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Raw: CM Punk's day off ends a few minutes early in Chicago
By NICK TYLWALK - SLAM! Wrestling


John Cena has plans to adjust Alberto Del Rio's attitude. Photos by The Masked SLAM! Wrestling Photographer.


It's worth noting that Raw comes to us from Chicago, a place that usually means good things will happen to CM Punk and bad things to John Cena. Will that be the case again tonight? Only one way to find out: Let's go live on USA.

Michael Cole greets us by discussing a disturbing situation that started tonight's show. When Jerry Lawler was supposed to enter, he found himself assaulted by Punk. Cole is handling announcing duties by himself, at least for now.

Sheamus is the first man in the ring tonight, and he promises that the party is going to end for Alberto Del Rio. Rudely, he's almost immediately interrupted by Punk. The WWE Champions scoffs at Sheamus trying to talk to his hometown. The people can relate to Punk because he's from Chi-Town. He admits to beating up Lawler, but claims The King jumped him from behind, and thus got what he deserved, “Chicago style.” Punk goes on to talk about the class he was teaching in respect until a white knight named Cena had to interfere. After asking rhetorically if he's really turned his back on the WWE Universe, he insinuates that Cena did that very same thing instead. Sheamus has had enough, as he doesn't have 30 minutes to sit through this promo. The Great White also points out that it was Punk disrespecting him by interrupting. So how about it fella, why don't you come on down? Punk laughs, saying Sheamus us behind him in the promotion's pecking order. Further witty repartee is brought to a halt as AJ hits the stage with an idea for tonight's main events. In one, Del Rio and Cena will square off. And in the other, it will be champion versus champion. Yep, it's going to be Punk against Sheamus in the Windy City tonight.

Match 1 – Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Two former world champions face off in this one. Orton dominates the action until the commercial break you knew was coming. It's no better for the Show Off when we return, at least until he finally hits a swinging neckbreaker. Orton is thrown hard into the retaining wall on the outside, and momentum officially switches sides. Ziggler gets a near fall, then slows the pace down with a chin lock that turns into a showboating handstand. The Viper runs into an elbow and has to kick out at two once again. Dolph decides to go up top, where he is unceremoniously dumped crotch-first on the turnbuckle. Orton delivers a superplex, but it isn't quite enough to get three. A backbreaker earns Randy another near fall, followed by another for Dolph. The fans cheer and Vickie looks concerned after an Orton DDT. A semi-awkward sequence ends with Ziggler rolling through a pinning attempt and grabbing the tights to get the pinfall.

It's time for anger management class, where Daniel Bryan gets to show the class his anger collage. It's full of “Yes” and “No,” and he can't take it any more. Kane shows his collage, which is blank. Is that how you feel inside, Kane, blank? He crumples up his collage and throws it away before using his ring entrance powers to light the trash can on fire. The teacher is unfazed. Oh, and The Miz has joined Cole out at the announce table. They show us highlights from this past week's SmackDown, where masked men Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara joined forces to fend off Cody Rhodes. They will team together in the ring for the first time ever after this word from our sponsors.

Match 2 – Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara vs. Tensai and Cody Rhodes

A fairly even opening sequence leads to Mysterio taking a beating, but he's able to hit a 619 on Rhodes and tag his partner. Sin Cara comes off the top, and this surprisingly quick match is over. Alrighty then.

Now the anger management class has linked hands, except for Bryan and Kane. The teacher wants the two of them to demonstrate something for their peers. It's trust fall time! Both grapplers seem a bit confused by the concept. Bryan says he trusts the Big Red Monster, and surprisingly, Kane actually catches him. Now teach wants them to work together to catch Harold. Hilarity ensues as poor Harold hits the floor.

Match 3 – Sheamus vs. CM Punk

The fans chant for Punk, who does not appear to be dressed to compete. Punk addresses the fans chanting his name and says they will respect his decision not to appear in anything less than the main event. Sheamus doesn't like it, nor does AJ, but the champ gets in a waiting car and takes off.

Del Rio comes down to ringside, but he's not Sheamus' opponent. It looks like Jack Swagger is. Let's try this again...

Match 3 – Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger

This is a pretty tough way for Swagger to try to end his lengthy losing streak. Del Rio has a headset on but shows no interest in actually doing any commentary. Swagger puts up a brave fight but is eventually forced to tap out by the World Heavyweight Champion. Yes, you read that right. Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez try to ambush the champ, but he ends up delivering a Brogue Kick that Rodriguez takes for his boss.

Match 4 – Eve vs. Kaitlyn

Layla joins the announcers to scout her number one contender, Kaitlyn, making me realize how far the Divas division has fallen. A big argument breaks out between Miz and Layla, for some reason. Also, if anyone cares, Eve wins he match. She offers Layla a handshake as Miz taunts the champ. They shake, but Layla doesn't seem thrilled about it.

A frustrated Swagger heads for the exit. AJ tries to stop him from leaving, but Jack says he needs to take some extended time off to figure out where he's gone wrong. AJ pleads for him to stay, since Brock Lesnar, Chris Jericho, and now, apparently, Punk have left on her watch. Swagger says sorry but leaves anyway.

