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RAW: The Body hosts a Thanksgiving wrestling feast
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


Thursday is Thanksgiving down here in the States, and Monday Night RAW is celebrating with a three-hour extravaganza (Their words, not mine). Hershey, “Chocolate Town”, Pennsylvania, hosts the festivities, which Jesse “The Body” Ventura is in charge of tonight. (Incidentally, I live ten minutes from the arena; I must have missed the call to guest host.)

The former governor is introduced, but Randy Orton walks to the ring instead. He doesn’t care that he is interrupting the guest host, and then tells us Ventura has a big announcement concerning the WWE Title. Orton begs the governor for a chance at the WWE title.

The Body finally makes his entrance and walks to the ring. Ventura says he is dressed like a wrestler tonight, and what he says goes. He tells Orton that he respects him, but because he is the governor of revolution he will bring something new to the WWE. Which means Orton will not be getting a title shot. It won’t be Orton, Big Show, Triple H, or Chris Jericho. Tonight there will be a series of matches of superstars that have never held the WWE title. After the qualifying matches, there will be a Break Through Battle Royal match for the number one contender. Orton calls this a mistake, but Ventura sticks to his guns.

Match #1 – Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler – Break Through Qualifying Match

Ziggler beats Kofi into the corner, and keeps the pressure on with a snap mare. Kofi fights back, but Ziggler slams him to the mat. Kofi fights out of a headlock, but is clotheslined to the mat. Ziggler drops a series of elbows, and finishes with one to the gut. Kofi recovers, and hitting the dual leg drop. Ziggler ducks Trouble in Paradise, but cannot avoid the second attempt. Kofi covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Kofi Kingston

The Miz is thankful for all the love, adoration, and respect we give him every week. He is also thankful for his Survivor Series team and being the most dominant U.S. Title holder of all time. Miz takes it all back, and says we should be thankful we can watch him.

Match #2 – Seamus vs. Finlay - Break Through Qualifying Match

(So if you give a WWE ref a concussion, you get a potential title shot? Okay.)

Or not. Finlay jumps on Seamus early, knocking him out of the ring and into the announce table. Seamus recovers in the ring, and then tosses Finlay into the ring post. Seamus picks Finlay up to hit the Irish Edge and then covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Seamus

After the match, Seamus beats on Finlay some more, and kicks him into the crowd.

Teddy Long sends along his Thanksgiving wishes, although I can’t imagine what he has to be thankful for with Vicki Guerrero at his side.

Randy Orton drops in on Ventura, and begs for a spot in the battle royal. The Governor says he can’t let him in, because it will break the rules. Ventura tells Orton he is doing a good job retiring all these old wrestlers, though.

Match #3 – CM Punk vs. John Cena

Punk tells the crowd he has a lot to be thankful for, like being straight edge, which make Punk better than us. Punk continues with the lecture, until we go to commercial.

Punk throws his shirt at Cena, who responds by throwing his shirt to the crowd. Cena and Punk run into each other in a stalemate. Both men lock up, and Punk gains the upper hand with kicks to the back of Cena’s legs. Cena responds with a bulldog, and then a drop toe hold. Punk scurries out of the ring before Cena can lock on the STF. We go to commercial, again.

After the break, Punk has Cena locked in a head scissors. Cena gets to his feet with Punk on his shoulders, and then drops him. Punk hits a quick clothesline, and Cena kicks out of the quick pin. Cena is whipped hard into the corner, and hits the mat. Punk follows up with a neck breaker. Cena stops himself from crashing into the corner, and explodes with a shoulder block. Cena follows with the five knuckle shuffle, and picks Punk up for the Attitude Adjustment. Punk lands on his feet, and kicks Cena in the gut. Punk picks up Cena for the GTS, but the champ counters into the STF. Punk crawls toward the ropes and is able to break the hold. Cena walks into a roundhouse kick to the temple. Cena kicks out of the pin. Punk connects with a high knee in the corner, but Cena blocks a bulldog and both men are down. Cena climbs the turnbuckle and hits a leg drop. Punk kicks out of the pin. Cena is shot off the ropes and right into a kick. Cena still kicks out, though. Cena dodges a splash the corner, and then picks Punk up and from the second rope Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment. Cena covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: John Cena

Vince McMahon drops in on Ventura and tells him he won’t face him in a match. The Gov says he would never stoop that low; instead he will hit him below the belt. Ventura wanted Vince to stop in so they could remember the old days, and brings up that Vince Sr. didn’t believe in his no-talent son, so he made him an announcer. Tonight, Ventura and McMahon will go back to the announce table, tux, bow tie, and all.

Match #4 – R-Truth, MVP, and Mark Henry vs. Jack Swagger, Chris Masters, Chavo Guerrero – Break Through Qualifying Match

All three members of the winning team will advance. Henry tosses Guerrero out of the ring onto Swagger, while R-Truth connects with a flying forearm and pins Masters for the win.

Winner via pinfall: R-Truth, MVP, and Mark Henry

We see DX, and Hunter doesn’t look too happy with HBK. HHH wants to know what was up with the kick. HBK says it was for the championship, so he just struck first. The boys get served by a little lawyer, turns out they are do in “Little People’s Court” next week, as they are getting sued by Hornswoggle.

Match #5 – Evan Bourne vs. Primo – Break Through Qualifying Match

(Hey guess who’s still on the roster?)

