off him and tosses it near Aksana. She tries to grab it but falls in the ring, and the ref tries to help her as Cesaro lays Santino out with the Neutralizer. Cesaro released his pin and accosts the ref, while Santino sneaks up for a roll-up victory.
Winner via pinfall: Santino Marella
As Santino celebrates, Cesaro angrily breaks up with Aksana in five different languages.
Match #7 – Daniel Bryan & Kane vs. Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow
It’s not officially a Lumberjack Match, but The Usos, Primetime Players, Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel are surrounding the ring to watch.
An argument breaks out as Bryan refuses to tag to Kane, then Rhodes shoves Bryan into his partner, sending Kane (who technically should have become the legal man at this point) to the floor where Sandow attacks him. Kane gets a tag soon enough anyway, and gets ready for a chokeslam on Sandow, but Rhodes smacks him on the back with a chair.
Winners via disqualification: Kane & Daniel Bryan
The tag champs bond over steel chairs as they attack both Rhodes and Sandow, and then every other team as well. They stand above eight fallen and beaten wrestlers –- but still argue over who is the tag team champion.
Since Edge was in attendance, you’d think Kane and Bryan would’ve worked in a con-chair-to.
Dave Hillhouse is a screenwriter and teacher, and worked in a line of dialogue from the Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles”. Geeks: go find it.