April 5, 2010
Impact: Knockouts tease, Lockdown teams seethe
By BOB KAPUR - SLAM! Wrestling
With regular TNA iMPACT reporter Nick Tylwalk cheering on his Blue Devils in the NCAA finals, it falls on me to handle the report tonight. Tonight's episode is entitled "Advantage: Team Flair", which, with only two weeks to go until the Lockdown pay-per-view, suggests things are coming to a boil tonight. And speaking of hot, tonight will also feature a striptease from one of the Knockouts!
The show kicks off with a video package hyping the upcoming Lethal Lockdown match. Last week, Jeff Jarrett was announced as the second man on Team Hogan, joining the monster, Abyss.
We then head backstage where Christy Hemme runs down tonight’s Knockout Lockbox challenge match. I didn’t get all the stipulations, since my mind stopped when Christy said that one of the women will have to strip down to their bra and panties. The Beautiful People then came out to be interviewed, ending with Lacey coming out in a towel. This could be the greatest episode of anything ever in the history of the world.
The already-announced members of Team Hogan -- Jeff Jarrett and Abyss -- come to the ring with the Hulkster, and trash talk Team Flair. This brings out the Nature Boy and his team consisting of Desmond Wolfe, Beer Money, and Sting. Hogan tells Flair that he will reveal the other Team Hogan members later on tonight. Team Flair head down the ramp to attack, but instead of a fight, Jarrett is looking for an answer from Sting as to why he's turned his back on his friends and fans. Sting laughs, Jeff slaps him, Sting drops him with the Scorpion Death Drop, and the fight is on. Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam come down through the crowd to even the odds, and they're announced as the other members of Team Hogan.
Match 1: Rob Van Dam vs. James Storm
Rob Van Dam takes control early with kicks, but Storm stops him on the outside, catching him in a baseball slide dropkick, and swinging him into the barricade. Storm then takes a page out of Randy Orton’s playbook, and hits RVD with an elevated DDT off the middle rope. RVD recovers with a spin kick and a Rolling Thunder. Storm catches RVD with an enziguri and follows up with the Eye of the Storm. RVD hits a huge desperation kick, and follows it up with the split-legged moonsault to get the pin. After the match, Storm smashes a beer bottle over RVD’s head. A host of security keeps Storm at bay, while we abruptly go to a commercial. After the break, Jeff Hardy comes to check on RVD, but Robert Roode sneaks into the ring and lays out Hardy with a spinebuster. Advantage: Team Flair.
Backstage, Christy is interviewing the Knockouts involved in the match later on tonight. Besides the striptease, the other lockboxes hold Tara’s spider Poison, Tara's Knockouts title, and a contract for any match against anyone in the company at any time.
Match 2: Homicide vs “The Freak” Rob Terry - Global Championship match
Homicide tries to use his quickness, but a series of power moves by Terry puts down the challenger in short order. After the match, Homicide hits Terry with a chair to the back and to the head, splitting open Terry, but to little effect. Orlando Jordan comes to the entrance ramp wearing some kind of mask and pouring some kind of lotion over himself, but after a few seconds of that with no explanation, they cut to commercial.
Backstage, the Beautiful People are stretching. Awesome.
Match 3: Tara, Angelina Love, ODB & Hamada vs The Beautiful People and Daffney - Knockouts Lockbox Showdown
This is an elimination tag team match. If you get a pinfall, both participants are eliminated, with the winner of the fall getting a lockbox. Tara strikes first blood with a Widow’s Peak on Madison Rayne, earning herself a key. Back from a commercial, we're shown that Daffney had pinned Hamada during the break. Taz just said there were a lot of boxes out here, which sent me into a Beavis-like snickering fit. Velvet Sky hits a DDT to pin ODB, and we’re down to Lacey and Angelina Love. They announce the ladder match between Kennedy and Angle is coming up next to counter the start of RAW (okay, they didn’t say that last part). Angelina pins Lacey to get the final key.
Match 4: Kurt Angle vs Mr. Anderson - Ladder Match
The winner of this match gets the key to the cage for the match between these two at Lockdown, which can only be won by escaping the cage. Early into the match, Anderson sets up a ladder in the corner, but Angle makes him pay with an over-the-top belly to back suplex onto it. Anderson shoves the ladder into a charging Angle, and then tries to make his way to the key. Anderson has the key in his hands, but Angle pulls him down with an Angle Slam. Angle does a better job of stalling than Anderson, and he only gets near the top, before Anderson runs in and pushes the ladder over, sending Angle landing hard on the floor in a great-looking bump. Again, Anderson has nearly unhooked the belt, but Angle comes off the top, dropkicking over the ladder. Angle lays Anderson on top of a ladder, and then hits a huge moonsault - ouch! Angle rams Anderson’s shoulder into the corner and then heads to the ropes. Anderson sees Angle’s medal hanging from the turnbuckle, and grabs the chain to use it to choke Angle as he’s climbing the ladder. Angle tries to fight the effect of the choke, but eventually succumbs to the lack of oxygen and falls off the ladder, allowing Anderson to retrieve the key. Clever finish.
