December 25, 2009
SLAM! Wrestling plays Santa
By SLAM! Wrestling staff
Just like Santa Claus, the SLAM! Wrestling staff keep a list of who's been naughty and who's been nice over the past year. But since we don't have an army of elves to build presents, we do things the easy way. Over a few glasses of egg nog, we come up with a list of gifts we would like to give to the stars of the wrestling industry.
To Dixie Carter, a copy of "The Death of WCW," because to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
To Shelton Benjamin, a sustained push into the main event scene, because he deserves it.
To Jim Ross, a full recovery from his most recent bout of Bell's Palsy and his old position back on RAW.
To Kurt Angle, a new neck, because Lord knows we want to see top-tier wrestling for another year
To Vince Russo, a new dual-flush toilet. If he's going to go fishing for crappy storylines, he might as well be environmentally-friendly.
To Hulk Hogan, a walker, because with his knees, there's no way he's running wild anymore.
To Mickie James, a platinum-selling debut album, so she can leave behind the horrible storylines in WWE.
To The Pope D'Angelo Dinero, an invitation to visit with that other guy at the Vatican.
To Sheamus, a tanning bed.
To Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle, a copy of Barney Stinson's "Bro Code," so that they will both know the appropriate length of time before a bro starts dating another bro's ex.
To Vince McMahon, Preparation H, because you can tell from his power walk he's got something funky going on back there.
To Beer Money, more beer and more money.
To all of the WWE Divas, a Shimmer DVD, so they can pick up some pointers.
To Jerry Lawler, finally a match at Wrestlemania.
To Hornswoggle, a one way ticket to anywhere else.
To D-X, tickets to the Just For Laughs festival, so they can learn what good comedy is.
To Samoa Joe, his old tights back, because man, he looks terrible.
To William Regal, a title reign on one of the big shows.
To Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, Zack Ryder, Dolph Ziggler, John Morrison, the Miz, or any of the younger stars on the WWE roster who've never held a world title belt, another episode of RAW guest-hosted by Jesse Ventura, so that they have a chance to break the glass ceiling.
To Matt Striker, a permanent chair on RAW.
To Michael Cole, the best of luck in your future endeavours.
To Jim Cornette... nah, he's left TNA, he already got his present.
To the ECW roster, continued employment on one of the other brands if the rumours of that show's impending demise are true.
To Gabe Sapolsky, a TV deal for Dragon Gate USA and Evolve, so that great in-ring wrestling can still have a place.
To Cary Silken and ROH, see Gabe Sapolsky.
To Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, a full recovery, and to his fans, a DVD set full of nothing but classic Brain promos.
To WWE, TNA, ROH, and all indpendent promotions out there, a full year wtihout any senseless deaths.
To every wrestler out there, two copies of the SLAM! Wrestling book (easy enough, you can pick one up at the SLAM! Wrestling store!)
To all SLAM! Wrestling readers, the very best of the season and a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year.
-- compiled by Bob Kapur