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Raw: Smaller set, big three-way tag match at MSG
By WRITER X - Mystery SLAM! Wrestling correspondent


This siteís Raw reporter, Dale Plummer, loves his job. It doesnít pay as well as his day job, but it gets many more girls to get out with him. Alas, Dale loves Las Vegas even more, so heís off gambling while Raw is coming to us live from Madison Square Garden.

Thankfully, Dale is one of the few people with my direct phone number, so Iíve donned my luchador mask and fired up the laptop. The Security and PR folks at MSG wouldnít let me in (something about not being able to verify my identity), so Iím watching this through someoneís window while sitting on a fire escape, stealing a Wi-Fi signal from an apartment nearby. I can just barely hear the audio, but as long as no one mistakes me for a robber, I should be okay.

Rowdy Roddy Piper kicks off the show by telling us that heís back, and so is Piper's Pit. Hot Rod has actor Luis Guzman with him and plugs his new movie. Piper says he flew in the Iron Chef, Bobby Flay, but thereís been some mistake, and itís actually the Iron Shiek. Guzman mentions Hogan and Sheik starts ranting. Live from New York, it's Monday Night Raw! It feels like Iíve heard something like that somewhere before...

Match 1 - The Miz (champion) vs. M.V.P. (challenger) - U.S. Title Match

For the record, I like the scaled-down set the WWE has set up so more people can see the show. I do not like M.V.P.'s sleeveless unitard. Miz gets into it with the New Yorkers. Sherri Shepherd from The View is ringside. M.V.P. hits the Balliní Elbow but canít connect with the Playmaker, and a big kick gets only two. Miz pulls M.V.P. out of the corner and hits the Skull Crushing Finale to get the pin.

Match 2 - Chavo Guerrero vs. Santino Marella

Santino has a Rangers jersey on over a Giants jersey over a Knicks jersey over a Jets jersey over a Mets jersey over... a Phillies jersey? But he is a face again right now, so he reveals a Yankees jersey under everything else. Chavo says he's a fan too but immediately lays into him after that. Hornswoggle shows up in DX gear, distracting Chavo for Santino to get the pin.

Here comes the real DX, no doubt enjoying all the money theyíre making off those neon green glow sticks in the crowd. The DX army is in the house in the most famous arena in the world. Triple H plugs the DX book, and Shawn Michaels points out that there's a Borders connected to MSG. HHH says they aren't going to talk about merch but the big fat elephant in the room: Sunday's triple threat match for John Cena's WWE Championship. Despite what Cena says about them turning on each other, Trips says they will operate as a unit and only care about the title coming to DX. Hornswoggle joins them and HHH asks New York, "Are you ready?" Unfortunately for the little guy, Hunter interrupts his shtick and gives Hornswoggle a Pedigree. Hey, they warned him!

A video package set to Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind" takes us through great wrestling moments in MSG history. In the back, Chris Jericho goes to Piper to complain about being disrespected Ė nothing new there Ė but Roddy brings out Chris Masters to demonstrate how he can make his pecs dance to "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas. Remember, I just write about what I see. Conveniently, Taboo and apl.de.ap are in attendance.

Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock (a.k.a. the Greatest Athlete in the World) comes to the ring. He's doing the ring announcing, I suppose.

Match 3 - Melina (champion) vs. Alicia Fox (challenger) - Divas Championship Match

Judah quickly makes this a Lumberjill Match. The heel lumberjills really give it to Melina when she's thrown out to the floor. Melina hits the LA Sunset to win it. Thatís a cool finisher any way you slice it. A bunch of angry Divas all decide to hit the ring, but Team Mickie James cleans house. Judah shows off some of his dubious martial arts prowess.

Piper comes to the ring. He says he made his career by not being so nice, and only New Yorkers would put up with that. He also says he had some embarrassing moments. For instance, he embarrassed Cyndi Lauper, though she also did some of it to herself. Piper says he took on legends like Captain Lou Albano, Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan, and they all learned that if you mess with Hot Rod, you're either going to be bald or dead. He's also the reason Hulk Hogan's got no hair. Piper admits that he did some unspeakable things at MSG, but he has one last rotten job to do before he checks out: he wants one more match with Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He knows Vince is a big fan, because The Chairman fired him after doing Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel. Right on cue, here comes Vince. McMahon says the worst thing Piper ever did in the Garden was show up here tonight. After all, Mother Nature has not been too kind to Hot Rod, and Vince thinks his forefathers would be ashamed if he soiled his hands with Roddy. Vince says he's always looked better than everyone, including the WWE Superstars, and he's beaten them all, so he's officially retired from ring action. Piper says retired is just another word for coward. Says Roddy, ďI had cancer, I beat that, I can beat you too buddy.Ē Hot Rod wants McMahon to fight him for all the people who made Vince a billionaire, but as he leaves the ring, itís unclear as to whether he successfully goaded McMahon into fighting him.

