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RAW: The Slammy Awards falls flat
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


World Wrestling Entertainment is heading down a slippery slope. If they keep airing three-hour Monday Night RAWs every other week, people will start to have flashbacks of WCW’s Monday Nitro. At least David Arquette will never be on RAW.

Tonight’s three-hour extravaganza, from New Orleans, revolves around the WWE’s annual Slammy awards. Dennis Miller hosted last year’s event, and this year’s host is David Arquette. Awwww, crap.

Michael Cole is back on commentary, but CM Punk is sitting between Cole and the King. The former WCW champion, David Arquette (yes, kids that’s right. If you don’t believe me Google it. I can wait) walks out on stage. Arquette calls himself one of the greatest champions of all time. He also says he should have won an Oscar for Ready To Rumble, a movie that led to the downfall of WCW in my humble opinion.

Arquette gets down to business, announcing the nominees for Shocker of the Year.

Shocker of the Year

Nexus Debuts

Randy Orton punts Chris Jericho

The Miz wins the WWE Title

Paul Bearer turns on The Undertaker

Winner: Nexus Debuts

Wade Barrett accepts the awards for the group, saying if it wasn’t for him Nexus wouldn’t be here. He tells the crowd that he has some hard decisions to make tonight regarding John Cena, but he will create more shocking moments in WWE.

Before Barrett can leave, the RAW GM chimes in with an email. He wants to give Barrett another opportunity to shock the WWE, by facing The Big Show in the ring. Show walks out, takes the Slammy, and heads to the ring.

Match #1 – Wade Barrett vs. The Big Show

Barrett wants no part of the Big Show, ducking out of the ring. When the match finally gets underway, Show chops Barrett into the corner. Show is blinded by an eye rake, and Barrett tries to chop the big man down. Show gets mad, and starts throwing haymakers. Barrett rolls out of the ring, grabs his Slammy, and walks up the ramp. Barrett gets counted out.

Winner via countout: The Big Show

Kelly Kelly and Tyson Kidd present the next award, but first Kidd introduces his bodyguard, Jackson Andrews. Kelly and Kidd trade insults before announcing the winner.

The Despicable Me Award

Cm Punk sings Happy Birthday to Rey Mysterio’s daughter

Drew McIntyre humiliates Teddy Long

Kane buries The Undertaker alive

Mr. McMahon makes truce with Bret Hart, then kicks him in the groin

Winner: CM Punk

Punk is ecstatic, running up the ramp to receive his award. Punk says he did what he did, because Mysterio wronged him. All Punk did was get even. Punk addresses another person that has does him wrong; he tells that person to watch their back.

Match #2 – Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan w/ The Bellas vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vicki Guerrero and Ted DiBiase w/ Maryse

(I’m so glad we could see the entrances before the commercial break, so we can join the match already in progress.)

After the break, Ziggler has a reverse chin lock applied to Bryan. DiBiase and Ziggler quickly tag in and out, wearing Daniel Bryan down. DiBiase shoots Bryan off the ropes, and both men collide on cross body blocks. Kofi and Dolph get the tags, as Kingston unleashes the controlled frenzy. He hits the Boom Drop and follows with Trouble in Paradise. Kofi covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan

Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella present the Guest Host Moment of the Year Slammy.

Guest Host Moment of the Year

Wayne Brady gets RKO’ed

Pee Wee Herman vs. The Miz

Mike Tyson knocks out Chris Jericho

William Shatner sings WWE entrances (I forgot how funny this was.)

Winner: Pee Wee Herman

Pee Wee Herman joins us on tape to accept his award. (Shatner got robbed!)

David Otunga and the rest of Nexus want an answer from Wade Barrett. Otunga says Nexus will be fine, while Barrett’s singles career doesn’t looks so hot after taking a hike during his match. Barrett says he knows what he has to do now.

Match #3 – Mark Henry vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes

Rhodes picks up the win after kicking Henry in the face from the turnbuckle, and then driving a knee into the spine of the World’s Strongest Man.

Winner via pinfall: “Dashing” Cody Rhodes

Jerry Lawler and Vicki Guerrero present the Holy #@$*! Move of the year.

Holy #@$*! Move

Kofi Kingston hits leg drop off ladder through the announce table

John Cena sends Batista through stage with AA off a car

John Morrison dives off stage onto Daniel Bryan and The Miz

Randy Orton delivers RKO to Evan Bourne in mid air

Winner: John Cena

Wade Barrett takes the award and says if Cena wants it he can come get it. Barrett is ready to make his decision, if the crowd will let him. Barrett wants Cena to face him in the ring. Cena emerges from the crowd, jumps the barrier, and enters the ring. Barrett tells Cena to back off, as the Nexus surrounds the ring. Barrett makes the announcement that everyone has been waiting for; Cena is rehired, on two conditions. First he must face Wade Barrett on Sunday in a chairs match, and second he must take on David Otunga. Barrett wants to show Cena why he was rehired. The Nexus hits the ring, beating down Cena. Barrett grabs a chair, bashing it across Cena’s back. The Nexus leaves Cena in the ring.

David Arquette is back at the podium to pimp whatever his new project is, oh and he is wearing an Elvis Presley jump suit. He is also presenting the Fan Reaction Slammy. I think we know where this is going. My money is on the little girl from when The Miz won the title. And she wins! The WWE actually brought her to the show with her dad to accept the award. The Miz crashes the party. He takes her Slammy and heads to the ring with Alex Riley and Arquette in tow. Miz pushes the upcoming pay per view, before getting interrupted by the GM. The Miz will face a former champion tonight, and the match begins right now.

Match #4 – The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. Rey Mysterio – Non-Title match

Miz stomps Mysterio in the corner and whips him across the ring. Rey leaps him in the corner, and then sends him to the floor with a head scissors. We go to commercial.

