SLAM! Sports SLAM! Wrestling
   April 17, 2014



News & Rumours
Bios
Obits
Canadian Hall of Fame
WrestleMania 30
WrestleMania 30 photos
Video
Movie Database
Minority Mat Report
Columnists
Features
Results Archive
PPV Reviews
SLAM! Wrestling store
On Facebook
On Twitter
Send Feedback




Photo Galleries

SHIMMER taping


The Ultimate Warrior


Raw in New Orleans


WrestleMania XXX Main Events


WrestleMania XXX Opening Half


WWE Hall of Fame Ceremony
WWE Hall of Fame Red Carpet


Make-A-Wish party







SCOREBOARD
PHOTO GALLERY
VIDEO GALLERY
COMMENT




RECENT PHOTO GALLERIES: SHIMMER taping
Ultimate Warrior | Raw in New Orleans | ROH Supercard of Honor VIII
WRESTLEMANIA XXX: Section | Photos

THE SCOOP: Visit our News & Rumours page.


Raw: Laurinaitis agrees to start the 'Raw is Lesnar' era at the Joe
By NICK TYLWALK - SLAM! Wrestling


Brock Lesnar and John Cena sign the contract as John Laurinaitis oversees. Photo by Brad McFarlin



Raw rolls into the Motor City with just six days left until Extreme Rules. John Cena has so far proved helpless to stop Brock Lesnar on his rampaging return to the WWE, and the two men will meet tonight to engage in that silly but time-honored wrestling tradition, the contract signing. Let’s get to it as we go live from Detroit on USA.

Teddy Long gets us started by introducing the men who will be signing the contract to face each other in the main event at Extreme Rules. John Cena heads to the table first, followed by Brock Lesnar. Except that Lesnar isn't here yet, so John Laurinaitis comes out to berate Long and get Cena out of his ring. Teddy does as he's asked, but another monkey wrench is quickly thrown in as Edge makes his way to the ring to a huge pop from the Detroit fans. The recent WWE Hall of Fame inductee wants to talk to Cena; not the one who is standing in front of him, though, but the Cena who was his greatest rival. Edge says that despite their differences, the thing that binds them together is their love for the wrestling business, whereas Lesnar only cares about lining his pockets. He implores Cena to wake up, because if he doesn't, it's a slap in the face to guys like Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker and Edge. Edge isn't asking Cena to beat Lesnar – Edge is telling him.

Match 1 – Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston

Kofi does pretty well, getting in plenty of offense both before and after the commercial break. Each man scores a near fall before Kingston hits a high cross body and the S.O.S. Jericho kicks out of both, so Kofi delivers the Boom Drop and signals for the Trouble in Paradise. After a brief exchange of counters, Jericho catches Kingston with a Codebreaker while he's jumping back into the ring. That leaves Kofi mostly helpless for the Walls of Jericho, and he quickly taps out. Jericho uses the victory as proof that he'll become the new WWE Champion at Extreme Rules. He calls Punk an extreme disappointment and failure as a human being. Oh, and he's going to give Punk an extreme beating on Sunday in front of his family and friends. Get it? Extreme! #repetitionrules

Laurinaitis and Eve Torres have the most awkward job offer/job acceptance conversation in recent memory. Next, we see a video package of Lesnar talking about how dominant he was and is. Brock makes it clear that he cares only about himself and legitimizing the WWE. In the locker room, Punk shows Josh Mathews that Jericho has given him a gift: a liquor basket. The champ re-gifts it to what I assume is a very grateful Mathews.

Match 2 – R-Truth vs. Lord Tensai

Unless you've only recently resumed watching WWE programming after a long break, you know how this one is going down. Tensai squashes Truth, finishing him with a mist-aided claw.

Kane comes to the ring for some microphone time (no, really!). He calls Extreme Rules his favorite night of the year and claims that he has discovered Randy Orton's one true weakness. The Big Red Monster says that beating up Orton's dad showed him a mix of fear and desperation. Orton appears on the big screen with a beat up Paul Bearer, telling Kane that once you mess with his family, it's on. The Viper shoves poor Paul into a walk-in cooler, but while Kane initially looks troubled, he laughs and tells Orton he doesn't care what happens to his “dad.” Since that didn't work, Orton comes down the ramp and attacks, eventually knocking Kane over the retaining wall with a metal pipe.

Alex Riley stops Jericho with the bold claim that he saw Punk drinking out of one of the bottles of liquor in the dressing room. Y2J is skeptical, so he goes with Riley and peeks through the door to see Punk drinking out of a plastic cup with the bottle next to it on the table. Could it be? No, surely not!

Match 3 – Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show and The Great Khali

It's all Khali early, with Rhodes and Del Rio both taking some abuse. They get a commercial break to figure out how to turn things around (well, not really, as the match is going on live, but... never mind). It works out as Big Show takes an extended beating from the heels, who focus on his left knee. Rhodes applies the Figure Four despite the size difference involved. Show punches his way out, but he's still in trouble. Del Rio decides discretion is the better part of valor, leaving Rhodes alone with the big men. Show plants Cody with a choke slam, and he's not getting up from that.

