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RAW: Don't Hassel the Hoff
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


Last time Monday Night Raw went to England, native son, Ricky Hatton hosted. Tonight, London gets ... David Hasselhoff? If RAW was in Berlin, I could see it, because Germans love David Hasselhoff. And as always, the European shows are “live” on tape.

David Hasselhoff enters the arena behind the wheel of KITT from Knight Rider, with the theme music playing. (And I just marked out harder for a guest host then I have for any wrestler in the past five years. What does that say?) The crowd is chanting, “Hoff, Hoff, Hoff!” The Hoff makes his way to the ring. (How long has it been since the guest host kicked off the show? This is a very nice change of pace.) The Hoff is joined in the ring by four lovely ladies, and he starts to pump up the crowd. He announces a Baywatch Babe Triple Threat tag team match, and I’m way on board. Hoff has realized that there is no number one contender for the World Heavyweight Title, so he books Randy Orton to face Jack Swagger at Extreme Rules.

Match #1 – Eve vs. Maryse – Divas Championship Match

Maryse starts off with a stiff slap, and then rolls out of the ring. Eve takes the bait, and Maryse roughs her up on the apron. Eve hits a neck breaker, but misses on the moonsault. Maryse laughs are her opponent, gets up, and sets up the French Kiss DDT. Eve blocks, counters and rolls up Maryse for the three count. Eve is your new Divas Champion.

Winner via pinfall: Eve

The Unified Tag Team champions hit the ring. Show tells Miz he was skeptical of their chance, but since they have won the belts, won at Wrestlemania, and have successfully defended the belts he believes. The Miz says they are the greatest tag team ever, but Bret Hart has something to say about that. Hart says the Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs were better than ShoMiz. Hart points out these teams were great for years. Miz calls Hart delusional. Show tells him to back off, but Hart doesn’t want to leave. He calls out a tag team that can beat them. The Hart Dynasty walks down the ramp.

The Miz wants no part of The Dynasty, so DH Smith issues a one on one challenge to The Miz. If Smith wins, The Hart Dynasty gets a title shot at Extreme Rules. Miz and Show talk it over, and although Show doesn’t like it, Miz accepts the challenge. One condition, though, if Miz wins Bret Hart must declare ShoMiz is the greatest tag team of all time. The Dynasty accepts.

Match #2 – DH Smith vs. The Miz

Miz runs into a shoulder block and Smith slams him into the corner. Miz gets back dropped and then beat on the ropes. With the ref distracted Natalya slaps Miz, and DH follows with a delayed vertical suplex. The Miz runs Smith into the turnbuckle, but can’t get the pin with an elbow off the top rope. Miz slaps on a chin lock. Smith breaks the hold by slamming Miz into the corner. Smith builds momentum with clothesline and a scoop slam. Miz hits a clothesline in the corner, and climbs the turnbuckle. Smith catches Miz coming off the top turnbuckle with a kick to the jaw. DH locks in the Sharpshooter, but Show climbs up on the apron, and Smith breaks the hold. Show takes out Tyson Kidd on the outside, and rolls him into the ring. With the ref distracted, Show punches Smith in the ribs, allowing The Miz to hit the Skull Crusher. Miz covers for the win.

Winner: The Miz

NXT Rookie David Otunga is hanging out backstage with Batista. The rook is impressed with what The Animal did to Cena last week. Batista says he needs an energy boost and ask Otunga to get his steroids ... sorry, I mean, get him a coffee. Otunga thinks he’s kidding, but decides to get one anyway. Otunga runs into The Hoff, who chews on the scenery, but in the process he tells Otunga that he will have to face John Cena in the ring tonight. KITT estimates the match will be over in 22 seconds. Otunga just learned you don’t Hassel the Hoff.

Match #3 – Evan Bourne vs. Carlito

Carlito slams Bourne to the mat and stomps away at him. Bourne then runs into a kick coming off the ropes. Bourne ducks the springboard back elbow, and connects with a head scissors that tosses Carlito into the corner. Bourne follows with a low drop kick. Carlito recovers with a hip toss into the turnbuckle. Bourne counters a backstabber off the top turnbuckle, and then connects with Air Bourne for the win.