After the break, Mysterio connects with another head scissors, and looks for the 619, when Alberto Del Rio crashes the match. The Miz slips out of the ropes, and is able to slam Rey into the apron off the distraction. Mysterio is rolled back into the ring, but Miz can’t get the cover. Miz sets up a superplex, but Rey fights him off, knocking him to the mat. Rey hits a seated senton, and then hits a cross body. Rey rolls through a roll up, kicking Miz in the head. Rey sets up another 619, as Del Rio jumps on the apron. Rey is distracted, but Miz accidentally knocks him to the floor. Miz kicks out of a roll up, but Mysterio sets up the 619 again. Riley distracts the ref, as Del Rio trips Rey. Miz rolls up Rey into a small package and gets the win.

Winner via pinfall: The Miz

After the bell, Rey chases Del Rio to the back. The GM chimes in again, informing us that Randy Orton will take on Alex Riley and David Arquette.

Edge presents the next Slammy, but he needs a co-presenter. It has to be someone he knows and has had chemistry with. Out walks Christian.

“Oh Snap” Meltdown of the Year

Big Show destroys Jack Swagger’s trophies

Edge destroys the GM computer

Batista quits

Alberto Del Rio injures Rey Mysterio

Winner: Edge

Edge says he appreciates the Slammy, but he has always been calm. Edge starts flipping over the RAW GM, when Christian’s phone starts to blow up. Edge thinks it is the GM, but Christian was just messing with him. Edge then declares that Michael Cole is a massive tool.

Match #5 – Sheamus vs. John Morrison

Sheamus beats Morrison into the corner, but Morrison fights back as the match devolves into a slug fest. The ref loses control and calls for the bell.

Double disqualification.

The crowd wants the match to continue. The GM chimes in with an email. Sheamus and Morrison will face each other in a ladder match for the number one contender slot. Sheamus isn’t happy about it, grabbing a ladder from outside the ring and smashing Morrison in the face. Sheamus then tosses Morrison onto the ladder outside the ring.

JTG and William Regal present the Knucklehead Moment of the Year.

Knucklehead Moment of the Year

Big Show unmasks CM Punk

Mae Young beats Lay-Cool

Beth Phoenix eliminates The Great Khali from the Royal Rumble

Vladimir Kozlov out dances Santino Marella

Winner: Lay-Cool

I don’t think Layla and Michelle McCool get that this isn’t a good thing.

Match #6 - Diva Battle Royal – Diva of the Year

(Yea, whatever. As long as Eve doesn’t win, her dancing is so bad that she should be disqualified from winning.)

Lay-Cool gets beat down to start the match, but they don’t get eliminated.

Winner and Diva of the Year: Michelle McCool

The RAW GM rains on the parade with another email. Lay-Cool will face Natalya and Beth Phoenix in a tag team tables match.

Match #7 – Edge vs. Jack Swagger

So we have a Smackdown match on RAW? Edge counters a powerbomb, and then spears Swagger to get the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Edge

Alex Riley is worried about his tag team partner, and David Arquette doesn’t help his cause. The Miz tells Riley he has one goal, to put Randy Orton through a table.

The Big Show presents WWE Moment of the Year.

WWE Moment of the Year

John Cena free or fired

Sheamus attacks Triple H

Edge spears Jericho through security barrier

The Undertaker streak vs. Shawn Michaels career

Winner: Undertaker vs. HBK

Shawn Michaels sends his thanks via a taped segment.

Match #8 – Randy Orton vs. Alex Riley and David Arquette – 2 on 1 Handicap Match

Orton explodes into Riley with a clothesline. He whips Riley into the corner, but runs into a boot. Arquette gets the tag, and he goes down. He quickly tags Riley back in. Orton hits a back breaker. Riley catches Orton with a knee in the gut, and then pounds Orton in the corner. Arquette then chokes Orton behind the ref's back. Orton recovers with a clothesline and a scoop slam. After a suplex, Orton hits the RKO and covers Riley to get he win.

Winner via pinfall: Randy Orton

After the bell, Miz attacks Orton, smacking him with the MitB briefcase. Arquette helps Miz set up a table in the ring, but Orton block the suplex. The Miz gets away, but Arquette isn’t so lucky. Orton drives him through the table with a power bomb, sending a message to The Miz.

Michael Cole walks out to present the “...and I quote...” line of the year.

Winner: Michael Cole

Cole says he is shocked, but he does have a speech written. Thankfully the music cuts him off.

Teddy Long presents the nominees for WWE Superstar of the Year as voted on by the fans.

Superstar of the Year

Edge

The Miz

John Cena

Randy Orton

Kane

Rey Mysterio

John Cena

John Cena thanks the fans for not giving up on him. And thanks New Orleans for showing him one heck of a party. Cena announces he is back full time on RAW, and will continue to be a man of his word. He has to get to two more members of the Nexus, and tonight David Otunga will get hurt. Then at TLC Cena will unleash on Wade Barrett.

Match #9 – John Cena vs. David Otunga

Before the match starts, Barrett reminds Cena what happened earlier tonight. Otunga heads to the ring, leaving the rest of Nexus on the stage. Otunga looks on in disbelief as Nexus returns to the locker room. Cena pulls Otunga into the ring and levels him with a clothesline. Cena follows with a body slam, and then whips Otunga into the corner. Otunga mounts some offense with punches, and then a back elbow. Cena drops Otunga with toe hold and locks in the STF. Otunga taps.

Winner via submission: John Cena

After the bell, Cena assaults Otunga with a chair. Wade Barrett just watches as Otunga pleads for help. Cena beats Otunga out of the ring as the show ends.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003.