July 20, 2009
Raw: This show has legs, and it knows how to use them
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling

Way to bring my expectations crashing back to Earth WWE, following up Seth Green with the dudes from ZZ Top as guests hosts. The last time these guys were relevant most people didn’t even have cable, much less RAW being on the air. Maybe we’ll see a main event between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

With classic rock legends on the show, rap “legend” John Cena kicks off the show from Ric Flair country, Raleigh, North Carolina. Cena says he is excited, the crowd is excited, even you at home are excited, because ZZ Top is hosting RAW. (Um, no.) And that Night of Champions is Sunday. (Oh, yea forgot about that; still don’t care.) Cena hypes his match with Orton and Triple H, reminded us that this was the main event two years ago at Wrestlemania.

The champ Randy Orton walks to the ring, presumably to speak his mind. Orton reminds Cena that he kicked Triple H in the skull in that Wrestlemania match, and then pinned Cena. And history will repeat itself. Cena cuts him off, saying he hears 10,000 people screaming to pound on him. Orton steps out of the ring, telling Cena he may want to rethink that. Orton stays on the apron, as his henchmen join him around the ring. Cena looks ready for a fight, when Triple H makes his presence felt. Orton and Legacy retreat to the announce table, as Hunter joins Cena in the ring. Hunter says he doesn’t care if Cena wins the WWE Title, just as long as Orton doesn’t win it. Orton keeps beating the history drum, speaking of which, I’m pretty sure we have seen Cena and Hunter versus Orton and Legacy more than once. Cena mocks Orton for making this match, and then both men accept the match.

ZZ Top is in the back, and Santino stops by. Looks like he is a big fan, and promptly screws up their names. Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons make over Santino with an official ZZ Top beard. (Soon to be auctioned off at WWE.com, I’m sure.) The boys then start playing with Santino.

Match #1 – Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Primo vs. Big Show, Carlito, and Jack Swagger

Kofi counters Swaggers amateur wrestling style with a quick roll-up, but Swagger kicks out. MVP tags in and hitting the Ballin’ Elbow. Swagger is pulled from the ring by his teammates and we go to commercial.

After the break, Swagger is in full control of Kofi, who is then worked over in the corner by Carlito and Big Show. A shot sends Kofi to the mat, and Show follows with a head lock and a takeover. Show drops a knee is Kofi’s chest. Carlito makes the tag, starting off with a suplex. Carlito connects with a standing drop kick. Kofi fights back, but misses a drop kick. Kofi responds with a head scissors, and Primo gets the tag, working over his brother. Primo then clears out the heel corner, and drops a leg from the second rope. Swagger breaks the pin, but is taken out by MVP. Primo ducks a spear from Big Show that connects with Carlito. Kofi pulls Show from the ring and Primo head butts his brother from the top rope. Primo covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Kofi Kingston, MVP and Primo

After the match, Show decimates every competitor in the match, friend and foe alike.

Santino is talking about ZZ Top’s tour when Chris Jericho, who is also a big fan, stops in. Jericho asks if they are a fan of Fozzy. ZZ Top has never heard of them. Jericho wants to jam later, but ZZ Top has something different in mind. Jericho will face Mark Henry, TONIGHT!

Before the match, Brian Kendrick is giving some sort of instruction to The King and Michael Cole. They don’t seem to be taking it, so Kendrick rips the King. Lawler interrupts Lillian to introduce his opponent, Jerry “The King” Lawler.

Match #2 – The Brian Kendrick vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler

Kendrick mocks Lawler’s Hall of Fame status, so King slaps him. Kendrick lays into King, splashing him in the corner, and then locking in a cobra clutch. Lawler breaks free, connecting with a drop kick, but then telegraphs a back body drop. Lawler counters The Kendrick, and drops a fist from the second rope. Lawler covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Jerry “The King” Lawler

Josh Matthews interviews Mickie James. Matthews asks if Maryse has an advantage now that she scored a pinfall on her last Monday. James says it is time for a reality check, and that causes The Miz to show his face. He says the reality check is that Maryse is just better. The Divas champion joins in the fun, spraying something (hair spray?) into the eyes of Mickie James, leaving her writhing in pain.

