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RAW: Dennis Miller, Slammys can't save three-hour show
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


Remember when a three hour RAW was something special? Now it seems they’re being churned out every month. Although, tonight is the Slammy Awards with special guest host Dennis Miller, so I’ll let it slide. You know what I won’t let slide, though, Sheamus as WWE champion. (Come on, man! Really!?!)

The show kicks off from Corpus Christi, Texas, with an announcement there will be a series of matches to determine the Superstar of the Year. (If only we elected presidents this way.)

Dennis Miller is introduced and walks to the Slammy Podium situated stage right. Miller goes off script (or so he says) with some of his own jokes, and bombs. He then draws comparisons between politics and wrestling. (I think this is hilarious, but the crowd is DEEEAAAADDDD!) Miller then promotes his charity, Usacares.org.

R-Truth and Jillian Hall come out to present the Slammy for Tag Team of the Year. Jillian wants to sing the Tag Team song “Whoomp! There it is”; R-Truth shuts her up.

Tag Team of the Year

DX, Legacy, The Hart Dynasty, Jeri-Show

Winner: Jeri-Show

And the Slammy goes to Jeri-Show. The crowd isn’t happy with the decision. Jericho thanks Edge for getting hurt, and then thanks himself for choosing Big Show as partner. Show says they will regain the tag team titles in the near future. Jericho then invokes their rematch clause, and wants the match tonight.

Match #1 – William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel vs. Christian, Kane, and the Great Khali

(I’ll be honest, I don’t watch ECW, so I have no idea what is going on here. And why do they insist on trotting Khali out every time all the shows get together? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see Christian, but not paired with this stiff.)

Khali hits Kozlov with the big chop, and covers to get the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Christian, Kane, and the Great Khali

Miller introduces Teddy Long and Kelly Kelly to award the Slammy for Breakout Star of the Year.

Breakout Star of the Year

Drew McIntyre, Sheamus, Yoshi Tatsu, Abraham Washington

Winner: Sheamus

Sheamus accepts his Slammy to go along with his new WWE Title. Sheamus brags about his win, but people don’t even care enough to boo. (I don’t like this guy, and not because he’s a heel.)

Match #2 – Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston

Kofi has an injured arm thanks to last night’s match with Orton. Kofi gains the upper hand, hitting the controlled frenzy and then landing the Boom Drop. Ted DiBiase runs in, and Rhodes is disqualified. Evan Bourne runs in the make the save. Dennis Miller immediately speaks up, and makes this a tag team match. The bell rings, and Kofi and Even fly over the ropes onto Legacy.

Match #2 – Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase vs. Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne

We rejoin the match in progress, and Kofi is in trouble. DiBiase focuses on the injured arm. Kofi hits a back body drop, and is able to get the tag to Bourne. Cody also tags in, but is hit with a head scissors. Dibiase breaks the fall, and knocks Kofi off the apron. Bourne ducks an attack from Rhodes, and kicks him in the chest. Rhodes bounces off the ropes, and is able to set up Cross Rhodes. Cody hits it on Bourne, and covers for the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Legacy

Shocker of the Year

Randy Orton, Batista, CM Punk, Sheamus

Winner: CM Punk

Vickie Guerrero and Santino Marella present this Slammy. CM Punk wins for retiring Jeff Hardy. Punk accepts his award, and heads to the ring for his acceptance speech. Punk thanks himself for winning the Slammy.

Match #3 – John Cena vs. CM Punk – Superstar of the Year Tournament Match

Cena hits a shoulder block, but Punk hops to his feet, and lands a kick. Punk looks for the GTS, but Cena counters into the STF. Punk almost breaks free, but Cena drags him back to the middle of the ring. Punk taps.

Winner via submission: John Cena

After the bell, Cena gets on the microphone and congratulates Sheamus on his win, and the apologizes to anyone he let down. Cena says he will overcome, and what happened at TLC will never happen again. The Road to Wrestlemania starts right now. Cena says he will not lose another match until he regains the WWE title.

Match of the Year

Triple H presents this award that had better be going to HBK/Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Hunter announces DX will be defending their belts later tonight. And the correct decision has been made. (I bought the WM 25 DVD just for this match.) HBK makes the acceptance speech and thanks the crowd, but he doesn’t leave the podium. HBK looks in the camera and tells the Undertaker he can beat him, and throws out a challenge for Wrestlemania 26.

Match #4 – The Undertaker vs. Randy Orton – Superstar of the year Tournament Match

Undertaker looks for Old School, but Orton pulls him off the turnbuckle. Orton pounds on the Dead Man in the corner. Taker fights back, whipping Orton into the corner, and then hitting him with a clothesline. Taker hits snake eyes, and then a leg drop off the apron. Legacy runs down, but Taker stops them on the ramp. Taker turns around and right into an RKO. Both men hit the floor and the ref continues his count. Orton slips under the ropes right before the ten count, and wins the match.

Winner via countout: Randy Orton

Rhodes and DiBiase roll Taker into the ring, but Undertaker fights back. He tosses Legacy out of the ring, and then hits Orton with a chokeslam.

Guest Host of the Year

Vince McMahon presents this trophy, but first rips the crowd for being dead. (I’m torn on this one. I guess as long as the Osbournes don’t win I’ll be happy.)

