RAW: Ochocinco plays RAW Roulette
DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling
Monday Night RAW is rolling out RAW Roulette tonight, since they are in Las Vegas. What? They’re not. Okay, RAW is in Reno, Nevada then. No. Then where is RAW tonight? Cincinnati, Ohio. Really? Well, I guess they are trotting out this gimmick since there aren’t any more guest hosts. What’s that? Chad Ochocinco of the Cincinnati Bengals is hosting tonight. I give up.
The show kicks off with said roulette wheel. John Cena spins to find out what kind of match he will have with Randy Orton. Cena lands on tables. Josh Matthews reminds Cena that the last time he was in a tables match he lost the WWE Title. Cena thanks him for bringing that up, but says it’s a new season for RAW.
Chad Ochocinco is introduced to the ring, and the Cincinnati crowd goes crazy. (Even though the Bengals lost yesterday.) Number 85 welcomes the crowd to the season premiere of Monday Night RAW, and calls himself the most handsome guest host ever. Unfortunately, Chad is interrupted by The Miz, who does welcome him to RAW. Miz lists how they are a lot alike, until The Miz realizes that he is a champ, something Ochocinco will never be because he plays for the Bengals. Chad defends the Cincinnati sports scene, and says he is going to get a Super Bowl championship this year. The Miz’s catchphrase is interrupted by an email from the GM. Michael Cole tells us the GM wants the wheel spun to determine what type of match The Miz will be in. It lands on submission. The GM grants Ochocinco the task of choosing Miz’s opponent. He picks Daniel Bryan.
Match #1a – The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. Daniel Bryan – Submission Match
We join the match in progress after the commercial break. Miz works over the leg of Bryan, and then locks in a figure four. Bryan reverses it and Miz breaks free. Bryan looks for the Lebell lock, but Miz grabs the ropes. He then escapes to the floor, and looks to be in pain. He grabs a mic, saying he has a hernia. The Miz backs out of the match, claiming he wants to save himself for Sunday at Night of Champions. Miz won’t concede the loss, and tells Bryan to take on Alex Riley.
Match #1b – Alex Riley vs. Daniel Bryan – Submission Match
Bryan counters a submission from Riley and applies the Lebell Lock. Riley taps.
Winner via pinfall: Daniel Bryan
The bell is still ringing as Miz leaps into the ring and pummels Bryan. He rubs the belt in his face, but Bryan is able to apply the Lebell Lock, and Miz taps in the middle of the ring. Bryan finally breaks the hold at the request of the ref.
Jillian Hall is excited to spin the wheel with Edge. The wheel is still spinning as we go to break.
Match #2 – Edge vs. Evan Bourne – Body Slam Challenge
Edge quickly picks Bourne up, but he floats over. Bourne gets caught in the corner, but holds onto the ropes and drops to the mat. Bourne catches Edge with a kick to the face. Edge plays possum on the mat, hitting Bourne with the Edge-o-matic. He picks Bourne up and slams him to the mat to get the win.
After the bell, Edge spears Bourne. Edge gets an email from the GM. He wants to see Edge compete in another match since he took advantage of Bourne after the bell. Mark Henry walks out.
Match #3 – Edge vs. Mark Henry – Body Slam Challenge
Edge dodges a corner charge, but when he tries to pick the 400 pounder up, Edge falls to mat. Henry picks him up and slams him for the win.
Winner: Mark Henry
Match #3 – Ted DiBiase and Maryse vs. R-Truth and Eve – Song and Dance Match
To quote The Miz, “REALLY?!?” One member sings while the other dances. Truth’s music starts to play, but he says it’s time for something new. Truth breaks off some lyrics, but Eve can’t really dance. (Maybe she needs a pole?)
Ted DiBiase threatens to forfeit, but he calls for a spotlight. He can’t sing, and he is butchering Sinatra. At least Maryse is a somewhat better dancer.
Maryse and DiBiase attack their opponents, but Eve and Truth are able to fight them off. Truth celebrates by rapping some more.
William Regal spins the wheel and lands on trading places. Ochocinco tells him he has to dress like his opponent. Regal wonders who his opponent is, and Goldust appears behind him.
The WWE champ, Sheamus, drops in. Chad tells him that if John Morrison beats him tonight, he gets the open spots in the six pack challenge, and according to the wheel, it will be a “Falls Count Anywhere” Match. Sheamus says he will maul Morrison like the Patriots mauled the Bengals yesterday.
Zach Ryder asks Edge what he ever did to the GM. Edge calls Ryder a tool, again, and says he doesn’t even know the GM. Edge says he will win the WWE title, which Sheamus doesn’t like.
John Morrison warms up for matches by doing parkour in the back.