Match #3 – Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

As soon as the bell rings, Jericho slips out of the ring. Jericho returns to the ring, but not for long. Jericho and Henry finally lock up, and Jericho is sent to the mat. Henry steps on Jericho's chest, until the ref breaks it up. Henry climbs the first rope, and Jericho quickly chops a leg out from under him. Jericho is in control, working on the legs of The World’s Strongest Man. Jericho connects with a drop kick, and chop block, and a low drop kick finally takes the big man down. Henry connects with a clothesline and then a hip toss sends Jericho to the mat. Jericho recovers with a bulldog, and looks for the Walls of Jericho. Henry kicks Jericho out of the ring, where he grabs a chair. Jericho rams the chair into Henry's gut, and then tattoos him across the back. The ref calls for the bell. Henry blocks a third shot, and tosses Jericho into the announce table. Henry rolls Jericho into the ring, where Jericho tries for a Codebreaker, but Henry counters into the World’s Strongest Slam.

Winner via disqualification: Mark Henry

Santino is still hanging with ZZ Top, when Chavo stops in and is disgusted how he has been treated on RAW. Gibbons agrees and tells him he has a match with Hornswoggle, in a Sharp Dressed Man Tuxedo match.

Match #4 – Hornswoggle vs. Chavo – Sharp Dressed Man Tuxedo Match

(So this is like a bra and panties match but with guys. The first to strip their opponent wins.)

ZZ Top provides custom tuxes for the match, and Chavo has his pants legs sewed together. As Chavo struggles to the ring, Hornswoggle does his Chill Willy impression. (Look it up.) Hornswoggle gets the jacket and tie off of Chavo quickly, and then follows with the shirt. Chavo hits a clothesline and starts to tear the clothes off of Horny. Chavo is tripped into the ropes, and Hornswoggle is able to pull off Chavo’s pants for the win.

Winner: Hornswoggle

Cena wants to clarify what Triple H said. Hunter tells Cena that he knows he didn’t mean it. Hunter also tells Cena that tonight they are on the same page, as for Sunday. Not so much.

The band says something has been missing tonight. Kelly Kelly shows up to address that problem. “She’s got legs” start to play and we get a Diva show, until Santino wants to show off his legs, and ZZ Top takes off.

And now my favorite time of the show, begging for bucks! Cole and King do their best not to get on their knees and beg people to order Night of Champions.

DiBiase and Rhodes confront Jericho backstage, saying they could jump him, but instead they want to know who his “mystery” partner is. DiBiase doesn’t think anyone would want to team with Jericho, even though he is second generation. Granted his dad was a hockey player, according to Rhodes. Jericho then says Orton could be his partner, and walks off.

And next week’s host is SHAQ! And I’m back on board the guest host bandwagon. (Just as long as there is no Shaq-Fu!)

Match #5 – Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox – Divas Leg match

Alicia Fox rolls up Kelly Kelly to get the win.

Winner via pinfall: Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox

ZZ Top finally makes an appearance in the arena.

Match #6 – Randy Orton and Legacy vs. Triple H and John Cena

Cena owns Cody Rhodes to start the match. Triple H tags in the get some, hitting a delayed vertical suplex, then chasing Orton and DiBiase off the apron. DiBiase charges in the ring, and HHH shows him the ropes. Cena jumps in to help and they clear the ring of Legacy as we go to commercial.

As we return from break, DiBiase and Cena are down. Both men makes tags, and HHH unloads on Cody. Rhodes looks down too soon, and HHH nails a face buster. Dibiase gets the tag, and Legacy toss HHH from the ring. Outside the ring, Orton slams Hunter into the ring steps. Orton tags in and beats on HHH in the corner. All three exchange tags while stomping away at Hunter. Dibiase kicks HHH in the back of the head, but only gets a two count. Rhodes keeps Hunter grounded and out of his corner. Triple H tries to power into his corner, but Rhodes beats him down again. Rhodes and Triple H both go down, but Rhodes gets a tag to Orton. The champ kicks HHH in the ribs, and then stalks his prey. Hunter counters the RKO, but runs right into a back elbow. Hunter recovers with a spinebuster, but both men are down. Cena gets the hot tag, taking Rhodes down with a shoulder block and side slam. Cena knocks DiBiase off the apron, and connects with the five knuckle shuffle on Rhodes. Dibiase breaks up the Attitude Adjustment, but Cena sets the STF on Rhodes. DiBiase breaks the hold, and The Game chases him from the ring. Orton gets the tag and lines up the punt. Cena side steps the kicks, and rolls up Orton. Cena gets the three count and the win.

Winner via pinfall: John Cena and Triple H

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003 is hoping Shaq tweets @THE_REAL_SHAQ live during RAW next week. Follow Dale on Twitter @DPlummer627


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