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Smackdown: Bizarro-Land, South
By DAVE HILLHOUSE -- SLAM! Wrestling


Mexico, Elvis said, has got mucha, mucha-chas amigos. The two claimants to the Sin Cara handle, of course, are decided enemigos, and have Smackdown’s first Mask vs. Mask Match. Both World Champions are also in action as we march towards Vengeance.

WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio is in the ring, along with Ricardo Rodriguez, and he’s here to soak up the love from the Mexico City fans. However, they don’t love him enough to deny Teddy Long’s latest audience-determined match: Del Rio will fight Big Show later tonight.

Match #1 – John Morrison vs. Mark Henry

Morrison is fighting mad, and is sparring with Henry as if he thinks he can beat him down. Henry responds by pummelling him back and squashing his face against the ringpost. Morison is more successful with the duck and dodge style, even launching Starship Pain successfully. This only seems to anger Henry, though, as he kicks out and plants Morrison with the World’s Strongest Slam for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Mark Henry

No Hall of Pain? Christian is backstage, having Vickie translate “One More Match” into Spanish, and she also offers her business services to the creepy little bastardo. Teddy Long pops in and makes two matches for Vengeance: Christian and Sheamus, as well as Dolph Ziggler against Zack Ryder for the United States Championship.

Match #2 – Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan

Barrett delivers an old-school, “Earlier Today” promo, vowing success for himself with no group attachment. Bryan, going with the strategically-flawed bushy beard (it’s too easy to grab!) tries an early LeBell Lock, but finds himself instead tied up in the ropes and served an order of Barrett’s Boot Burrito.

Bryan continues to absorb a drubbing until he goes all Dee Snider cum Ultimate Warrior, deciding he’s had enough and shaking the ropes to energize his comeback. Thing are looking good for him until he leaps off the top rope and is caught by Barrett and hammered with Wasteland.

Winner via pinfall: Wade Barrett

Match #3 – Sheamus & Zack Ryder vs. Christian & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)

Ziggler and Christian show off their strategy early: don’t let Sheamus in the ring. It was a good idea, too, because after Ryder is treated like an illegal immigrant for a while, Sheamus gets the tag and quickly dismantles Ziggler with a Brogue Kick that flips him right over.

Winners via pinfall: Sheamus & Zack Ryder

After the break, we see that Christian laid out Sheamus on the ramp, after it appeared that Christian had gone backstage. Meanwhile, Cody Rhodes is in the ring, cackling over the replay of his paper-bagging Orton last week on Raw. He claims to have been suffering from the anguish of being betrayed by Orton at the end of Legacy, and wants Orton to come out and admit his error.

Orton does walk out, but instead of allowing that he’s made a mistake, promises a beating at Vengeance and wants to give Rhodes a preview. Rhodes is quick enough to get away, but his Paper bag Flunkies take the brunt of Orton’s anger.

Match #4 – Sin Cara vs. Twin Cara – Loser Removes Mask

As expected, both are welcomed by the crowd, though Sin Cara is still a little more favoured. He gets the first big combo, rolling Twin Cara out of the ring with a head-scissors, following with a cross-body to the floor. During commercial break, though, Twin Cara has assumed control, slowing the match down with submission holds and getting booed for it.

Sin Cara eagerly ups the tempo again, bouncing off the ropes with Twin Cara in an arm-lock, bouncing him off into a rolling arm-drag. He dropkicks a prone Twin Cara, who is laying in the middle of the mat, then lands his Senton Bomb for a two-count. He follows by trapping Twin Cara in La Mistica for the tap-out win.

Winner via pinfall: Sin Cara

Twin Cara refuses to take off his mask, but Sin Cara traps him in the ropes and helps him out by ripping it off for him. The soon-to-be-renamed loser scrambles his way back while trying to cover his face.

Beth Phoenix and Natalya are in the ring, accusing the fans of being responsible for the rise of the Barbie Divas. Eve struts down, claiming that she is not a Barbie and that she won’t be broken. Phoenix and Natalya continue to mock her until Eve shoves Phoenix down and sashays back up the catwalk.

Match #5 – Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)

Del Rio finds that the little things like body slams and hip-tosses feel a little different from seven feet up in the air. Big Show also disproves Paul Blart’s theory that nobody wins with a head-butt, clearly being the victor with his big noggin. Del Rio gets creative by drop-kicking the steps into Big Show’s knees, giving him a measure of control, elevated after he dropkicks Big Show’s knee directly.

Del Rio starts his attack on Big Show’s arm, but doesn’t get the result he’s seeking with the cross-arm breaker as Big Show lifts him off the mat and tosses him out of the hold. Del Rio gets up and walks right into a choke-slam position, but Rodriguez leaps on Big Show’s back, forcing the bell.

Winner via disqualification: Big Show

Big Show hits three knock-out punches in a row: first, Rodriguez; second, Del Rio; and third, on Mark Henry as the champ tries to attack him from behind. Big Show walks away triumphant.

Dave Hillhouse is a screenwriter and teacher, and doesn’t have anybody upon whom he seeks vengeance. Never thought about it before, but that’s good to know.