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Smackdown: Personal - but not sibling - rivalries set aside
By DAVE HILLHOUSE -- SLAM! Wrestling


Edmonton, AB, is certainly accustomed to seeing greatness stand before them: the Oilers, the Eskimos, and, of course, the West Edmonton Mall. So, coming from a city with such high standards, how do the teams for Raw and Smackdown measure up heading into Bragging Rights? Plus, both brands pit their top champions against each other.

Both teams are assembled in the ring, and both really do feature a strong pedigree with several multiple former World Champions. Teddy Long is in the ring as well to announce that he’s taking the night off and letting the wrestlers pick their own matches. Instead of listing the pairings made for you right here, let’s just get to the matches themselves.

Match #1 – Big Show, Rey Mysterio, & Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz, Sheamus, & Ezekial Jackson (w/ Alex Riley)

The bout opens with Sheamus and Rey Mysterio, with Sheamus taking the clear upper hand. The Celtic Warrior’s partners each tag in at times to take their turn at dominating first Mysterio, and then Kingston as well. With The Miz in the ring, though, Kingston tags in his team captain, Big Show, who cleans house of all Raw members. He finishes with a chokeslam, then tags in Mysterio to splash The Miz off of Big Show’s shoulder for the win.

Winners via pinfall: Big Show, Rey Mysterio, & Kofi Kingston

Backstage, Josh Matthews is with Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero to ask about the Intercontinental Champion’s match against Daniel Bryan on Sunday. Ziggler, for his part, is sporting a nearly “Perfect” ponytail to further look the part of champion. He likens a match against Bryan as a college football team taking on the Super Bowl champion. Someone could have given him the heads-up to go for a hockey reference instead (or at least go with the Grey Cup champion).

Match #2 – Jack Swagger (w/ The Swagger Soaring Eagle) vs. Santino Marella

Marella actually tries a takedown early on, but is repelled easily by Swagger. Marella is knocked to the outside, where the Swagger Soaring Eagle looks to insert himself in the match. Team Smackdown’s mascot Hornswoggle, though, arrives to even the odds. Marella lands the Cobra on the Eagle, and Hornswoggle follows with a splash off the steps. Through all this, Swagger has been waiting patiently for Marella to return where he clamps on the ankle lock for the submission win.

Winner via submission: Jack Swagger

Dashing Cody Rhodes has this advice for us: make sure to use lip balm to avoid dry, cracked lips – and don’t be afraid to wear a little lip gloss at bedtime. He says this is the final step on the road to being dashing – could this be the end of the promos?

Match #3 – Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison

Del Rio sports his trademark, unimpressed look as Morrison enters the ring. He overpowers Morrison early and never really lets him get his offence going. The end comes quickly as Del Rio gets his knees up to block Starship Pain, followed by the cross arm-breaker for the submission win.

Winner via submission: Alberto Del Rio

Match #4 – Edge vs. CM Punk

Imagine seeing Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee face each other in Game One of the World Series (it could still happen). Imagine watching Wayne Gretzky take on buckets of cash. Edge and CM Punk, traded for each other between Raw and Smackdown, look to prove which brand won the transaction. The match starts slowly with chinlocks and headlocks before Edge misses an attack and hurts his midsection against the ropes. CM Punk takes full advantage and nearly hits the GTS, but Edge counters and sets up in the corner for the spear. This match doesn’t finish, though, as The Miz and Alex Riley pull Edge out of the ring.

Winner via disqualification: Edge

After the bell, every single member of both teams arrive and get a chance to deliver their finisher on someone. It actually looks like a Royal Rumble match from one of WWE’s video games. It all finishes where it started, with Edge landing a spear on CM Punk.

Match #5 – Laycool (Michelle McCool and Layla) vs. Natalya & Kelly Kelly

Laycool are in the ring first, with McCool dressed as Bret Hart and Layla as a cross between Natalya and Jim Neidhart. The Co-Women’s Champions keep on their garb during the match, a match that Kelly Kelly watches in its entirety from the apron. McCool can’t pull Layla away from the Sharpshooter and Natalya gets the win.

Winner via submission: Natalya

Match #6 – Kane (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Randy Orton (WWE Champion)

The match starts slowly, with careful posturing by both champs. Kane attacks first, and tries a Tombstone Piledriver only a few moments in. Orton escapes, and he tries his RKO to counter, but Kane rolls out of the ring. Coming back from the break, Kane is wearing Orton down and focusing his power on Orton’s back. An impressive scoop slam gets Orton back into the match and he tries again for an RKO, but gets a boot to his face instead. Kane is ready to deliver the chokeslam, but the lights go out with The Undertaker’s bell tolling. With the lights back on, there’s no Undertaker, but a coiled Orton delivering his RKO for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Randy Orton

The bell tolls again and Kane looks around frantically for his brother. Undertaker goes deep into his repertoire of creepy tricks and breaks through the ring, dragging Kane back down with him, screaming all the way.

Dave Hillhouse is a screenwriter and teacher, and will answer the questions for you here: Halladay beats Lee and money beats Gretzky.