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Raw: A contract and a kiss?
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


So No Way Out looked like a good Pay-per-View until I saw Smackdown is doing the SAME FREAKING MATCH that RAW is doing! Holy lazy booking, Batman! Seriously, if the RAW Elimination Match is first, it will totally put the Smackdown match to shame. Enough of the ranting, it’s time for RAW as it emanates from the University of Texas.

Randy Orton is waiting in the ring for John Cena. Looks like we are going to have a gold old fashioned contract signing. Orton wants to make sure Cena can’t back out of the match. Cena takes a long look at the title belt after entering the ring. Cena signs the contract, sliding it back to the champ. Orton tells Cena if he gets hurt tonight, the match at No Way Out is still on. Mark Henry runs to the ring, and Orton hits a distracted Cena with the RKO.

Orton and Henry are talking backstage. The Grish wants to know why they set up John Cena. Orton says he just took advantage of an opportunity, and Henry wants to hurt Cena.

Match #1 – Kelly Kelly and Mickie James vs. Victoria and Beth Phoenix

(Another Diva match to start the show, just like last week, grrrrr…)

Mickie James pins Victoria after a running DDT off the ropes.

Winner via pinfall: Kelly Kelly and Mickie James

William Regal tells Hornswoggle to do as his father tells him, and join the “Kiss my *ss” club.

Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring. HBK talks about just missing winning the rumble in 2007, but still making the main event at ‘Mania. HBK says he still finished in second, and he can’t stand it, and he is unsatisfied. HBK puts everyone on notice. (By the way, JR informs us that Triple H isn’t in the arena tonight, as he is dealing with a family emergency.) Chris Jericho crashes the party. Y2J says he has all the respect in the world for HBK, but he isn’t winning at No Way Out. This will be Jericho’s fourth Elimination Chamber match. Jeff Hardy interrupts and makes his way to the ring to say his piece. Hardy will sacrifice his body at never before seen levels to be in his first Wrestlemania main event. JBL cuts him off. JBL says he always gets what he wants, and announces that he has entered a business partnership with Umaga. The Samoan Bulldozer walks to the ring, but stares down JBL. Snitsky joins the party, upset that he isn’t in the match at No Way Out. Snitsky says he’ll just take a spot from someone. HBK says the only thing they can agree on is Snitsky needs a good dental hygienist. The three faces take on the three heels, with HBK, Jericho, and Hardy left in the ring. William Regal intervenes and makes a six man tag match for later tonight.

Match #2 – Mr. Kennedy vs. Super Crazy

Kennedy dropkicks Crazy in the knee, and then pounds on him in the corner. Crazy fights back, but is cut down with a drop toe hold. Kennedy smashes Crazy’s legs against the ring post. Kennedy locks in an inverted figure four and Crazy taps.

Winner via submission: Mr. Kennedy

After the bell, Kennedy gets on his mike. He directs the crowd to the Titantron for the Flair-MVP match. MVP gets DQ’ed, but then tries to destroy Flair’s legs. Kennedy tells Flair he can forfeit the match at No Way Out next week. Kennedy says Flair will limp for the rest of his life if he goes through with the match.

Match #3 – Santino and Carlito w/ Maria vs. London and Kendrick

Kendrick kicks Carlito and then hits a series of forearms. Santino pulls the ropes apart and Kendrick crashes to the outside. London chases Sanino around the ring, allowing Carlito to hit the backstabber on Kendrick and get the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Santino and Carlito

Vince is getting his rear end buffed for tonight.

Vince come so the ring and starts to dispense parenting advice. Hornswoggle makes his way to the ring. Vince drops his pants, demanding Horny pucker up. The chairman gets extremely upset when Hornswoggle doesn’t plant one. Finlay comes down, and Vince tells him to get in line. Finlay holds Hornswoggle back from kissing Vince’s rear, but then whispers something to him. Hornswoggle walks up to Vince’s rear and takes a big bite out of it. Finlay and Horny walk to the back, leaving a very angry Vince in the ring. The chairman says next week he’ll take on his illegitimate son in a no disqualification match next week, and if Finlay gets involved he is FIRED!

Match #4 - Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch

Murdoch hits Holly with an inverted atomic drop and follows with a big boot. Cade tags in and keeps the pressure on with a Russian leg sweep. Holly fights back with a drop kick, and gets the tag to Rhodes. Cody hits Murdoch with a bulldog, but Trevor responds with a chin breaker. Cade jumps in to stop a suplex, but Holly knocks him from the ring. Rhodes nails a DDT and covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly

After the bell, Carlito and Santino walk out and announce they are the new number one contenders for the tag team titles.

Match #5 – Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho vs. JBL, Snitsky, and Umaga

Umaga starts off against HBK. Michaels starts off with chops and goes for a sunset flip. HBK can’t get him over, but dodge Umaga dropping to the mat. HBK hits a dropkick and then tags in Y2J. Snitsky tags in, misses a big boot, hanging himself on the ropes. Jericho hits a spring board drop kick, and tags in Hardy, who vaults himself off Jericho to hit Poetry in Motion. JBL tags in and Hardy connects with a mule kick and then drop his legs into the abdomen. Snitsky and HBK tag in and Michaels hits a flying forearm, but Snitsky doesn’t stay down long and nails HBK with a clothesline. HBK locks in a modified Indian deathlock. Umaga breaks it up, and then all 6 men hit the ring. Umaga, JBL, and Snitsky are knocked to the outside, and then all three faces hit planchas.

After the break, Jericho and Snitsky are in the ring. Umaga tags in and works over Jericho in the corner. Umaga locks in a bear hug. Jericho elbows his way out only to get hit with a Samoan drop. Jericho builds momentum against JBL, but is stopped by a big boot. Snitsky tag in, locking in a bear hug. Jericho fights out, but Umaga hits him with a cheap shot from the apron. Umaga tags in and looks for a head butt off the top rope. Umaga connects, but Jericho nails an enzeguri. Hardy and Snitsky tag in and Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind. JBL comes in to hit a clothesline on Hardy. Jericho hits the Codebreaker on JBL. Umaga spikes Jericho. HBK nails Sweet Chin Music on Umaga. A big boot from Snitsky takes out HBK; and then Hardy nail a Twist of Fate, and follows with a Swanton Bomb. Hardy covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho

Match #6 – John Cena vs. Mark Henry – Arm wrestling Match

Mark Henry complains about oil on Cena’s hands and won’t get set. Cena is ready to go; instead Henry pops him in the shoulder. Henry gains the advantage early, but Cena powers back to the middle and starts to get Henry over. Orton attacks from behind, but Cena fights him off and Orton splits. Henry goes for a show, but Cena picks him up and F-U’s him. Orton looks shocked.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale is having second thoughts about watching RAW in HD if Vince keeps showing his rear.