RAW: Cena delivers the goods
DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling
Jeremy Piven is guest hosting RAW this week. I wonder if his "Entourage" will be with him tonight. Actually, he will probably be pushing his new movie The Goods this week as RAW comes to us from the Mohegan Sun Casino. (Only a short drive from the Canadian Border or almost anywhere in New England!)
Lillian Garcia introduces Jeremy Piven, who drives out in a Trans Am. He pulls the Asian guy from The Hangover out of his trunk. (Great movie, I suggest going to see it right now. I’ll wait.) Dr. Ken (the Asian guy) is also in his new movie. Piven and Ken pimp themselves in the ring, which is only appropriate since the good doctor is dressed like a pimp. Piven runs up the ramp, so they can set off some pyro behind him. He then says tonight’s show will be like the Fourth of July all night long.
The Miz crashes the party, wanting to know if Piven is enjoying making a mockery of the show. Miz calls himself an acclaimed TV star, and Dr. Ken loses it. Piven rips Miz for being on the Real World. The Miz announces he wants John Cena, saying he got lucky last week. Miz orders Piven to make it happen. John Cena interrupts, saying The Miz is not that good. Cena wants to make tonight special, so it’s up to Piven to make this match interesting and deliver The Goods! The Miz will take on Cena in a lumberjack match. The Miz makes fun of his decision, so Piven says he will ban Miz from SummerSlam (or SummerFest as Piven first called it), the Staples Center in Los Angeles and Monday Night Raw. (I think I may actually miss the little runt.)
Match #1 – Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Bourne lands a drop kick early, but Swagger recovers to slam him to the mat. Swagger uses his amateur background to keep Bourne on the mat. Bourne gets free and connects with another drop kick. Swagger gets the knees up on a standing moonsault, and then drives him into the turnbuckle before slamming him to the mat. Swagger finishes Bourne off with the gut wrench powerbomb.
Winner via pinfall: Jack Swagger
After the match, Swagger hits Bourne with a couple of Vader Bombs, before MVP can come out and make the save. Swagger backs up the ramp, wanting no part of MVP.
Piven is entertaining some Divas in his office, when Dr. Ken tells them to get lost. Piven tries to get his man focused, and Ken starts making fun of Big Show. The giant is right behind him, but Show is more interested on getting his hands on Shaq. Piven tells Show to forget Shaq, so Show suggests Piven get in the ring. Instead, the guest host tells Show to go out and take the U.S. Title from Kofi Kingston.
Match #2 – Mickie James and Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall
After a blind tag, Beth Phoenix hits Gail Kim with the Implant Driver for the win.
Winner via pinfall: Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall
Match #3 – Legacy vs. Triple H – 2 on 1 handicapped match
Triple H and Cody Rhodes start things off, and Hunter also goes after Ted DiBiase in the corner. Hunter hits a vertical suplex and then drives a knee into Rhodes. DiBiase tags in and runs right into a clothesline. Dibiase puts his head down and HHH sets up a Pedigree. Rhodes runs in to stop it and both men get thrown outside the ring.
After the break, Rhodes has Hunter in a head lock. HHH fights outs and shoots Rhodes off the ropes. DiBiase makes a blind tag and both men high/low Hunter. DiBiase stomps away at Trips in the corner. Hunter is double teamed again with a suplex. DiBiase connects with a power slam, but cannot get the pin. Rhodes drops a knee, but Hunter kicks out of the pin. Rhodes then climbs the turnbuckle, but Hunter rolls away and Rhodes crashes and burns on the moonsault. Hunter gets to his feet, knocking DiBiase off the apron and then whips him into the security barrier. HHH gets back in the ring, hitting the high knee on Rhodes, and then a spine buster. HHH sets up the Pedigree, but DiBiase runs in and hits Dream Street. Rhodes crawls on top of HHH, but Trips is able to kick out. Rhodes hits Cross Roads and Cody covers for the win.
Winner via pinfall: Legacy
After the match, Hunter is laying in the ring and grabs a microphone. He says that this did not go as planned. Hunter can’t understand why he keeps getting beat by these guys. He used to be good at this gang warfare, and maybe he will start another group, or bring back Evolution. Hunter says maybe he will make just one phone call. I wonder who he’s gonna call? Well Hunter has two words for you!
Piven and Ken are watching the trailer for his new movie, when Chavo Guerrero comes in and is star struck. Chavo first thinks he is from Fear Factor (that would be Joe Rogan) and then compliments him in Swingers (wrong again, that’s Jon Favreau). Piven tells Chavo to get ready to take care of Hornswoggle, tonight. He then tells Ken he has a plan.