Winner via countout: Evan Bourne

Match #4 – John Cena vs. David Otunga w/ Batista

Batista stands atop the ramp, for now. Cena dusts off his mat wrestling skills to start the match. The champ snaps Otunga over and slaps on a chin lock. Cena peppers Otunga with punches, before hitting a back suplex. Cena tosses Otunga aside, and calls for The Animal. Otunga gets to his feet, only to be leveled by a Cena clothesline. The champ locks in the STF, as he stares down Batista. Otunga taps and Cena wants a piece of Big Dave. Batista rips his shirt off, but never heads to the ring.

Winner via submission: John Cena

Sheamus heads to the ring, and says Triple H is scared of him because he broke out the sledge hammer. Sheamus then informs us that the match at Extreme Rules will be a street fight. And if Hunter even shows up it will be a mistake. Sheamus’ posing is interrupted by Kofi Kingston, who wants a piece of the Irishman. Sheamus tells Kofi to take a hike, but the Hoff has scheduled a rematch, right now.

Match #5 – Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston

Kofi sidesteps a corner charge, but Sheamus slaps on a head lock. Kofi is shot off the ropes, and runs into a shoulder. Kofi responds with kicks, and sends Sheamus to the floor. Kofi connects with a missile drop kick, but Sheamus hits a double axe handle. Kofi runs into a slam, but blocks a suplex off the apron. Kofi connect with a roundhouse and a drop kick; he follows with the Boom Drop. Kofi looks for Trouble in Paradise, and connects after ducking the bicycle kick. Kofi covers, but Sheamus grabs the ropes to break the pin. Sheamus rolls to the floor, and smashes Kofi with a monitor from the announce table.

Winner via DQ: Kofi Kingston

After the bell, Sheamus smashes Kofi into the ring post. And then hits the bicycle kick as Kofi lays on the apron.

Carlito is looking for Hasselhoff, wanting a rematch, but instead finds Vladimir Kozlov, who wants some competition. Carlito says he will leave for Smackdown! Next week’s guests are the stars of McGruber (just Google it) and Kozlov says he will destroy McGruber if he doesn’t get what he wants.

Josh Matthews asks Orton about his strategy facing Swagger at Extreme Rules. Orton says there are no rules and he is fine with that; he is the last man that Swagger wants to step in the ring with. Tonight, though, Batista is something completely different. Orton has been looking forward to this for a very long time.

Match #6 – Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. The Bella Twins vs. Jillian Hall and Rosa Mendes – Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team Match

David Hasselhoff is the special guest lifeguard for this match, and yes the Divas are sporting the Baywatch-style swimsuits. And in a not-so-surprising twist, Santino is the guest referee. The Brits love Santino! Although, Santino is having trouble keeping control, and the Bellas switch in the ring, allowing one of the Bellas to roll up Jillian for the win.

Winner via pinfall: The Bella Twins

After the bell, Jillian slaps Santino, causing him to swallow his whistle and pass out. Have no fear, Hornswoggle is on the job. Instead of CPR, Horny hits the tadpole splash, and out comes the whistle. The Hoff gives the little guy a big thumbs up, and Hornswoggle celebrates with the Divas. Santino shows his appreciation, too.

Match #7 – Randy Orton vs. Batista

Orton and Batista lock up and the ref calls for a clean break. Orton with a headlock and then beats Batista out of the ring. Orton connects with a chop block and stomps away at the Animal. Orton misses the knee drop, and slams Orton into the ring post.

After the break, Orton is smashed into the turnbuckle. Batista kicks Orton in the head on the apron. Batista connects with a clothesline, and hits the floor, tearing apart the announce table. He drags Orton out, but Orton is able to smash Batista into the table. Back in the ring, Batista catches Orton with a boot to the head. Orton counters the spear with a kick, and he drives Batista into the ring post. Orton floats over Batista, pushes him off the ropes, and hits a scoop slam. Orton looks for the punt, but Batista rolls out of the ring. Orton catches The Animal coming back into the ring, and hits the elevated DDT. Batista kicks out of the pin at two. Orton stalks his prey, but Batista blocks the RKO and hits a spine buster. The Animal goes for the Batista Bomb, but Orton counters with an RKO. Orton covers, but Jack Swagger runs in and hits Orton with a gut wrench power bomb. The ref calls for the bell.

Winner via DQ: Randy Orton

Swagger heads back up the ramp, only to get clocked by Cena, who has his sights set on Batista. Cena locks in an STF, and it takes four refs to break the hold.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale is disappointed by the lack of WWE Draft Guides on the newsstands. Keep updated on his WWE draft ratings by following him on Twitter @DPlummer627.