March 14, 2011
RAW: Cena wrecked on the Road to Wrestlemania
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling

The superstars just keep on coming. Tonight, Trish Stratus makes her return to Monday Night RAW, but you know who won’t be in St. Louis? THE ROCK. Once again, Rocky, will answer Cena, and possibly The Miz, via satellite. He let us know on his Facebook page that he will not be in the arena, tonight. Unfortunately, Snooki from Jersey Shore is in the building, and no returning Superstar can change that fact.

The Rock does kick off the show from the TitanTron. He is on the phone, talking smack on John Cena. Rock is cut off by Cena’s music, and Rocky acts like Cena is in his house. Instead, it’s some ten year old kid, doing Cena’s act. Rock sits little Cena down for a talk.

(The Rock calling Cena’s movies awful; pot meet kettle. Has anyone seen Doom or Faster?)

After Rock sends little Cena on his way, he turn his attention to WWE Champion, The Miz. Rock has heard Miz loud and clear, and he will deliver a beat down. Rock says he will bring it live on RAW one time before Wrestlemania.

Down at the announce table Michael Cole has his own private plexi-glass booth; it’s to protect him from Jerry Lawler, who is announcing with Josh Matthews.

The Miz hits the ring, calling Rocky a has been. He moves on to Rock’s family, and points out that Rocky Johnson and the High Chief were never WWE champions, so Miz can say whatever he wants. Miz wants Rocky to step into the ring, so he can make him cry like a little girl. Miz owns Cena, not The Rock. And if Rock shows up he will be overshadowed by The Miz.

Before Miz can leave the ring, the RAW GM fires off an email. Cole leaves his cocoon to read the message, but he is cut off by Jerry Lawler. Tonight, John Cena will face Alberto Del Rio for the first time, while The Miz will take on The Great Khali.

Match #1 – The Miz vs. The Great Khali

The Great Khali locks in the skull crusher, but Miz gets to the ropes. Khali doesn’t break the hold, so the ref calls for the bell.

Winner via disqualification: The Miz

Alex Riley jumps in from nowhere to save his former boss. Miz grabs a chair, decking Khali with it. Miz beats the giant until the chair breaks; he finishes Khali off with a DDT on the remains of the steel chair.

And we have our first Snooki sighting. She is talking to John Morrison, and I never thought I’d be happy to see Vicki Guerrero. They have a little back and forth, ending with Snooki slapping Vicki.

Match #2 – King Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan w/ Gail Kim – US Title match

Sheamus has said if he loses the match he will quit WWE. Bryan takes Sheamus down with a toe hold, and then kicks him out of the ring. Bryan connects on a suicide dive through the ropes, and then tosses Sheamus back into the ring. Bryan climbs the top turnbuckle and dropkicks Sheamus. We go to commercial.

After the break, Sheamus has a head lock applied. Bryan breaks free, but is taken down with a shoulder block. Sheamus beats Bryan on the apron, and follows with a running knee lift. Bryan rolls through a slam attempt and then back drops Sheamus over the top rope. The King hobbles back into the ring and Bryan gets the LeBell locked on. Sheamus gets to the ropes to break the hold. Bryan is whipped into the ropes, and Sheamus gets the champ up for the high cross. Bryan counters into a pin, but Sheamus kicks out. Bryan kicks Sheamus in the head, but cannot get the pin. Bryan goes up top again, but jumps right into a pump kick. Sheamus covers to get the win and the title.

Winner ... and new United States Champion ... via pinfall: King Sheamus

After the match, Michael Cole announces he is going to bring out someone from Lawler’s past.

After the break, Michael Cole is in the ring. Cole isn’t happy that Steve Austin has stuck his nose into his match. Cole brings out Jerry Lawler’s son, Brian Christopher! That’s right, Grand Master Sexay is in the house! Cole points out that Christopher has never used the Lawler name. He says it is because growing up he felt like he never had a father, because Jerry never wanted a child. Jerry says he isn’t the only who is glad that Brian didn’t use the Lawler name, because he is a huge screw up. Christopher wants know how Jerry feels that he competed at Wrestlemania before Jerry did. Brian says he never used the Lawler name was because he is ashamed of it. Cole says Lawler never cared about his family and calls him a loser.

