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RAW: The Big Show? No it's The Big Shaq!
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


RAW is going to be awesome. Why? Shaquille O’Neal is this week’s guest host. The Big Aristotle can stand toe to toe with any one on the roster. I’m wondering if he will challenge Big Show for his name. (Oh, and Shaq does have a reality show starting in August, which will reek of awesomeness!)

Jerry Lawler introduces Shaq, and the crowd in Washington, D.C. can’t wait. Shaq makes his way to the ring, ripping a Kobe Bryant sign on the way. Once in the ring, Shaq announces a beat the clock challenge to win a chance to take on Randy Orton at SummerSlam for the WWE Title. (Yes, Orton retained last night.)

Chris Jericho crashes Shaq’s party and it looks like business is going to pick up. Jericho figured it would be Kobe hosting tonight, since he is the most dominate player in the NBA. Shaq wants to know what “Christina” is doing out here. Jericho is playing the disrespect card, again, and wants to be catered to, or there will be a problem, a big problem. Jericho brings out his tag team partner, The Big Show, who is dressed for the office, not the ring.

Shaq is not intimidated by Show, and vice versa. Show tells Shaq to take a hike. Shaq challenges Show to match, right now. Show isn’t going to be goaded into a match, and have the NBA bring down the heat on him. Show declines the fight, and so does Jericho. Shaq knew they wouldn’t fight him, so he hired Cryme Tyme to take them on. Shaq announces that he will be the special outside enforcer. (AWESOME! Can Shaq host every week?)

Match #1 – Mark Henry vs. Carlito – Beat the Clock Challenge

Carlito ducks out of the ring to start the match. Carlito is knocked to the mat, and then rolls out of the ring. Henry grabs him, rolling him into the ring. Carlito hits a baseball slide, and then flies over to the top rope, only to have Henry catch him. Carlito is thrown between the ropes, but Henry cannot get the pin. Henry catches Carlito’s fist and slams him to the mat. Carlito rolls out of the ring, again, and is slammed into the security barrier. Back in the ring, Carlito connects with a springboard back elbow, but cannot knock the big man down. Henry squashes Carlito in the corner, but still cannot get the pin. Carlito rolls away from Henry attempt to squash him, and then hits a modified springboard dropkick. Carlito tries to lock on a sleeper, but is slammed into the ring post. Carlito goes back to the sleeper, and Henry goes to one knee. Henry recovers, slamming Carlito into the ring post. Carlito floats over The World’s Strongest Slam, but cannot bring Henry down with a Backstabber. Henry catches Carlito on a cross body and connects with TWSS. Henry makes the pin and gets the three count at six minutes and 49 seconds.

Winner via pinfall: Mark Henry

Match #2 – Mickie James, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, and Alicia Fox

Michael Cole is sent to the back to interview Shaq, so King gets to call this match all by himself. (I guess that shows how much WWE cares about Divas’ matches.)

Gail Kim makes a blind tag and hits a missile drop kick on Alicia. She covers for the win, as Kelly cuts of Rosa from breaking up the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Mickie James, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly

Cole is getting his interview, when Shaq is interrupted by Hornswoggle. He loves the little guy, who puts on a slam dunk display. (Kinda.)

Match #3 – MVP vs. Chris Masters – Beat the Clock Challenge

What? Meh? And that’s the same reaction from the crowd.

MVP goes for two quick covers, and Masters kicks out. Masters kicks MVP in the face, but he is able to avoid the Masterlock. MVP hits the mat after a clothesline. Masters with a sunset flip, but MVP rolls through and responds with a clothesline. MVP misses a kick, but Masters can’t lock in his finisher. MVP connects with a clothesline off the ropes, but is then sent to the floor. MVP and Masters fight on the outside, and MVP can’t get back in the ring, as the ref counts. Masters slaps on the Masterlock and both men get counted out.

Double Count Out – MVP eliminated from Beat the Clock Challenge

Match #4 – The Brian Kendrick vs. Kofi Kingston

Kendrick calls out Lawler, saying no one embarrasses him and Lawler will get his after the match. Kendrick is too busy running his mouth to hear the bell ring. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise, knocking out Kendrick. Kofi covers for the win.

Winner: Kofi Kingston

Ted DiBiase pulls a Nancy Kerrigan on Triple H in the back, right before Hunter’s match with Cody Rhodes. Hunter just sucks it up without any crying.

Match #5 – Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes – Beat the Clock Challenge

(I don’t understand why Orton is still the champ. If he tapped out to Triple H and John Cena, shouldn’t he lose belt. And then Cena and Triple H have a one-on-one match for the belt? Wait, I just used logic, my bad, carry on WWE creative, carry on.)