Seth Green, Shaq, Bob Barker, The Osbournes

Winner: Bob Barker

Barker accepts his trophy in a pre-taped segment. He thanks everyone, especially for buying his book that supports his foundation. Bob tells Vince to go for it. Vince says he will, and asks Dennis Miller who he would want as a guest host. Dennis Miller wants Bret “The Hitman” Hart. Vince tries to shoot down the idea, but Miller poses it to the crowd and they go nuts. Vince just walks off.

Chris Jericho approaches Miller in his office. He thanks him for showing respect, but Miller cuts him off. Miller tells Jericho he is a black hole. Miller says he is keeping the match on, because if Jericho loses he is off RAW.

Match #5 – DX vs. Jeri-Show – Unified Tag Team championship match

Jericho and Triple H start things off, but first HBK has some fun. DX pulls the old playground prank on the official with Triple H pushing him over a crouched HBK. The ref doesn’t find it funny, and calls for the bell.

Winner via DQ: Jeri-Show

After the bell, HBK can’t believe what Hunter did, but then realizes that this was Jericho’s only shot at the title, and now he can no longer be on RAW. HBK says he is trespassing, and calls on other superstars that can’t stand him to come to the ring. Jericho turns into a super kick, and is then escorted out by the DX Army. Jericho doesn’t go quietly, but is eventually forced out the back door.

Carlito, Chris Masters, and Eve walk to the podium to present this award. Masters won’t stop flexing his pecs, and Carlito yells at him.

Extreme Moment of the Year

Kofi Kingston, Big Show, Jeff Hardy, Triple H

Winner: Jeff Hardy

Jeff Hardy wins for his leap off the ladder at Wrestlemania. Matt hardy accepts for his brother. Carlito wants to know why Matt is accepting, Carlito isn’t happy with the answer, attacking Matt and taking the Slammy. Eve rips it away from him, and Masters slaps on a Masterlock and Matt decks him with a a punch.

Match #6 – The Miz, Zack Ryder and Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, and Mark Henry

Mark Henry drops Miz with a gorilla press. Tatsu and Ryder tag in. Ryder taunts Tatsu, so Tatsu kicks Ryder in the temple, covers, and gets the win.

Winner via pinfall: John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, and Mark Henry

Match #7 – 7 on 7 Diva Match

All the Divas are in the ring, and this is going to get out of hand quickly. And they are all wearing evening gowns. Mickey James DDT’s Rosa Mendes to get the win, and they were the only two Divas to get in the match.

Winner: Mickie James

MVP and Goldust walk to the podium to present the only Slammy that was voted on by the fans. Goldust makes a few off-color jokes before showing himself out.

Diva of the Year

Winner: Maria

Maria is overwhelmed while giving her acceptance speech, but then Batista interrupts with his best Kanye impression. He says he got robbed of the World Heavyweight Title. Security escorts him out.

Dennis Miller introduces Abraham Washington and Tony Atlas to present next award with Big Dick Johnson. Tony can’t stop laughing at Johnson, who is sporting a lime green thong.

“OH MY!” moment of the Year

Chris Masters, Shawn Michaels, Michael Cole, Santino Marella

Winner: Michael Cole

So Cole wins a Slammy for puking. He is so excited to accept the award he runs to the podium.

Dennis Miller comes out for what may be the last time tonight, as he promotes his charity one more time and thanks everyone.

DX is here to spread some holiday cheer. This year HBK didn’t procrastinate and set up the Money in the Bank play set early. Hunter accidentally breaks it, and Shawn starts to have a break down. Hunter offers him a blanket. Shawn doesn’t want a blanket, so Hunter gives him the official DX snuggle. It’s a blanket with sleeves. Hunter says they should watch a DVD, and turns on the new WWE Heavyweight championship DVD. Except that it’s Hunter beating up on Shawn on the DVD. Hornswoggle pops up, and gives the guys WWE gift cards. They don’t want to let him off the hook and try to jump him, but Hunter ends up beating up HBK by mistake.

Match #8 – John Cena vs. Randy Orton – Superstar of the Year Match – no Disqualifications

Cena slams Orton into two turnbuckles and follows with a suplex. Cena beats on him in the corner and then slams him to the mat. Cena drops an elbow and covers. Orton kicks out, and knocks Cena out of the ring. Orton follows to the floor, connecting with an uppercut and then tossing Cena into the ring post. Back in the ring, Orton stomps away at Cena. Orton looks for a slam, but Cena counters and hits a bulldog. He then climbs the turnbuckle and hits the leg drop. Orton reverses an Irish whip into a backbreaker. Orton covers and Cena kicks out. Cena runs into a clothesline, and kicks out of another pin. Orton continues to stomp at Cena, but misses a knee drop. Cena hits a shoulder block, and then a side slam. Cena follows with the five knuckle shuffle, but Orton tries to counter the Attitude Adjustment with the RKO. Cena blocks it and looks for the STF. Orton counters, but Cena is able to pick him up and hit the AA. Cena covers, but Orton is able to grab the ropes. Orton slips to the outside, and when Cena tries to follow, Orton hits him with a DDT off the apron. Orton drags Cena back into the ring, but Cena kicks out of the pin. Cena ducks a punt by Orton, and is able to hit the AA. Cena covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall and Superstar of the Year: John Cena

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003.