Match #4 – Carlito vs. Primo
Primo strikes first beating Carlito into the corner, and then following with a head scissors. Carlito tries to toss his brother from the ring, but Primo catches himself on the apron and then connects with a clothesline. Carlito rolls to the outside and Primo follows him and connects with a suicide dive through the ropes. Back in the ring, Carlito hits a neck breaker. Carlito slams Primo to the mat, and follows with an elbow drop. Primo responds with a flying back elbow and a drop kick. Carlito avoids a spear in the corner, and Primo crashes into the ring post. Carlito goes for the Backstabber, but Primo counters into a rollup. Carlito kicks out, and hits the Backstabber. Carlito covers for the win.
Winner via pinfall: Carlito
Match #5 – Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle
Chavo is in the ring, when Piven appears on the Titantron. Apparently old Horny has the chicken pox, so his cousin is filling in. Markswoggle, aka Mark Henry.
Match #5 – Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry
Henry tosses Chavo back into the corner, following with a head butt. Chavo floats over a suplex, and pushes Henry in the back. Chavo runs to the outside, so Henry brings him back in the hard way. Henry picks Chavo up and carries him around the ring, before hitting the World’s Strongest Slam.
Winner via pinfall: Mark Henry
After the bell, Henry looks under the ring, and out pops Hornswoggle. Henry drags him to the corner, and Hornswoggle hits another tadpole slam on Chavo.
Randy Orton stops by to see the guest host. Piven tells Orton he will be the special ring announcer. Orton threatens both Piven and Ken. The good Doctor isn’t having fun after that.
Match #6 – Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show w/ Chris Jericho – United States Title Match
Kingston tries to chop down Show with kicks, but Show just grabs the leg and snaps him over. Show tosses Kingston all over the ring. Kofi tries to fight his way out of the corner, but Show continues the beating. Kofi is dragged into the corner, and Show connects with a Vader Splash. Kingston gets a foot on the ropes to break the count. Show drives a foot into the abdomen and then locks in a submission. Show releases the hold and then locks in the Colossal Clutch in the ropes. Show climbs the ropes again, but Kingston is able to chop him down. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise and then climbs the turnbuckle. Kingston connects with the double leg drop, but Show kicks out. Show recovers and spears Kofi into the corner. Show starts beating on Kofi and the ref starts a five count. Show doesn’t let up and is disqualified.
Winner via DQ: Kofi Kingston
After the bell, Show continues the beating while Jericho taunts him.
Back in the locker room, Hunter is on the phone. He makes a proposition to someone, who isn’t even watching the show. He tells this mystery person that he needs him and asks him, “Are you ready?” I guess not, because he hung up.
We now get an extended look at The Goods. (I’ll at least NetFlix it.)
Next week’s guest host is Sgt. Slaughter. Well that’s only fitting since GI Joe is coming out in theaters soon. What? He’s not in it?
Piven comes out and tells Cena that he and the Doc are real big fans of Randy Orton, so tonight’s Lumberjacks have been handpicked by Orton. We have Legacy, Chavo, Carlito, Chris Masters Jack Swagger and Orton surrounding the ring.
Match #7 – John Cena vs. The Miz – Lumberjack Match
And remember if The Miz loses he is off of RAW.
The Miz takes it to Cena in the corner. Cena responds with a bulldog and then clotheslines Miz out of the ring. Chavo helps Miz and gives him time to recover. Cena hits a drop toe hold and looks for the STF, but has to chase lumberjacks off the apron. Cena is knocked to the floor, and Masters slaps on a Masterlock. Swagger and Carlito then help throw Cena back in the ring. Miz covers, but Cena grabs the rope. The Miz hits a clothesline, but cannot get the pin. Cena gets a foot up on a charge and builds momentum with a shoulder block. After a slam, Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle, but Orton low bridges Cena, and Legacy attacks. Orton whips Cena into the ring steps. Legacy then puts the boots to him. Cena is rolled into the ring, as Dr. Ken gives his pimp cane to The Miz. Cena avoids the attack, and gets The Miz up for the Attitude Adjustment. Cena hits it and covers for the win.
Winner via pinfall: John Cena
After the bell, Piven climbs the turnbuckle. Cena catches him on a cross body and uses him to fight off Carlito and Masters. Dr. Ken tries to make the save with the pimp stick, but it has no effect. Dr. Ken quickly changes face and tries to act like it was a set up. Ken tries to raise Cena’s hand, but instead Cena wants a handshake. Ken goes for it, but Cena picks up the Doc and tosses him onto the remaining lumberjacks.
Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale is still patiently waiting for his call to guest host RAW.