Rhodes goes for the leg to start, but Hunter lands a punch to keep him at bay. HHH takes Cody to the mat with a headlock take down. Cody beats on HHH in the corner, but then runs into a high knee off the ropes. Cody pulls HHH under ropes, slamming his leg into the ring post. Cody and Hunter go at it in the corner, as Rhodes continues to focus on the leg. Cody dropkicks Hunter in the gut, and follows with a double axe handle off the ropes. Hunter cuts Rhodes off in mid-air, but Rhodes counters the Pedigree and locks in a figure four. Hunter reverses the hold, but has to break the hold. HHH counters another figure four, but kicking Cody into the ring post. Hunter connects with a spinebuster, when Dibiase jumps up on the apron, as the clock ticks under 30 seconds. Hunter sidesteps a cheap shot from Rhodes, which connects with DiBiase, Hunters hits a Pedigree on Rhodes, but the clock hits zero. Hunter is eliminated.

No Contest – Time expired; HHH is eliminated

Santino is playing Scrabble in the back with Shaq. Santino questions some of Shaq’s words and wants to know how he got so many “Q’s”. Cryme Tyme drops in and says they are about that money, money, yea, yea. Santino breaks out in rap, and he isn’t that bad, but gets no respect.

Match #6 – Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero

Shaq has decreed that Chavo must be blindfolded for this match. (Who did Chavo anger to deserve this?) Chavo accidentally takes down the ref, and then apologizes after he realizes what he did. Hornswoggle hits a bulldog. Chavo peeks, and connects with a dropkick. Chavo looks for the turnbuckle, and Hornswoggle plays possum. Horny moves out to the apron to watch Chavo crash and burn. He follows the missed frog splash with the tadpole splash and the win.

Winner via pinfall: Hornswoggle

Jack Swagger has bad news for Orton. He’s going to beat the clock, and Orton should be scared. Mark Henry drops by, and doesn’t say a word.

Match #7 – Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne – Beat the Clock Match

A low drop kick sends Swagger to the mat. Swagger catches Bourne and slams him to the mat, and then slaps on a key lock. Swagger then knees him in the gut and hits a Northern Lights suplex. Swagger is run into the turnbuckle, and starts to climbs the ropes. Swagger cuts him off and launches him across the ring. Bourne kicks out of the pinfall. Bourne counters a gut wrench power bomb into a small package and pins Swagger for the three count.

Winner via pinfall: Evan Bourne – Jack Swagger is eliminated

Josh Matthews is backstage with Triple H, and he can’t be happy. Hunter says he is mad at himself for not seeing this sooner. Hunter says he should have taken out Rhodes and DiBiase first and now he is done playing games. Next week Hunter is taking on Rhodes and DiBiase.

Match #8 – John Cena vs. The Miz – Beat the Clock Challenge

Well, Mark Henry is still the leader in the clubhouse at 6:49.

The Miz comes to the ring, talking smack on Washington teams, saying the other teams just have to run out the clock in the fourth quarter. The Miz says he that’s what he is going to do tonight. Just run out the clock.

Orton joins The King and Cole at ringside. The Miz keeps his distance, taunting Cena. Miz takes to the floor, as the ref starts the count. The Miz returns at eight, and Cena is waiting for him. The Miz goes to the floor, but Cena cuts him off and hits a clothesline on the outside. The Miz stops an STF attempt by grabbing the ropes. Cena is tossed into the ring post, but Cena can’t get the pin. The Miz connects with a one man flapjack, and Cena rolls to the floor. Cena is whipped into the ring steps and is out on the floor. Cena rolls in at nine, but the Miz is able to tie him up in the ropes. The Miz taunts Cena, but Cena breaks free and connects with a drop hold. Cena locks in the STF and The Miz taps with minutes left on the clock.

Winner via submission and new number one contender: John Cena

Match #9 – Cryme Tyme vs. The Big Show and Chris Jericho – Shaquille O’Neal special enforcer

JTG and Jericho lock up. Jericho connects with a shoulder block, but JTG responds with a shoulder tackle and then drops a leg on the back of Jericho’s neck. Jericho crashes into the turnbuckle and JTG drives him face first into the mat. Jericho tags in Show, who decks JTG in the gut. Show slaps on a head lock, and then taunts Shaq. Show locks in a full Nelson, and tosses JTG aside to taunt Shaq some more. JTG fights back, but a spear cuts that short and JTG rolls from the ring. Show brings him in the hard way, and slams JTG to the mat. Jericho tags back in, as JTG is down in the wrong corner. Jericho keeps JTG from making a tag with a takedown. JTG hits a flying clothesline and gets an assist from Shaw to make the tag to Shad. The other big man takes it to Jericho, hitting a clothesline and then an elbow drop. Jericho recovers, but Shad counters an attempt at the Walls of Jericho. Shaq gives Jericho a little shove. Shad catches Jericho and JTG tags in to double team Jericho. Show makes the save, but then continues to beat on Cryme Tyme. The ref calls for the bell, disqualifying Show.

Winner via DQ: Cryme Tyme

The beating continues, as Show looks for a double chokeslam on Cryme Tyme while staring down Shaq. Show just tosses them to the mat, as Shaq climbs into the ring. Shaq shoves Show; Show grabs Shaq by the throat. Shaq responds in kind, and it’s a standoff. Cryme Tyme breaks it up, allowing Shaq to knock Show from the ring. The show ends with Shaq posing in the ring with Cryme Tyme.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale is patiently waiting for his call to guest host RAW.