March 22, 2008
Smackdown: Edge dissects The Undertaker
By ANDY MCNAMARA -- SLAM! Wrestling
The biggest show of the year, WrestleMania, is creeping ever closer. The world champion Edge says that he will show the world tonight how sick and twisted he can be, in his quest to make The Undertakerís life a living hell. A couple of handicap matches featuring Batista and The Big Show round out another jam-packed card. From Biloxi, Mississippi, here comes Smackdown!
We are told that in a video game Raw vs. Smackdown match Batista defeated Umaga.
Match 1: Handicap Match - Batista vs. Deuce & Domino
The former tag team champions are once again without Cherry as she prepares for yet another exhilarating Diva contest tonight! Batista comes out of the gate strong, until a nasty head kick from Deuce connects. The Animal turns the tide by smacking Deuce into the steel post while he was standing on the apron, and followed that up with a big time spinebuster on Domino. The end comes with a Batista Bomb on Domino. Batista actually looked fairly solid technique wise in this one.
In the back Maryse is speaking with Cherry about how she believes the Diva contest is a fix. She then calls a shocked Cherry "a dog." Oh no!
Assistant GM Teddy Long is getting some much deserved mic time. Unfortunately it comes with the Diva contest, and this week the final four will face off in an arm wrestling match. Victoria has been the only ongoing entertaining part of these ongoing segments. Victoria blew in the eye of Eve to win the first contest. McCool defeats Cherry. Victoria tries blowing in Michelleís eyes in the final, but to no avail as McCool takes it. Now the votes are in from fan text votes and the Diva going home is ... Victoria. Victoria attacks Michelle, and after the two get pulled apart McCool kicks her out of the ring.
Match 2: Handicap Match - Big Show vs. Chase Stevens, Andy Douglas & Luke Hawx
Yet another handicap match, which have been an ongoing theme on Smackdown these past few weeks. Wow do you think Stevens and Douglas are glad they left TNA to be WWE jobbers? Just more squandered talent. Cole even refers to the them as "youngsters." Show rips apart all of them, starting with putting Stevens in a tree of woe. He tosses Hawx over the top rope to the floor and polishes of Douglas with a giant right hand for a KO pinfall.
WINNER: Big Show
Match 3: Non-title - Edge (c) w/ The Edge Heads vs. Funaki
So this is the third squash bout of the evening. Edge starts off by taunting Funaki and taking his time before connecting with a face kick following a Funaki cross body. The Rated R Superstar methodically picks apart his opponent in and out of the ring, however, Funaki scores a surprise sunset flip two count from the second turnbuckle. Funaki then nails an enziguri, but almost gets split in two from a spear out of nowhere. The world champ does The Undertakerís cut throat sign, hits the tombstone and mocks Takerís signature actions. Edge grabs the mic following the bell and tells the world that later tonight everyone will find out what he is capable of. Edge is such an amazing heel, using terrific facial expressions and actions to work the crowd like a puppet master.
It is now time for The VIP Lounge with special guest Chris Jericho. MVP has the ladder and briefcase set up in the ring, and boasts about all his WWE accomplishments. Y2J interrupts and the two proceed to try and out hype one another. Jericho has different acronyms spelled out on the Titan Tron going over what MVP could have been named. These include Zit and Jackass. The U.S. title holder decides to show his guest how he will retrieve the briefcase at WrestleMania by climbing the ladder. Y2J takes this opportunity to tip over the ladder and send MVP flying.
Match 4: Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo
This could quite possibly be the most un-entertaining feud since Palumbo vs. Kenny Dykstra. The two combatants exchange blows and Palumbo sways the momentum to his side after a cheap shot punch when the referee was positioned in front of Kane. Chuck begins to focus on the left arm of The Big Red Machine with an arm bar and then reapplies it after a brief escape by Kane. Palumboís luck runs out when he receives a boot to the cranium, and then a top rope clothesline. As we return from commercials Kane and Chuck connect with their heads and both go down. Out comes The Great Khali who Khali bombs both Kane and Palumbo. Mark Henry then marches out and powerslams Khali and Kane. This scuffle is all in an attempt to hype up the 20-man Battle Royal that has been added to Mania. The stipulation is that the winner of that match receives a shot at the ECW title.
WINNER: No Contest
Match 5: World Tag Team Championship - John Morrison & The Miz (c) vs. Jesse & Festus
Letís see how the tag champs function after Morrison won against The Miz last week for the final Money in the Bank spot. As usual Festus goes bonkers when the bell rings and cleans house. Miz attempts to save his partner, but is swatted out of the sky like a fly by the crazy Festus. Jesse connects with a swinging neckbreaker and cross body on Morrison before a Miz distraction allows for a second rope enziguri by Morrison. Eventually Jesse is able to make it over for the hot tag and once again Festus runs amuck. Jesse goes up high for the rocket launcher, which finds Miz, however, Morrison pulls down the top rope to send Festus to the outside. John then breaks up Jesseís pin attempt, allowing for Miz to retain the belts for his team with the Reality Check.
WINNERS: John Morrison & The Miz
We are told that next week the main event will be champion against champion: Chris Jericho vs. MVP
Match 6: Main Event - The Undertaker vs. Chavo Guerrero w/ Edge, Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder
After some strategy discussions with Edge, Chavo gets taken to Old School and then chucked into the corner. Undertaker looks directly at Edge while delivering a sidewalk slam. Guerrero tosses The Dead Man over the top, and then does a baseball slide into him while Taker was distracted by The Edge Heads. This is a terrific fast-paced matchup so far. Undertaker delivers a huge chokeslam on Chavo, and then heaves Ryder over the top onto his two teammates. Taker takes this opportunity to force Guerrero into tapping out via a modified triangle choke. Following the bell, Undertaker tries for a double chokeslam on Ryder and Hawkins, but is met with a spear from The Rated R Superstar. From there the trio start to dissect The Dead Man with chair shots all over his body. A home run swing chair shot to the head sets up The Undertaker for a sickening con-chair-to. The program ends with Edge standing over his lifeless WrestleMania opponent.
WINNER: The Undertaker
Andy McNamara is a writer for SLAM! Wrestling and play-by-play broadcaster for Rogers Television: Toronto Maple Leafs baseball, and Toronto university and high school basketball and volleyball. As well, Andy does the play-by-play for Durham College basketball and volleyball. Contact Andy at firstname.lastname@example.org.