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Smackdown: Undertaker destroys the Edge-Heads
By ALAN LAYCOCK - Live Audio Wrestling


Tucson, Arizona brought us Smackdown this week, with the show being booked around the Edge and Undertaker feud, as well as a special tag team match featuring Batista and Kane versus MVP and The Great Khali.

OPENING MATCH: THE BIG SHOW vs JOEY RYANS AND JAY GARLAND; 2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH

The show opens up with... The Show!

Michael Cole explains that The Big Show originally left the WWE one year ago to become a boxer, but then had to return to wrestling because "nobody would take his fights." Um, sure. An ad also airs promoting The Big Show versus "a professional fighter" for next week on RAW.

The ring bell finally sounds and the action gets underway. Apparently this is a 2-on-1 in the ring handicap match, as opposed to the version where both partners still have to tag in and out. (Consequently, Iím still waiting for someone to give these two types of handicap matches distinctive names for me!)

Not surprisingly, this is a mere squash match for Show, who makes waste of his two jobber opponents through a series of power moves. At one point Big Show starts mock-boxing, eventually winning with a right-handed boxing-style punch.

Winner: The Big Show

After the match The Big Show grabs a mic and then cuts a promo on Floyd Mayweather, saying that heís going to "break him in half." Show actually ends his promo quite impressively, saying, "Floyd, the $20 million theyíre paying you for WrestleMania... wonít be worth it."

A commercial airs that recognizes John Cena for granting his 100th wish for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Kudos to John Cena from this Smackdown Reporter!

MATCH TWO: SHANNON MOORE AND JIMMY WANG YANG vs DEUCE ĎN DOMINO (W/CHERRY)

Domino and Jimmy Wang Yang start off for their respective teams. Yang brings the crowd to their feet after turning a cartwheel into an arm-bar. Tag out to Moore. Domino brutally dumps Moore to the outside and then overpowers him back in the ring. Tag out to Deuce, who maintains the advantage. Shannon Moore is worked over by both opponents. Finally he makes the hot tag to his partner. Jimmy Wang Yang unloads on Deuce with sweep and drop kicks. JWY goes for a moonsault but Domino saves his tag team partner from defeat.

Cherry and Domino both start blatantly interfering, ultimately succeeding in eliminating Moore from the equation. This leaves Yang alone in the ring, yet the redneck still picks up the win for his team via a top rope moonsault.

Winners: London and Kendrick Version 2.0

Cameras cut to the backstage area where Edge and Vickie Guerrero are contemplating honeymoon destinations. Edge suggests that they travel to "Godís country... Canada!" Edge recommends either Toronto or Moose Jaw. Vickie seems to like that idea, adding that she, "Loves Canada" and that she "loves Canadians."

The Edge-Heads suddenly interrupt the romantic moment, but itís ok because Edge had summoned them. The Rated R Superstar comically says, "Last week The Undertaker put his hands on me, and what I want to know is... what are you two going to do about it?!!" A plan is then hatched to get payback on their rival and it seems to involve Zack Ryder going one-on-one with The Dead Man! Edge has some comforting parting words for his Edge-Head, however, adding that heíll have his back. Gold!!!

MATCH THREE: CHUCK PALUMBO vs JAMIE NOBLE (W/MICHELLE MCCOOL)

This is actually one of the better rivalries on Smackdown, in my opinion, and Iím excited to see where it goes tonight.

Predictably, Noble starts off on the offensive, obviously worked up about the vicious attack he suffered at the hands of Palumbo three weeks ago. Michelle cheers him on from ringside. Noble targets the left arm of his rival to good effect. Eventually, Chuck Palumbo is able to regain momentum through his power game.

Michelle McCool screams at Chuck at ringside, distracting him long enough for Noble to regain control. Jamie goes back to work on the injured left arm of his opponent. Belly-to-back suplex off the top rope by Palumbo! Cover, 1-2-no! Kick-out by Jamie Noble!

Full-Throttle by Palumbo, but no! Jamie Noble reverses it into an arm-bar on the injured arm! Chuck screams in pain until heís finally able to grab the bottom rope and force a break. Cannonball by Noble into Chuck, who was sitting on the canvas in the corner! Thatís gotta hurt!

Jamie goes for another arm-bar but Palumbo powers out and then hits him with a vicious kick to the head. Full-Throttle! This oneís over! And the curse of Michelle McCool in your corner strikes again, as the WWE Divaís man is now 0-6.

Winner: Chuck Palumbo

Cameras cut to this intriguing conversation in the back, featuring Teddy Long, Maryse, and Vickie Guerrero:

Teddy: Vickie, you know last week you and I were talking. You remember the lovely Maryse donít you?

Vickie: Yes, of course I do!

Maryse: Well Vickie, weeee didnít talk for a long time, but like I told... Teddy? Last week, I really think you are doing a wonderful job as the General Manager of Smackdown and not just that, not just that, I really believe that you are one of the most beautiful WWE Diva. I just look at you and I just see a woman thatís so...