Well that didn’t last long, Primo is attacked by Randy Orton and knocked out. Orton jumps in the ring, and says he is now in the match. Ventura shuts things down, and tells Orton he likes that he was persistent. Ventura tells Orton if he can beat Bourne he is in the match.

Match #5 – Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton – Break Through Qualifying Match

(If Orton wins the Battle Royal, I’m boycotting the next PPV.)

Orton connects with an RKO minutes into the match, and covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Randy Orton

Match #6 – Michelle McCool, Layla, and Jillian vs. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and Melina – Mayflower Melee

Michelle isn’t happy they are dressed as pilgrims, and then the turkey hits the fan as the Gobbdley Gooker is announced as the special time keeper.

McCool doesn’t want to be in this match, and I don’t want to cover it, so it all works out. Melina pins Jillian with a bridge to get the win.

Winner via pinfall: Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and Melina

After the match, Lawler interviews Melina, who can’t stop laughing at the Gooker. As it turns out Maryse is in the turkey outfit, and she beats down Melina and orders Lawler from the ring. She strips out of the costume, much to the crowd’s enjoyment.

Match #7 – DX (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) vs. The Hart Dynasty (D.H. Smith and Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya)

HBK knocks Kidd down with a forearm, but DH makes the tag. Michaels is beat on in the corner and then dropped with a back breaker. Kidd makes the tag and connects on a low drop kick to the face, and Smith dropped HBK with a toe hold. Smith holds HBK up for a long delayed vertical suplex. HBK and Smith knocks heads in the corner, but Hunter is able to get the tag. HH hits Kidd with a high knee, and follows with a face buster. Hart runs in only to get a spinebuster, and HHH has one for Kidd as well. Hunter looks for the Pedigree, but Kidd breaks it up, allowing Hart to kick Hunter in the face. Hart picks up Trips, but Shawn superkicks Hart, and Kidd is caught coming off the ropes. Hunter Pedigrees Kidd to get the pin.

Winner via pinfall: DX

After the match, Chris Jericho walks out on stage. He congratulates DX on their win, but in three weeks DX will take on Jeri-Show for the Unified Tag Team belts. Jericho says Show is taking a personal day, but Hunter thinks Show is stuck in the chocolate factory. HBK tells Jericho that their match at TLC will be a TLC match. (Shocking, I know!)

Batista is in the building.

Rey Mysterio’s music plays, but its The Animal that walks out on stage. Batista informs us that Rey will not be joining us, and he has no one to blame but himself. Batista contends that Rey stabbed him in the back, costing him the World Title. No one embarrasses and disrespects Batista. Everyone is on notice, if someone from Smackdown wins the number one contender spot, Batista is going to step in. Kane has heard enough. He wants to know what constitutes disrespect. Kane sure hopes interrupting him does, he wants to see what Batista is going to do about it. Kane wants to be made an example of. Batista just backs out of the ring.

Match #8 – Cryme Tyme vs. Legacy – Break Through Qualifying Match

(I wonder if Orton is going to interfere to get his boys into the battle royal?)

Orton doesn’t get involved, but Legacy picks up the win. DiBiase hits Shad with Dream Street to get the cover and the win.

Winner via pinfall: Legacy

Santino stops Alicia Fox and Gail Kim from getting in a pie fight. Santino wants the Divas to prepare him a Thanksgiving feast. Instead, he just gets a pie (make that many pies) in the face.

Match #9 – Kofi Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, Seamus, and Randy Orton – Break Through Battle Royal – Number One Contender Match

Ventura makes his way to the announce table to call this match. Jesse introduces his broadcast partner, Vince McMahon, who is wearing his tux and bow tie.

Orton, DiBiase, and Rhodes all attack Kofi to start the match. Orton slides to the outside and watches the action. Vince and Jesse jaw at each other, but Vince does remember that a match is going on. Seamus scores the first elimination by tossing R-Truth over the ropes. Orton rejoins the match, and attacks Kofi in the corner. Seamus hits MVP with the bicycle kick and then dumps him over the ropes for another elimination. Legacy tries to double team Henry, but the World’s Strongest Man counters and knocks Rhodes and DiBiase over the ropes. Seamus takes advantage of Henry’s celebration to knock him over the ropes. Orton and Kofi fight in the corner, as Seamus stays out of it. Kofi hammers away at Orton.

Seamus grabs Orton, but Orton reverses and hits a back breaker. Orton dumps Kofi over the ropes, but Kofi skins the cat, and then uses a head scissors to pull Orton out of the ring. Seamus builds up a head of steam and clotheslines Kofi out of the ring to win the Break Through Battle Royal.

Winner: Seamus

The contract signing will happen right after the break.

Next week Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer will be the guest host.

The Governor is in the ring and thanks the fans for tonight. Seamus is ready to sign, so Ventura calls for the champ. Cena takes a seat, but Seamus wants the champ to stand up and face him. Cena wants to know why he should take Seamus seriously. All he has done is beat up an announcer and retired someone half his size. Cena is standing here because this is his life. Cena can get serious. Seamus shoots his mouth off, and both men stare each other down. Seamus signs the contract, and Cena follows. Ventura then says he thinks there is a conspiracy to keep Cena champion. Ventura calls out Cena for going along with the program. Cena walks up to Ventura, but Seamus kicks him in the face and tosses him into the ring post. Cena is then slammed through the table. Ventura announces the championship match will be a tables match. The show goes off the air with Seamus holding the belt.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Nick Tylwalk will be filling in for Dale next week. Dale will be in Las Vegas trying to raise money for a hostile takeover of WWE.