Jericho tells Laurinaitis about Punk's apparent drinking, and Eve tells Johnny Ace that he can legally strip the champ of his title. But the GM wants proof, so Jericho suggests a field sobriety test in the ring. Naturally, he's going to make Long do it. Elsewhere, Mathews tries to get some answers out of Lesnar, but Brock doesn't like the questions. That gets the interviewer thrown through a conveniently placed fence of some sort. After some ads, we see him get taken out in a neck brace by medical personnel.

Match 4 – Nikki Bella vs. Beth Phoenix – WWE Divas Championship Match

Newly appointed Executive Administrator Eve comes out to turn this one into a Lumberjill Match. Sure, why not? Michael Cole jinxes Phoenix by talking about how she's enjoying one of the longest reigns of any Diva ever. Beth injures her ankle during the match, perhaps legitimately, and Bella takes advantage by pinning her to win the title. Read that sentence again and let it soak in.

Long deliver the news of the sobriety test to Punk, who does not take it well, taking some of his frustration out on various inanimate objects in the dressing room. After a commercial break, Long heads to the ring to do his duty, but Jericho says he wants to be out there too to make sure the test is done right. Punk looks a little unsteady on his feet as he heads to the ring. The champ uses the word “ridiculous” about 20 times as he expresses his displeasure with the whole thing. One of the police officers asks Punk to recite the alphabet backwards, but he can't do it. Next he's asked to walk a straight line and doesn't do very well with that either. Jericho has seen enough, demanding that Long strip Punk of his title. One of the other officers says Punk is intoxicated. I guess they don't have breathalyzers in the Motor City. Long asks Punk to hand over his title, and he reluctantly does so. But he asks for one more chance, and it turns out Punk was putting us on the whole time. Reciting the alphabet (mostly correctly) backwards while walking the line in both directions, he finishes by jumping Jericho and chasing him out of the ring. Long hands the belt back to Punk as the fans breathe a collective sigh of relief. Laurinaitis and Eve don't look too happy as they watch on a monitor backstage.

We see more video of Lesnar's career highlights, this time focusing on his victory over Hulk Hogan. The best part is hearing Taz on commentary. It's not the same without him on SmackDown and (especially) Jim Ross on Raw.

Match 5 – Sheamus vs. Mark Henry w/ special guest referee Daniel Bryan

This one doesn't last long, as Henry is able to get a quick pin (literally, as it's a super fast count) once Sheamus is distracted by Bryan. Angered, the Great White chases Bryan out of the ring and back inside, where he pauses to nail Henry with a Brogue Kick. All that does is give Bryan the chance to put the Yes! Lock on Sheamus.

Sheamus uses some story about the snakes in Ireland to explain to Matt Striker how mad he is at Bryan. Point taken, I guess.

Match 6 – Primo and Epico vs. Zack Ryder and Santino Marella

The fans are into this one, at least in terms of chanting for Ryder. To Cole's dismay, it's Santino who comes through, winning the match with the help of his trusty Cobra. Ryder and Marella celebrate their win as only they can.

Does the Monster have a heart after all? Kane looks like he's had a change of heart, pulling Paul Bearer out of the cooler. But he rolls the old man back in. Cold!

Match 7 – Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger

Hornswoggle quickly tags in, though Ziggler mocks him while knocking him around. Brodus tags in and starts tossing the heels around, so Vickie Guerrero climbs in to intervene. That gets the match thrown out, and all kinds of foolishness ensue. Also, Hornswoggle bites Vickie on the rear. That leads Cole to drop a rare bit of truth: “I can't believe we just sat through that.”

For some reason, we have to see the same Lesnar video that played earlier in the show. What makes him happy? Beating people up.

With his trumpet fanfare playing, Laurinaitis walks out to initiate the contract signing. He tells the fans that he can't wait for the first pay-per-view of the “People Power” era. Lesnar heads to the table first, followed by... well, nothing. Cena's music hits, but there's no sign of the man himself. Brock says that Cena is too scared to come out, but that's fine, because he has business to discuss with Laurinaitis. Lesnar has changes that he wants and needs, producing a list for Johnny Ace to take care of before Sunday. In fact, he wants them done right now. He's not the same naïve farm boy he was eight years ago. Lesnar tells Laurinaitis that all major decisions need to run through him, he gets Vince McMahon's private jet to and from the venue, he wants to be able to show up at Raw whenever he wants, and, oh yeah, he wants a raise too. Until those demands are met, Lesnar has no intention of going through with the match on Sunday. Laurinaitis agrees, telling everyone he accepts the terms. Since Johnny played ball, Lesnar signs the contract. That finally gets Cena to come out, sporting his old chain and lock. He and Lesnar stare each other down for a bit until Brock gets impatient and tells him to sign. Lesnar says he feels the fear coming from Cena. John signs, but he's wary of getting jumped and has the chain wrapped around his fist. They circle around the table, which Lesnar flips over before exiting the ring.

RELATED LINKS

  • WWE Monday Night Raw in Detroit Photo Gallery

    Seeing the success of Lesnar's negotiating tactics, Nick Tylwalk has his own list of demands for Greg Oliver that include use of the site's 1975 AMC Pacer to get to and from work and the renaming of the site to "SLAM! Wrestling starring Nick Tylwalk." Chide Nick for his likely failure on Twitter, on Google+ or by email.