Wait! Is that the Oklahoma fight song? It is. J.R. is back! Jim Ross makes his way to the ring, and Cole was waiting for it. Ross pleads for Cole to stop this. Cole tells J.R. to get lost, saying he is now the voice of WWE. Ross tell Cole that the fans are the voice of WWE, and then tells him that Lawler has been carrying and protecting him for years. Cole calls out J.R. for being a coward, so Ross gets ready for a fight. Cole is ready to rumble. Lawler is attacked from behind by Jack Swagger, who then sets his sights on Ross. Swagger kicks him in the gut, and applies the ankle lock. Lawler runs in to make the save, but is overpowered by Swagger. Lawler gets the ankle lock, and the Cole locks one on Ross.

Match #3 – Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan

Orton hammers away at Ryan in the corner and whips him across the ring. Ryan fights back, connecting with a big boot. He follows with a back breaker. Ryan locks in a bear hug and hits a side slam. Ryan gets Orton to his feet, but Orton nails an RKO out of nowhere. Orton covers and gets the pin. CM Punk is stunned as he watches from the ramp.

Winner via pinfall: Randy Orton

After the match, Punk rushes to the ring, but cannot prevent Orton from punting Ryan in the skull. The two stare each other down in the ring, Punk slinks out and backs up the ramp.

Drew Carey will be this year’s celebrity inductee in the WWE Hall of Fame.

Michael Cole interrupts Josh Matthews to promote himself, again. He says he has mastered the ankle lock, and takes another shot at Jim Ross.

Snooki and Trish Stratus are walking backstage, when Zac Ryder asks Snooks to check out his "situation," um, his six pack.

Justin Roberts announces Snooki to the ring. She cuts a promo for Trish Stratus on Vicki Guerrero. (I’m embarrassed for everyone on this one.)

Match #4 – Vicki Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus – No Disqualification Match

Vicki has something to say before the match. She tells Snooki to never touch her again, and she is upset that Snooki stole her Rolling Stone cover.

Vicki does some warm-up jumping jacks and stretches. Trish runs over and nearly rolls her up. Trish shoves Vicki to the mat and loses a shoe. Vicki tosses both shoes at Trish. Dolph Ziggler runs in to put a stop to this nonsense, and John Morrison runs in. Morrison takes out Ziggler, but LayCool hits the ring. Michelle knocks out Trish, and Vicki covers to get the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Vicki Guerrero

McCool and Layla turn their attention to Snooki at ringside. McCool pushes Snooki, but she pulls Michelle off the apron, and then jumps Layla in the ring. Trish evens the score, and Morrison helps them clear the ring. Vicki tells Snooki she is in over her head, and that this is her show now. Vicki challenges the three in the ring to a match versus LayCool and Dolph Ziggler at Wrestlemania. (Can I get refund on my tickets?)

Match #5 – John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio W/ Brodus Clay

Del Rio and Cena lock up. Del Rio applies a side head lock and snaps Cena over. Cole tells us that The Rock is here, as Del Rio clears out of the ring and we go to break.

After the commercials, Del Rio is in full control with a head lock. Cena breaks the hold with a side suplex. Both men go down on a dual clothesline. They get to their feet, and trade punches. Cena hits a shoulder block, and then the side slam. He pulls out the five knuckle shuffle, and looks for the Attitude Adjustment. Brodus Clay jumps in to stop Cena, and gets Del Rio disqualified.

Winner via DQ: John Cena

Del Rio continues the beating, when The Rock’s music hits. Out walk Rocky, but wait, that’s The Miz, and he shaved his head. Miz joins in the beat down on Cena. Clay tosses Cena from the ring, as The Miz poses on the turnbuckles. Never mind, The Miz was wearing a latex cap to cover his hair. The champ runs Cena into the ring post and decks him with a microphone. Miz tells Cena he owns him through Wrestlemania. Miz beats on Cena at the base of the ramp, before delivering a DDT on the steel ramp. Cena gets to his feet, and fights back, but Miz stops that with another DDT. Miz drives Cena into the WWE logo on the stage, and finishes with a Skull Crushing Finale into the logo’s base.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale will be heading to Atlanta for Wrestlemania this year. Follow his adventures on Twitter @DPlummer627.


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