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RAW: Superstars ride a Crazy Train with Ozzy
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


Is it just me or is the guest hosting thing on RAW starting to run out of steam? The Osbournes? Really, what is this 2003? Who’s next? At least it beats a WWE Hall of Famer hosting.

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne kick off the show from Worcester, Massachusetts, in the ring from Ozzy’s throne. Sharon reminds us that this isn’t Ozzy’s first time in the WWE ring, but he doesn’t remember any of them.

The Miz cuts Sharon off and makes his way to the ring. Sharon and Miz go back and forth. (I’m getting annoyed.) The Miz cries that he got robbed last week due to outside interference. Tonight, Miz wants that loss stricken from the record.

Legacy interrupts the Miz. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes join the party. They complain about having the car they bought for Randy Orton getting vandalized by Kofi Kingston. They want a handicapped match against Kofi.

The Big Show crashes the party and he isn’t happy. Show tells the Osbournes to ignore these guys, because he was assaulted by the entire RAW roster and he wants an apology. Ozzy says he’s sorry. Show wants a sorry from the RAW roster.

DX hits the arena to liven things up. Hunter says they came down to save the show from the ratings killers in the ring. Trips then plugs Ozzy’s book, and the DX book. Hunter says they are going to take care of this. He whispers in Ozzy’s ear. The Miz wants his loss taken off the books, so he will fight Evan Bourne tonight for the US Title. Rhodes and DiBiase don’t get their match. Instead Randy Orton will take on Kofi. Show says he wants a warm up for Survivor Series. He wants to see DX and John Cena in a triple threat match. Instead he gets put in triple threat versus John Cena and Chris Jericho.

Match #1 – The Miz vs. Evan Bourne – U.S. Title Match

An aggressive Miz kicks and stomps away at Bourne to start the match. The Miz blocks a reversal on a hip toss, but he can’t block a head scissors. Bourne follows with a heel kick that sends Miz to the floor. Back in the ring, Miz drops Bourne on the ropes and follows with a kick to the ribs. Miz locks in an abdominal stretch, but Bourne counters a suplex. Bourne connects with a kick off the ropes, but cannot get the pin. Miz rolls away from Air Bourne, but Bourne lands on his feet. Miz connects with a hip toss, and hits the Skull Crushing Finale. Miz covers and gets the three count.

Winner via pinfall: The Miz

Josh Matthews is in the back with Seamus, who says he will end Jamie Noble's career.

Match #2 – Seamus vs. Jamie Noble

Seamus beats Noble out of the ring, and then tosses him into the ring post. After a back breaker, Seamus hits his bicycle kick and but doesn’t cover. Noble is tossed into the corner, where Seamus continues the beating. The ref calls for the bell, when Noble is unresponsive.

Winner via knock out: Seamus

After the bell, the beating continues. Noble is knocked to the floor, where is hit with a powerbomb. Noble is carted out of the ring on a gurney.

Josh Matthews asks Kofi Kingston if he has any regrets. Kofi says that Randy Orton is a bully and he stood up to him.

Match #3 – Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston

In a move NOBODY saw coming, Legacy hits the ring. Kofi hits a suicide dive, but is then surrounded. Ozzy and Sharon pop up on the Titantron and make the match a six man tag with MVP and Mark Henry.

Match #3 – Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Mark Henry

We join the match in progress. Kofi defends himself well, as all the Legacy members jump in. Kofi takes down Ted, and he hits a Ballin’ Elbow with MVP. Henry tags in, as Ted is able to get the tag to Cody, but Henry fights off the double team. MVP tags back in, but is double teamed, as Orton distracts the ref. Cody is the legal man, and drops a knee on MVP. Rhodes then connects with a standing drop kick, and then tags in Orton. MVP fights back, and rolls away from a knee drop. Orton connects on the second attempt. MVP hits a clothesline, but Orton prevents a tag by knocking Kofi off the apron. MVP finally gets the tag to Mark Henry, and he cleans house. Rhodes is splashed in the corner, but Orton stops him from slamming Rhodes to the mat. Kofi cuts off Orton from hitting an RKO with a drop kick. Rhodes goes for a cross body off the top rope, but Henry catches him, and nails the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry and MVP

Jerry Lawler is in the ring to host the WWE version of “America’s got Talent”. (I’ve seen that show, and let me tell you, no, no we don’t.) Sharon and Ozzy are judges, and they are joined by The Great Khali. (Ummmm...)

Santino is the first contestant, says he will bite the head of a bat ... man action figure. He did it, but still gets buzzed off. Chris Masters is up next and he flexes his pecks to Crazy Train. He gets buzzed. Jillian Hall and Chavo Guerrero are going to sing a duet. Long story short, they get buzzed off the stage, but head to the ring to get in the judges' faces. Sharon slaps Jillian. Chavo yells at Ozzy, and then gets in Sharon’s face. Khali stands up, and Chavo backs off. Khali hits the big chop, and Chavo hits the mat. Then Hornswoggle runs in dressed as Jack Osbourne and hits the tadpole splash on Chavo.

Next week, Ricky Hatton will host RAW from England.

Match #4 – Nikki Bella, Brie Bella, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, Eve, and Alicia Fox – Number One Contender Diva Battle Royal

Jack Swagger walks down to the ring to check out Eve, and he causes her to get eliminated. Alicia Fox dumps Kelly Kelly out of the ring to win the match.

Winner: Alicia Fox

Chris Jericho tells the Osbournes are making a mockery of RAW. He says he has talent, and he tells Ozzy he was his hero as a kid. Jericho says he pandered to the fans, until he realized he was better than all of them.

DX is having a heart to heart with Hornswoggle to have him knock off the DX gimmick infringement. Cena pulls the little guy off the wall. HBK says DX has the advantage at Survivor Series. Cena says anything can happen in a triple threat, and says he has four words for them. The Champ is HERE!

Match #5 – John Cena vs. The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho

DX joins Lawler and Cole at the announce position. Once again, we join a match in progress. Show picks up Cena outside the ring, but Cena floats over and pushes Big Show into the ring post. Show pulls Cena out of the ring, and tosses him into the security barrier. Jericho and Show team up inside the ring. Show hits a suplex on Cena, and then fights off a shoulder block from Cena. Jericho holds Cena, as Show chops away at him. (I can’t pay attention to the match because of the DX commentary. It’s hilarious.) Jericho is whipped into Cena shoulder first, and then Show lines him up. Cena dodges the splash, and goes to work on Jericho, hitting a bulldog. Show cuts off the rally with a spear. Jericho covers, but Show pulls him off. Jericho and Show argue, and Jericho slaps his partner. Show dumps Jericho from the ring. Cena fights back, but collapses under the weight of Show attempting the Attitude Adjustment. Cena rolls away from Show splashing him from the second rope. Cena fights his way out of the corner, and knocks Show from the ring. Cena hits Jericho with a shoulder block and a sidewalk slam. Cena connects with the five knuckle shuffle, and gets Jericho on his shoulders, but he turns right into a punch from Show. Cena goes down and Jericho covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Chris Jericho

After the bell, Jericho locks in the Walls as Show applies a chin lock. DX tries to make the save, but HBK is taken out by Show, and Jericho hits the CodeBreaker on HHH. Jericho and Show poses in the ring as RAW goes off the air.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003.