Backstage, Jeremy Borash interviews Hulk Hogan, snitching on Eric Bischoff’s antics from last week to Hogan. Hogan tells JB that what happens between him and Bischoff stays between the two of them. Then, that idiot Bubba the Love Sponge comes in, and I mute the TV. I can’t stand that d-bag. After he leaves, Jay Lethal says something to Hogan about the MegaPowers. Then, Bubba the D-Bag is shown in the Band’s locker room.
Backstage, Christy Hemme is interviewing Matt Morgan, who now refers to himself in the plural form “we” and says that he, I mean they, are the tag team champions. They will be defending the belts next week against the winners of the next match.
Match 5: Motor City Machine Guns vs Team 3-D
This is a rematch from Explosion where both teams got simultaneous pins over the other (I guess either the concept of “legal men” doesn’t mean anything, or else it was a Texas Tornado style match). Team 3-D does a good job of slowing down the offense of the Guns in the early moments, but soon, the Guns are back firing on full pistons. They nearly get the pin, but they fail to see a blind tag, and get flattened. Devon goes for a table, but then the Band come to the ring and lay out both teams, leading to match being thrown out.
Back from commercial, and Bubba joins the Band in the ring. At this point, I’m tempted to switch over to Gossip Girl, but he doesn’t take the mic, so I don’t. Nash says that they are running the show, and that they are Hulk Hogan’s worst nightmare.
Backstage, JB is with Pope D’Angelo Dinero. Funny, despite the name, I'm sensing that Pope isn't really Italian. Pope says he will beat AJ Styles for the title at Lockdown. Desmond Wolfe interrupts him, and says that after he beat Pope last time, he should be getting the title shot at the PPV. Pope agrees, and puts up his title shot in their match tonight.
In the ring, X-Division champion (and my current favourite TNA star) Doug Williams says that the days of the acrobatic X-Division stars are over. He says that the X-Division stars should go back to wrestling school and learn technical wrestling. He then asks to be referred to as Douglas Williams “The Finest Thing Alive”. He then calls out his opponents in a gauntlet match, Jeremy and Matt Buck, aka Generation Me.
Match 6: Doug Williams vs Generation Me - Gauntlet Match
Jeremy flips and flops and nearly gets a win, but Williams hits his Chaos Theory (rolling German) suplex for the quick pin. Matt Buck fares a little better with some quick moves, but as he’s climbing to the top, Williams kicks the top rope, knocking him down. Williams then clamps on a guillotine choke for the win. He holds it too long after the bell, and Shannon Moore runs in for the save. Moore says there’s no room for boring wrestlers like Williams in the X-Division, and challenges Williams to a title match at Lockdown on April 18, notwithstanding that Kaz is already the number one contender.
Backstage, Team 3-D tells Christy Hemme that they want to take on the Wolfpack next week. Interestingly, the two teams have never met in the ring before.
Match 7: Desmond Wolfe vs Pope D’Angelo Dinero
Wolfe slows down Pope right away with an armbar takedown, then sets up Pope for a Tower of London, which Pope escapes. Pope with a huge slap, and follows that up with a falling DDE (essentially, a CodeBreaker) for a very quick pinfall victory. After the match, AJ Styles ambushes Pope on the ramp, and hits him with the Styles Clash in the ring. Abyss storms in for the save, but Wolfe recovers and it’s a two on one attack. Wolfe gets a fire extinguisher and clobbers Abyss with it. Advantage: Team Flair.
Jeremy Borash is with the Knockouts Lockbox key-holders to see who wins what. Velvet Sky opens up hers first. Pease, God, let it be the striptease. No such luck. She wins the open contract to wrestle anyone she wants at any time with any stipulation she chooses. Tara is up next and as the current Knockout champion, she has the most to lose. She opens up her lockbox, and it’s bittersweet. She gets back Poison, her spider, but that means she loses the Knockouts title. Angelina Love and Daffney are left. They open them up simultaneously, and it’s Love that gets the title. JB then tells Daffney she has to perform the striptease in the ring or be fired. She half-heartedly goes into the ring and grudgingly starts. Before she can remove anything but her hat, Lacey comes to the ring wearing baby doll lingerie, and starts a striptease of her own. Hooray! Instead of sticking on that, though, the cameras switch to Love and Tara fighting it out. Boo! They roll into the ring and fight while Lacey continues her striptease. Hooray! Then Velvet Sky interrupts (Boo!) and announces that she is cashing in her match to challenge Angelina in a Leather and Lace title match for the Knockouts Title next week. Sadly, the segment ends with Lacey only partially unclad before the show comes to an end.
Bob Kapur needs a cold shower. When he's done, e-mail him at email@example.com.