ECW: Brand Extension dies a little more
MATT BISHOP - SLAM! Wrestling
Tonight on ECW on Syfy: In her never-ending stream of infinite wisdom, esteemed ECW General Manager Tiffany has invited for ECW Champion Kane back to the Land of Extreme for a one-night engagement. But Kane isn't the only non-ECW roster member on the show, as Abraham Washington associates with someone slightly better looking than Big Dick Johnson. Should be a good one!
And we are "LIVE!" from Laredo, Texas. Josh Mathews and Byron Saxton are our hosts. This show is presented in WWEHD (TV-PG,V).
Tiffany is welcomed by a mysterious new female ring announcer who wasn't shown and actually sounded good. Tiffany is here to recognize the participants in the ECW Championship match at TLC, so she first welcomes Shelton Benjamin to the party, who comes out selling the match despite not doing so when he was throwing Chris Jericho out of the building on Raw last night. She then brings the champion, Christian, to the ring.
The funny thing is, despite both of these guys selling injuries, they still got to the ring quicker than Randy Orton.
Christian and Benjamin shake hands right off the bat. Tiffany tells them they did indeed steal the show and she, along with the WWE Universe, want to say thank you.
Benjamin gets the mic and offers congrats, but he fell short of his goal and wants a rematch. Tiffany starts to say he can get that opportunity when she is interrupted by William Regal.
Regal comes out and just roasts Tiffany, asking her why her voice sounds like a goose blowing a kazoo. He says there's a much bigger issue at hand here, though — Kane. But Tiffany says this is just the first week of a new concept where she is welcoming former ECW stars to come and compete with the ECW stars of today. It's called the ECW Homecoming. The winner receives a championship match against Christian at the Royal Rumble and will begin tonight with two matches, Zack Ryder vs. Kane and Kozlov vs. Ezekiel Jackson.
Regal blows a gasket about the Kozlov/Jackson match while Big Zeke licks his chops.
Match #1 - The Hurricane (Smithfield, N.C.) vs. The Ripper (Parts Unknown)
The new ring announcer is revealed to be Savannah, the former backstage interviewer. She actually will be good, I think.
And of course, in this match, The Ripper will earn an ECW contract with a win.
Hurricane hits a tornado DDT from the top rope and goes and unmasks The Ripper and, believe it or not, it's Paul Burchill. Hurricane hits the Shining Wizard and that's it.
Winner via pinfall: The Hurricane
Burchill and Katie Lea are walking backstage when he is stopped for an interview by Gregory Helms. Helms asks Burchill how that worked out for him. Burchill then throws a tantrum and walks away.
Savannah welcomes WWE Hall of Famer Tony Atlas, who welcomes us to The Abraham Washington Show.
He starts by wanting to report a crime — he was robbed last night at the Slammys. Atlas suggests he should've won Diva of the Year. But Abe's guest tonight actually did win that award — Maria.
Washington shows video of Batista interrupting her speech last night. He says it was simply embarrassing. Maria retorts that at least she actually won a Slammy. He says he got robbed but she retorts that she's seen his show. Then Atlas chimes in with the best line EVER, seamlessly telling us "it stinks." Hahahahaha. Washington says you know what stinks? Your breath, Tony.
Maria then asks if he wants to hold her Slammy. But Maria says she was talking to Tony. Maria then offers Abe again, but it's a tease. He says maybe next year if he wins one and Atlas again is gold, chiming in with "I doubt it."
Maria laughs and Washington says you know what's funny, he voted for Michelle McCool. He says he's glad Batista interrupted Maria last night. He tells Tony to take them out of there. And that's it.
Probably the best Abraham Washington Show yet. Atlas is the best.
Match #2 - Kozlov (Moscow, Russia) vs. Ezekiel Jackson (Harlem, N.Y.)
This one's over quick. Kozlov goes off the ropes and Regal trips him. Jackson picks him up and delivers the uranage and that's it.
Winner via pinfall: Ezekiel Jackson
Regal goes to leave with Jackson but has to go back for his suit coat. As he turns around after getting the coat, Kozlov slides out and grabs him by the throat. But Jackson is quickly there for the save. Regal and Jackson combine to throw Kozlov into the side of the announce table.
Match #3 - Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft (420 pounds) vs. Julio Cruz & Jorge Arias (412 pounds)
Barreta & Croft squash.
Winners via pinfall: Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft
Match #4 - Kane (Hell, Fire & Brimstone) vs. Zack Ryder (Long Island, N.Y.)
Ryder actually takes control by dropkicking Kane's knee and then hitting a leg drop. He lines him up for the leaping leg lariat but he's caught. He gets out but runs right into the chokeslam and that'll do it.
Winner via pinfall: Kane
Matt Bishop can be reached at email@example.com. Please include your name and hometown. Click here to follow Matt on Twitter. And if you're interested in mixed martial arts, check out Matt's weekly podcast -- Lights Out Radio. Should be a good one!.