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RAW: A bad trip on the Road to Wrestlemania
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


We’re on the Road to Wrestlemania, and who does WWE tab to hosts tonight’s show, building up to the biggest even of the year? Cheech and Chong. That’s right, Tommy Chong and Cheech Marin, the stoner comedy buddies from the SEVENTIES! Sure they’re done other projects since, but does anyone under the age of 40 really want to see these guys?

Shawn Michaels starts off the show from Oklahoma City. HBK tells the crowd that the locker room thinks he is crazy for putting his career on the line. No one in the back believes he can beat The Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but Shawn believes he can. He then offers an opportunity for his peers to come out and look him in the eye, and tell him he can’t win. Triple H comes out, but instead of truly supporting HBK, he says they have a tag team title match later.

Cheech and Chong are impressed how their office has been decorated. The Bellas Twins stop in and want free tickets their current tour. (They’re on tour, that’s news to me.) The Bellas offer to give Cheech and tour, but Tommy wants to rest. Hornswoggle stops by with some Lucky Charms, and things get stupid.

Match #1 – Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase

Orton beats DiBiase into the corner, and then takes him down with a clothesline. DiBiase backs Orton into the corner, and then shoulders him in the gut. DiBiase dumps Orton out of the ring, but Orton recovers and slams Ted off the ring post.

After the break, DiBiase throws Orton into the corner and kicks him in the head. DiBiase applies a chin lock, but Orton breaks free. DiBiase catches him with a clothesline off the ropes. Orton and DiBiase trade punches, until Ted gains the upper hand. Orton turns the tables with a scoop slam, and stomps away at Dibiase. Orton stalks Ted, when Cody Rhodes runs to the apron. Orton swings at him and misses, allowing Ted get a roll up. Orton counters into the pin, but Rhodes jumps in to make the save. The ref calls for the bell, disqualifying DiBiase.

Winner via DQ: Randy Orton

Orton overcomes the odds, fighting off Legacy after an early beat down.

Bret Hart arrives at the arena.

Tommy is in the back with Eve, when Cheech comes in and wants to know why Tommy is back on the sugar. And he isn’t caressing Eve, but William Regal. Hornswoggle comes back in and pushes his “Lucky Charms” on Cheech.

Match #2 – Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella - Money in the Bank Qualifier

Santino mounts some early offense, but Swagger blocks a hip toss, and counters into a gut wrench powerbomb. Swagger covers Santino and gets the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Jack Swagger

John Cena addresses the claim that he was robbed of the WWE Title. Cena says it was business, and he did not get screwed. The next night things got personal, though, and Cena can’t figure out why. But he knows he has to pay Batista back, and he wants to do it right now.

The champ walks out, but not before his bodyguards line the stage. Cena is quite amused with the spectacle, and can’t believe Batista is rolling with security. Batista says they are here to protect Cena. Batista said he did what he did because he wants Cena at Wrestlemania. Batista says he and Cena are the biggest stars since the Attitude Era, they both won title at Wrestlemania 21, but Cena has been labeled the face of WWE. (Awwww ... Batista’s jealous. And he’s really whiney about it too.) Batista tells Cena he can’t stand him. Cena says things worked out for him because he worked his butt off. Cena has earned the business, while Batista expects it to be given to him. Batista says he doesn’t care about the fans; he just wants to make money and win titles. Batista reminds Cena that he broke his neck not that long ago, and Cena knows that deep down he can’t beat Batista.

Cheech and Chong go back to their roots, and they have Chavo dressed up in a sombrero and mustache. In fact, they have Primo, Carlito, Katie Lea, and Yoshi all wearing mustaches. (This is an all time low for creative.)

Match #3 – Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendes vs. MVP - Money in the Bank Qualifier

Ryder comes out hot, but MVP hits a high knee and follows with the Ballin’ Elbow. MVP connects with the Playmaker and gets the pin.

Winner via pinfall: MVP

Finally, Cheech and Chong walk out to the ring. They are here to announce the Divas for their match.

Match #4 – Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, and Eve vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox and Jillian - Diva Pajama Pillow fight

I don’t know what the rules are, but everyone teams up on Maryse, and then Jillian dishes out clotheslines for all the Divas. Eve wins after hitting the flip leg drop on Alicia. (Cole calls this match awesome. Really, Michael, how does it feel to have no soul, and how much to Vince buy it for?)

Winner via pinfall: Eve

Maurice “Mad Dog” Vachon will be in the 2010 WWE Hall of Fame class.

The Chairman, Vince McMahon, struts to the ring. Vince introduces the hobbled Bret Hart to the ring. Vince wants Bret to clear his name, by saying he has nothing to do with the accident. Hart tells Vince to get out of the ring so he can say his final farewells. Vince has one last thing to say, he didn’t invite Hart to say his farewells, but instead he is going to accepts Hart’s challenge at Wrestlemania. Bret says he is incapacitated, but Vince counters he has plenty of time to heal. Vince knows why Hart come back to WWE; it’s because he wants to fight Vince. So Vince tries to goad Hart into the match, telling him to do it for the fans. Hart sees right through Vince’s tactics, and refuses to be goaded into a match. Vince says Bret has no heart, and he has become a coward. Vince kicks out the crutch from Hart, and he falls to the mat. Vince leaves the ring, calling him a coward again. Hart picks up the microphone and agrees to the match. Vince stops at the top of the ramp and announces he will be taking on John Cena, just show Bret what kind of shape he is in.

Match #5 – DX vs. ShoMiz – Unified Tag Team Title Match

HBK ducks a shot from Show in the corner, and responds with a chop. Show whips HBK hard across the ring, and then tags in Miz. Show tags back in, punching Shawn in the gut. He then locks in a bear hug. Shawn breaks free, then avoids a choke slam and tags in Hunter. Show takes a knee to the face, and follows with a spinebuster. Miz runs in to stop a Pedigree, and gets a spinebuster. Show choke slams Hunter, but HBK slips in and hits Sweet Chin Music on Show. Both men are down, so the ref starts the ten count. Show and Hunter make tags, and HBK hits an inverted atomic drop, and then slams Miz. Shawn climbs the turnbuckle and drives an elbow into the heart of Miz. HBK starts to warm up the band, when the Undertaker appears on the Titantron. The Dead Man stares into the ring. HBK turn to hit Sweet Chin Music, but Miz counters into a roll up, and gets the pin.

Winner via pinfall: ShoMiz

After the bell, Shawn storms out of the ring and up the ramp. Sheamus slips into the ring from out of nowhere, and takes out Triple H. He kicks Hunter into the announce table. He waits for Hunter to get up, and bicycle kicks him over the announce table. Sheamus poses over Triple H as the show ends.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003.