July 14, 2012
Smackdown: noun \’smak-,daun\
By DAVE HILLHOUSE -- SLAM! Wrestling
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines a smackdown as 1) the act of knocking down or bringing down an opponent; 2) a contest in entertainment wrestling; 3) a decisive defeat; and 4) a confrontation between rivals or competitors. Tonight, however, is “Zackdown” as Zack Ryder is the weekly interim GM; let’s find out what Ryder’s definition looks like.
The GM hits the ring first, pumping up the crowd. He’s cut short by the number-one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, Alberto Del Rio (along with Ricardo Rodriguez), and called a clown for his efforts. Ryder has a response for him, though, and that is the return match he has made between Del Rio and Sin Cara.
Match #1 – Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Sin Cara
Cara is hopping mad, foregoing his usual aerial repertoire for more kicks and punches. That plays beautifully into Del Rio’s hands, though, as he powers back with a headbutt and shoulder-breaker. Cara misses a “go for broke” senton bomb off the top rope and Del Rio responds with the cross arm-breaker for the win.
Winner via submission: Alberto Del Rio
Teddy Long is backstage giving Ryder praise for his job as GM so far, but Big Show voices his contrary opinion. Ryder has a response for him, too, making a match between the two big guys for later.
Match #2 – Darren Young (w/ Titus O’Neil & A.W.) vs. Primo (w/ Epico & Rosa Mendes)
A.W. is squawking away on the house mic throughout, as Jimmy Hart’s megaphone has been updated to a wireless headset. Young seems to have things well in-hand, even toying with Primo a bit before dodging a Backstabber. Primo prevails, though, rolling Young up for a quick win.
Winner via pinfall: Primo
Backstage again, Ryder brokers another match, this time between Sheamus and Chris Jericho. Ryder certainly learned how to make up a show on the fly from his time assisting Teddy Long.
Match #3 – Christian & Santino Marella vs. Dolph Ziggler & Cody Rhodes (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
Rhodes is practising his “point at the Wrestlemania sign” maneuver, using the Money in the Bank briefcase as a proxy. The heels have this one firmly in hand, with Christian taking the brunt of the punishment. When Santino gets the hot tag, he makes it as far as producing the Cobra sock but is Zig-Zagged out of contention.
Winners via pinfall: Dolph Ziggler & Cody Rhodes
Rhodes and Ziggler have a little staredown under the MITB briefcase.
Match #4 – Big Show vs. The Great Khali
A chop by Khali, a WMD by Big Show; it’s sort of like Paper, Rock, Scissors for abnormally large people.
Winner via pinfall: Big Show
Match #5 – Tyler Reks (w/ Curt Hawkins) vs. Ryback
Reks gets more offence in than any other opponent of Ryback’s so far, but ultimately loses just like any other opponent.
Winner via pinfall: Ryback
Hugh Jackman’s hosting duties makes it as a most memorable Raw moment? We need a combination of Miz and Ron Simmons to respond to that one.
Match #6 – Damien Sandow vs. Justin Gabriel
This is an exercise in futility for Gabriel, as he falls to Sandow’s neckbreaker.
Winner via pinfall: Damien Sandow
Match #7 – Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho
These two actually have nice little history building, starting back at the Royal Rumble. Jericho unfortunately puts himself into potato position and Sheamus responds with his forearm smashes before shoulder-checking Jericho off the apron and sending him spilling over the announcer’s table.
After the break, we learn that Jericho introduced Sheamus to the stairs and the announcer’s table as well; still, the champ is still tossing Jericho around with ease. Then, a missed Codebreaker, a missed Brogue Kick, a successful Lionsault and Sheamus powers out of the Walls of Jericho twice. Jericho, perhaps frustratingly stymied, tries a ridiculous running attack with no apparent offensive planning whatsoever, and charges right into a Brogue Kick.
Winner via pinfall: Sheamus
As he celebrates the win, Sheamus is distracted by Del Rio’s music and one of his fancy cars cruising in by the stage. It’s all a ruse, though, as Del Rio attacks Sheamus from behind. As Sheamus’ back looks like a flame-broiled burger marked up by the grate on the stage, Del Rio gets him in the cross arm-breaker for mucho time before referees finally break it off.
Dave Hillhouse is a screenwriter and teacher, and would like to remind readers that not all Money in the Bank winners have successfully cashed in, as we take a moment to commemorate Mr. Kennedy’s efforts.