Back at the anger management class, Kane and Bryan appear to undo a lot of their progress by bickering over who would win if they went head to head. Their classmates clear out, and the teacher loses his cool and storms away. Out in the arena, Cole tells the fans that they are going to be able to decide the fate of Bryan and Kane. The three choices are for the wrestlers to compete against each other, to tag together or to “hug it out.” Matt Striker asks Del Rio for an update on Rodriguez's condition, but David Otunga says his client has no comment at this time.

The Rock apparently foiled some would-be burglars on the set of Fast Six. He's a full service action star.

Match 5 – Jinder Mahal vs. Ryback

Man, I love Ryback (#sarcasm). In case you had any doubts, Ryback wins this one. Miz had some nice things to say about him too.

Striker pays AJ a visit to find out what she's going to do to stop the show from falling apart. She orders the announcer to inform Del Rio and Cena that their match tonight will be a Falls Count Anywhere affair. Do it!

Bryan comes down the ramp, doing his best to keep his cool. Miz has his doubts. Kane joins him, and to no one's surprise (no one with half a brain, anyway), 55 percent of the voters want to see them hug it out. The two men tentatively move in, but they aren't sure how to get it done. Also, there's a ref in there for some reason. Bryan successfully hugs Kane, but the fans want to see the Big Red Machine reciprocate. Grudgingly, he does. But that doesn't count, because they have to hug at the same time. They manage to do that too, plus there's a handshake to boot. Kane gives Bryan a friendly smack, but it quickly turns into a real shoving match. A chokeslam puts Bryan down, and Kane considers coming off the top rope with Daniel's neck inside a steel char, but officials rush out from the back to stop him.


U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro with Aksana
Match 6 – Santino Marella (challenger) vs. Antonio Cesaro (champion) – United States Championship Match

In case you didn't know, Cesaro knows a bunch of languages. Marella presumably knows two, so this could be the most multilingual match in WWE history. The Cobra makes an appearance, but it's no match for the Neutralizer.

Match 7 – Heath Slater vs. Zack Ryder

Well, at least Ryder is back on Raw. It's all Slater early on while Cole and Miz have a love fest over at the announce table. With each other, I mean. Ryder launches a missile dropkick and smashes home the Broski Boot. Zack manages to it the Rough Ryder for the win, but Vickie Guerrero is out quickly to rain on his parade. She calls for a chair to be set up for her. She's waiting for AJ, I believe, to discuss their issues. For the first time ever, I'm actually grateful for the commercial break.

Guerrero really wants AJ to come out. She may regret that stance momentarily, as the Raw GM looks none too pleased while entering the ring. She just got off the phone with the Board of Directors, who chastised her for juvenile and inappropriate behavior. They told her not to put her hands on anyone and ordered her to apologize to Vickie. The fans try to get a “What?” chant going while Vickie tries to goad AJ into doing something rash. Her second attempt at an apology still doesn't appease Guerrero, so is the third time the charm? Guess not, because Vickie smacks her in the face, cackling that AJ can't touch her. Another slap follows before Guerrero laughs and skips her way back up the ramp. As a result, AJ comes apart at the seams, having a bit of a nervous breakdown in the middle of the ring. #crazychickisback

Main Event – John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio – Falls Count Anywhere Match

The action is already underway after the final ad break. Del Rio body slams Cena to force a kick out at two. Cena powers his way out of a neck crank amidst a typically divided reaction from the Chicago fans. A backbreaker gets Del Rio another near fall, but he flies right into a dropkick while coming off the top rope. Cena hits a series of jumping shoulders and a body slam, following up with the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the Attitude Adjustment, forcing Del Rio to take the fight to the floor to escape. ADR tosses his foe into the stairs, stomps on him and whips him into the retaining wall. Cena retaliates by jumping off the steps for a shoulder block and covering for two on the floor. The announce table is cleared off by Cena, but Del Rio comes hustling over to get a near fall with a high kick from behind. A series of reversals finds Cena going face first into the post. Del Rio swings and misses with a steel chair and is hurled over the wall into the crowd. Cena drags the steps over to the table before whipping Del Rio into the wall again. He carries Alberto on his shoulders to the top of the steps, but Del Rio squirms out and hits a side suplex through the table. Somehow, Cena kicks out at two. Back in the ring, Del Rio gets a microphone to boast about breaking Cena's arm. That leaves him wide open for the STF, but he manages to hit Cena in the face with the mic to escape. The two men end up outside the ring again, where Del Rio hits a suplex on the ramp for a two count. They fight to the stage, and Cena spies his opponent's Ferrari. He opts to pick up a speaker instead, though Del Rio nails him low and herds him backstage. Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment on top of some rolling containers, but Punk returns to nail Cena with a knee. The WWE Champion rolls Del Rio on top to get the win, then drops Cena face first off the hood of his car before uttering a message about respect. And for one last twist, it's Paul Heyman driving the car away as Raw fades out. See you in seven!

RELATED LINKS

  • Monday Night Raw in Chicago Photo Gallery

    Nick Tylwalk doesn't ever want to see two wrestlers hug it out on WWE television again. Never, ever, ever, as Taylor Swift would say. To convince him otherwise, hit him up on Twitter, on Google+ or by email.