Jesse Ventura is the host of next week's three-hour Raw (from Hershey, PA, the stomping grounds of Writer X!). Heís got a new TV show to plug, you know.

Sheamus comes to the ring. He says heís only been around for four weeks and heís already put one man out of this business, so heíd like to make another impact tonight. He makes an open challenge to anyone who has the guts. When no one shows up, the Celtic Warrior grabs one of the audio or tech guys and roughs him up with a forearm shot, then chucks him onto the floor. Jerry Lawler takes exception and gets kicked in the head for his trouble. For some reason not immediately made apparent, Sheamus spares Michael Cole. He heads for the back as refs and other personnel check on Lawler and the other poor sap. Hereís a little note to WWE creative: itís really hard to take Sheamus seriously right now. Please change his name. Thanks!

After the commercial, Matt Striker has to join Cole as color commentator. They run down the Survivor Series card.

Match 4 - Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

The All-American American is probably the dumbest nickname for a current superstar. I will say Swagger just looks huge next to Bourne. Evan gets caught coming off the top rope and gets slammed into two different corners. A gutwrench power bomb finishes him off. Thanks for playing.

Piper is in the ring, but it's not Vince who comes out to meet him. Itís Randy Orton, and heís come to give Roddy the fight he wants. Piper tries to call a timeout after the first shot, then gets one in of his own. Orton stomps away at him. Punt time? Nope, here comes Kofi Kingston! Piper loves it as Kofi goes to the entranceway and keeps attacking Orton. The fight spills into the crowd. Orton finally gets his bearings and tosses him back over the barricade. Randy gets Kofi back in the ring and lines up the punt, but Kingston leaps up to stop him. Back out to the floor. They battle over to a table, where Kingston hits him with a metal case. He climbs up on a railing, but the refs pull him down. He perseveres and hits the Boom Drop through the table. Letís hope Kofi runs with this push, because itís been pretty good.

John Cena speaks into the camera. He seems pretty pumped for the main event, which is a three-way tag team match. Cena says Undertaker is an awesome choice for a partner until you realize he's very difficult to talk to. He starts talking about his upcoming handicap match against DX at Survivor Series until heís handed a sheet from a production guy. Cena made a mistake: it's not a handicap match at Survivor Series, it's a triple threat match. The champ says the DX guys are just fooling themselves. He hopes they stay friends, because they're going to need shoulders to lean on the Monday after Survivor Series.

Main Event - Chris Jericho and Big Show vs. D-Generation X vs. John Cena and The Undertaker

Undertaker gets the full druid entrance. Itís already 11:07 when the match starts, so you know this isnít going to be very long. Undertaker, The Game and Big Show all tag in at once. Trips and ĎTaker decide to team up, dumping Show out to floor. HHH gets a big boot but rallies with a spinebuster on the Dead Man. Michaels tags in and tries to skin the cat, but Undertaker grabs him and he ends up receiving a spear from Show. Jericho enters and hits a bulldog on Shawn. The Walls of Jericho are applied to HBK, but Cena tags himself in and floors him with a bulldog. Triple H and Cena both hit Jericho then stare each other down. Show returns and chokeslams them both. Undertaker climbs back in to hit a jumping lariat on Show and take him out to floor. Jericho covers Cena for two. HBK is tagged back in and builds momentum on Jericho, who receives the flying elbow. Michaels misses Sweet Chin Music on Cena, who hits shoulders and a slam. Time for the Five Knuckle Shuffle on HBK. HHH tags himself in and delivers a high knee, a facebuster and a spinebuster. The Pedigree is broken up by Show, but he gets Sweet Chin Music in return. Jericho hits a Codebreaker on HBK but gets a chokeslam from ĎTaker, who quickly finds himself dumped out to the floor. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Triple H to get the win. Undertaker is in no mood to celebrate with his partner, as he gives him a Tombstone to close out the show. And just in time too, because I think I hear the police coming. Until Iím needed again, stay well true believers!

The true identity of Writer X is unknown, though his checks are cashed by a longtime SLAM! Wrestling staffer. His only superpower is the uncanny knack for showing up with his mask and laptop whenever needed, which is usually when ordinary staffers are unable (or sometimes unwilling) to recap a show. The most reliable way to reach him is by email at slamwriterx@gmail.com.