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   Thu, May 28, 2009



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WWE Superstars: Cena makes show debut
By MATT MACKINDER - SLAM! Wrestling


Uh-oh. John Cena graces WWE Superstars this week. Will that make tonight's show even more nonsensical, or more entertaining? We shall see.

One good thing about this show - we get right to the ring. Jim Ross and Todd Grisham are at ringside and we start out with tag action.

Match #1 - Primo & Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas

Sadly, Benjamin and Haas don't come out with their World's Greatest Tag Team theme. This is also a non-title match, even after JR lets us know that because they are the Unified tag champs, the Colons will defend their belts on any brand. So why not tonight? No idea.

One minute in and the first Benjamin/Seton Hall reference by JR. The over/under on JR calling Benjamin the "best pure athlete in WWE" is three minutes.

Haas and Benjamin work over Carlito early and, what's this? The fans seem into it. Primo gets the tag, but gets distracted by Haas and Benjamin snaps his arm over the top rope to lead us into a commercial.

Primo is in dire straits for the next few minutes, until Cryme Tyme's music hits and they make their way to ringside. In an image I wish to be erased from my memory, some middle-aged woman having a mid-life crisis is shown in the crowd waving her hands in the air acting like a teeny-bopper. Good grief, lady.

Either the mics are faulty or JTG and Shad Gaspard really are that bad speaking on them because whatever they're saying sounds like gibberish with a few moans and groans worked in. In any event, Carlito flips over Haas' back and ends this match with the Backstabber.

Winner via pinfall: Primo & Carlito

The rock group Adelita's Way talks about the Superstars theme song, "Invincible" and how it's mind-blowing to see it on this show. I will admit - it is a kick-arse song.

Jack Swagger and his perma-smile are backstage getting ready for the next match.

Did you know that WWE.com had more hits last month than Disney.com? Maybe, but I'd rather take my kids to Disney World than to the WWE carnival. Oh wait, I already did that.

Matt Striker and Nosebleed Matthews call the next match. These guys are brutal and definitely not entertaining. No chemistry, either.

Match #2 - Finlay vs. Jack Swagger

All Swagger here. Finlay is apparently a jobber now. Swagger wins with a subpar gutwrench power bomb. Yawn.

Winner via pinfall: Jack Swagger

More ego-stroking for Vince as the Denver mess is recapped that is now more than a week old. WHO CARES??? Apparently, this was all Monday Night Raw was about, too. Garbage.

A video montage of Randy Orton serves as this week's filler. Yeah, we know he's the top heel. Good stuff, maybe a tad overdone, but the montage serves its purpose.

Jerry "The King" Lawler and Michael Cole are pumped for the main event.

Match #3 - John Cena vs. Ted DiBiase

High-pitched screams and Cena chants fill the arena early as Cena controls DiBiase. The momentum shifts for a spell to DiBiase, until Cena goes for the fireman's carry slam, er, Attitude Adjustment, but DiBiase fights out. The match spills to the floor and Cena gets pitched into the metal steps. Cue the ads.

Back from the break and DiBiase gets a couple near-falls. Par for the course for a Superstars main event. DiBiase gets pushed off the top going for a superplex, Cena lands the top-rope leg drop and then gets DiBiase to quickly tap to the STF.

Winner via submission: John Cena

Nothing special this week. The DVR has been deleted. Seriously, if Cena can't even make this show worthwhile, who or what can?

'Til next week, loyal SLAM! Wrestling readers!

Matt Mackinder is learning to despise Thursday nights, much like he once loathed Tuesday nights until that sucker Matt Bishop stepped up to cover ECW. Email Matt at mackindermedia@yahoo.com