[Enter Batista stage left]

Teddy: Batista!

Batista: So what are ya gonna do?

Vickie: What do you mean?

Batista: The challenge you made, to William Regal? Smackdown versus RAW for WrestleMania? RAW chose Umaga. I wanna represent Smackdown.

Maryse: Heís perfect! Who better to represent Smackdown than The... Animal?

Batista: Exactly.

Vickie: Youíre on! You will face Umaga at WrestleMania!

Batista: Good.

MATCH FOUR: BATISTA AND KANE vs THE GREAT KHALI AND MVP

Kane and Khali start for their respective teams. The Anti-Wrestler takes it to his opponent first because he canít sell to save his life (probably). Tag out to MVP. Back-body-drop by The Big Red Machine on his opponent followed by a low drop kick. MVP is in a lot of trouble here. Tag out to Batista. Loud "Batista" chants echo the arena.

The babyfaces successfully cut the ring in half, isolating MVP in their corner. Frequent tags back and forth between both men. Big Spine-buster by The Animal! Batista goes for this Batista Bomb but Khali makes the save. After a commercial break we see The Great Khali and Batista in a stare-down in the middle of the ring. Apparently the Anti-Wrestler is the legal man now.

Batista staggers Khali with punches but, predictably, Khali doesnít sell them very well. A lame clothesline done with all the agility and pizazz of a flagpole knocks Batista down. Tag out to MVP. Crap. Tag back in for Khali. Some elbows by the Anti-Wrestler in the corner, perhaps the only move he knows how to do convincingly. A lame roundhouse chop misses its mark and The Animal is able to tag out to Kane.

Khali takes Kane down with unrealistic ease. Illegal double-teams from the heels keep Kane on the defensive. Finally Batista gets the hot tag and he unloads on MVP. Hard clothesline in the corner followed by a powerbomb. But Khali made the blind tag and then chops his opponent down to the canvas with a single hit. The Anti-Wrestler goes for his Vice Grip but Batista uses his arms and strength to muscle out of it! Spear on Khali! 1-2-3!

Winners: Batista and Kane

The winner of the 2007 Diva Search Contest, Eve Torres, is then rolled out before her adoring fans. Eve delivers a horribly contrived speech about the WWE Hall Of Fame.

MATCH FIVE: JESSE AND FESTUS vs THE MIZ AND JOHN MORRISON

I still donít know how John Morrison waves his hair in slow motion like that.

Before the match can start the Tag Team Champions cut a promo that introduces their internet-based segment, "The Dirt Sheet," for the first time on television, and I can assure you that itís as unfunny on TV as it is online.

The ring bell sounds and Festus goes insane! Near-fall on The Miz after some bellicose offense from the big man. Tag out to Jesse. The Tag Team Champions cut the ring in half and work over Jesse in their corner. Hot tag to Festus, who receives a nice pop from the crowd. Flying shoulder-tackle by the big man, followed by a big boot. Both opponents are knocked out. The finish comes after a flapjack by Festus on John Morrison.

Winners: Festus and Jesse

MATCH SIX: BIG DADDY V (W/MATT STRIKER) vs BALLS MAHONEY

This match is not pretty and, in fact, I throw up a little in my mouth just watching it. Lots of big lethargic moves by both men. After a Samoan Drop from Mr. V the lights turn off and The Undertakerís bell tolls! The Dead Man walks with a purpose toward the ring and then saves us all from having to endure this match any longer!

Taker knocks Big Daddy V out of the ring and then Chokeslams Balls for good measure. I guess that even The Undertaker couldnít bare to watch such a crap match!

Winner: No contest

The Undertaker grabs a mic and says, "Death waits for no man. Edge, bring me your minion, and bring him to my yard, so he too can meet his fate. The same fate that you will meet at WrestleMania. Both of you will rest in peace!"

MAIN EVENT: THE UNDERTAKER vs ZACK RYDER (W/EDGE AND CURT HAWKINS)

The Undertaker stalks his opponent all around the ring, but a distraction by Ryderís associates allows Zack a momentary advantage. Patented leg drop by Taker on the ring apron. Taker is back in the driverís seat. The story of this match is The Undertaker sending a message to Edge, and to emphasize this The Dead Man maintains eye-contact with his rival on the outside of the ring throughout the majority of this contest.

Total domination by The Undertaker. Lawn dart/big boot combo by The Phenom. Cover and a kick out, though, by Zack Ryder. The finish comes after a Chokeslam and then a Triangle Choke from Taker.

Winner: The Undertaker

After the match Edge and Curt Hawkins both jump their rival. The numbers advantage is not enough to overcome The Dead Man, though, and The Undertaker delivers a Chokeslam to Hawkins for his trouble. Edge manages to scurry away, but at the top of the ramp he is forced to watch Curt Hawkins submit to another Triangle Choke. The "Ken Shamrock internal bleeding" sells the manoeuvre as Edge looks on with worried eyes for WrestleMania.