Match #4 – Sheamus vs. John Morrison – Falls Count Anywhere
Sheamus stomps away at Morrison and then shoots him off the ropes. Morrison slides under a kick, and responds with a drop kick. Morrison goes to the floor, and then pulls Sheamus out of the ring with a head scissors. Morrison is slammed into the security barrier. Sheamus charges, but Morrison backdrops him over the barrier. Morrison then leaps over the barrier to hit a cross body. Morrison covers and Sheamus kicks out. The champ hits a back breaker, and then looks to kick Morrison into some equipment. The fight spills to the stage. Morrison is slammed on the steel, and then flipped off the stage. Morrison lands on his feet, and Sheamus is stunned. Morrison connects with the flash kick, and covers. Sheamus kicks out at two. Morrison drops out of a suplex, and disappears behind the Titantron. Sheamus waits for him to emerge, but instead Morrison climbs the scaffolding and hits a cross body from a top the set. Sheamus kicks out. Chris Jericho walks out and slams Morrison with a chair. Sheamus covers and gets the win, as Chris Jericho sits in the ring.
Winner via pinfall: Sheamus
Chris Jericho is still in the ring after the break. Jericho says he isn’t going anywhere until he gets what he wants. He wants to get back into the six pack challenge or he is going to quit. He will go home and watch the WWE go up in flames. Jericho tells the GM that he will track him down and expose him to the world. Jericho gets an answer, and tells Cole to shut up and read the email. The GM tells Jericho there is no chance that his tactics will work. No chance in hell. Jericho calls the bluff of the GM, knowing that the GM is not Vince McMahon. Jericho gets a response, and once again tells Cole to shut up. The GM tells Jericho that he will make the six pack challenge an elimination match, and Jericho is back in it. Jericho guarantees he will be the new WWE champion. The GM says Jericho is back in provided he wins his match, a handicapped match versus The Hart Dynasty. This match will also be a steel cage match. Jericho goes off on Cole.
Match #5 – Chris Jericho vs. The Hart Dynasty – Steel Cage Match
We join this match in progress after the commercials. Jericho is double teamed, and Tyson Kidd and David Hart Smith climb the cage. Hart escapes, but Jericho catches Kidd. Jericho kicks him in the face. Jericho goes to the door, and Kidd tries to escape through Jericho’s legs. Chris catches him easily, and slams him in the middle of the ring. Jericho is whipped into the corner, but he uses the momentum to climb the cage. Kidd catches him, and throws him to the mat. Jericho catches Kidd coming off the turnbuckle, and applies the Walls. Kidd counters into the Sharp Shooter, but Jericho breaks the hold. Kidd tries a head scissors off the turnbuckle, but Jericho counters, slamming his head into the mat. Jericho applies the Walls, and Kidd taps.
Winner via submission: Chris Jericho
Match #6 – William Regal vs. Goldust – Trading Places Match
Regal is none too happy to be in this match, but he does imitate Goldust. The real Goldust pulls a play out of Regal’s playbook. He pulls out the brass knucks, knocking regal out. Goldust covers for the win.
Winner via pinfall: Goldust
Chad Ochocinco names himself as the special guest ring announcer for the next match.
Match #7 – Randy Orton vs. John Cena – Tables Match
Cena and Orton lock up. Cena is knocked to the mat with a shoulder block. Orton smashes Cena into the turnbuckle, as the crowd chants for an RKO. Orton sets a table up on the floor, but cannot flip Cena over the ropes. Cena pushes Orton off the apron, but the Viper lands on his feet. We go to commercial.
After the break, Orton stomps away at Cena on the mat. Cena is on the apron, and Orton tries to knock him off into a table. Cena holds on, and fights back. Both men take each other down at the same time with clothesline. Cena gets to his feet and looks for the Attitude Adjustment, Orton counters with a DDT, and then brings a table into the ring. The table is set in the corner. Cena hits a shoulder tackle and then a sidewalk slam. He follows with the five knuckle shuffle, and sets up the AA. Orton escapes and hits a clothesline. Cena hits a drop toe hold and locks in the STF. Nexus runs in, breaking up the hold. They put the boots to Cena, as Orton hits Tarver with an RKO. Cena hits Otunga with an Attitude Adjustment, and then sends Heath Slater though a table. Gabriel and Barrett beat down Orton, and Barrett then slams Cena with the Wasteland. They set up a table so Gabriel can hit the 450 on Cena. Orton pushes Gabriel off, sending him crashing to the floor. Barrett hits Orton with a big boot, and picks him up to hit the Wasteland though a table on the outside. Orton slips out of the hold, and tosses Barrett over the ropes and through a table. Orton turns his attention back to Cena, stalking his prey. Edge and Jericho run in and beat on Orton, who fights back. He beats Edge into the corner, and then blocks a Code Breaker. Orton sidesteps Edge, who spears Jericho through a table. Sheamus runs in, and takes out Orton. Sheamus drags Cena to the outside, but Cena is able to hit a Attitude Adjustment. Back in the ring, Cena picks up Orton for the AA through a table, but Orton counters into an RKO. Cena crashes through the table, and Orton wins.
Winner: Randy Orton
Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003.